Reading MelMel's journal

I seem to be posting/whining in thiss journal quit alot at the moment. Hmmm. *Vows never to read them again*. There we go :)

If i asked wat were the thre hardest words to say, i'm guessing alot of people would say "i love you" or something like that... But i have different answer.

"I need help"

these are words i've never said aloud. These are words i never want to say aloud. These are the words i tell myself i dont need.

But today i find myself questioning that. Do i need help?

I had a chat with a teacher whom i admire and respect a great deal. She is just a lovely person and iif i turn out even half as balanced as she is, i'll be doing well.

So i had a chat with her/broke down in her office crying. I still dont really know what to make of it. It's part of the reason why i swallowed those pills. I couldnt bear to be weak. I was so ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be weak in front of someone i respect so much. I thought she would hate me, hate me the way i hate myself.

But it turns out, the first thing she did was phone the school councillor. I was so angry at first, i still am kind of. Im not a charity case to be passed around the school. The teacher was the one who approached me, i didnt want to break down in front of her... I donlike our school councillor, i think she's pretty useless.

And i dont like talking about my problems. Here it's different. I dont have to see your faces, i dont have to see your reactions. Its not what you say, but how.

I think that people who go through life complaining about their problems constantly to their friends are weak and selfish. I've been surrounded by people like that my whole life, and there is no way i want to be like them.

So to cut a long ranting story short(er), the councillor cornered me to make a time feeding some crap about wanting to see me about my community service work and for a general chat, which i knew was a lod of shit. So i went and saw the teacher and asked her (politely of course) who the hell she spoke to me about and why. Thankfully it was ony the councillor, and only to mention that she thought i could use someone to talk to.

So i can still control the situation which is the most important thing. Tomorrow morning i'll see the teacher again and find out what she said word for word as much as possible. Then i'll sort out my lies. I need to complain enough about miniscule things for the councillor to believe it, yet not enough for her to do anything like tell my head of house/principal/parents.

Fuck, i dont have the time or the energy for this. I wish the teacher had asked me first. I guess thats why im still angry.

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

I think that people who go through life complaining about their problems constantly to their friends are weak and selfish. I've been surrounded by people like that my whole life, and there is no way i want to be like them.

There's a line somewhere between constantly complaining, and talking about your problems once in a while. It's easy to say that of course, but I think you can't always keep everything to yourself. And I neither think this would necessarily be a sign of strength, just as admitting problems isn't weakness.

Why not be selfish once in a while? You seem to be too harsh on yourself, as always...

'Repent, Harlequin!' said the Ticktockman. 'Get stuffed!' the Harlequin replied, sneering.

Fuck, i dont have the time or the energy for this. I wish the teacher had asked me first. I guess thats why im still angry.

I think you've got every right to still be feeling angry. I can completely understand where you're coming from, because I, too, am the sort of person who likes to be self-sufficient, and I will deny the need for help almost as long as I can. So, when I finally do tell someone about my problem, I want them to be 100% there for me (and this would include not sharing my problem with someone else).

I'm sure your teacher had your best interests in mind, but she should definitely have asked you what kind of help you wanted, instead of making an executive decision for you. The best I can recommend is that you ask her to keep your problems confidential in the future.

In the meantime, posting here will probably help; sometimes it is just nice to have an anonymous cathartic rant.

Other than that, I don't have much advice for you, except to say that, even though I don't know you, I'm pulling for you. I hope everything turns out alright.

My stepdad isn't mean, he's just adjusting. -Death to Smoochy