Reading simon18's journal

Firstly I would like to say a big thank you to all those people who have encouraged me to continue writing. This is a follow on from ‘Scars of the Past’ and will lead in to ‘Difficulties Moving On’. I know I haven’t written them in order but I wasn’t expecting the response I have received so far and so wasn’t expecting to continue writing. Although ‘The Paths we Choose’ is a separate story an argument could be made to say that any event that changes your outlook on life will in a sense have an impact on later stories.

So I was single again and exposed to the pattern of meeting people and dating. I was a different person now though, I had experienced a type of love and the pain of loss that in my experience follows by nature. At first I didn’t want to meet anybody new but then I met a girl who for the purpose of this story will be called Sarah (Difficulties moving on) and ‘Melissa’ (Scars of the Past) was, for a time, forgotten. Well consciously at least. I won’t talk about my relationship with Sarah as I have spoken about this before.

It was Christmas time and everything was good in the world of Simon. It was of course raining constantly and freezing cold but in my mind was a warm summers day that no frost could touch. A short time after New Years Eve I was in the club with my friends as I often am when who should I see but Melissa. This should have been simple. I should have just said hello and thought no more of it. Fate it would seem had other plans. I was hypnotised by a rush of feelings that had been lying dormant for so long and were now awoken all at once.

My best friend immediately perceived the situation and led me away. It was that night that I received a phone call from Melissa for the first time in 5 months and she wasn’t wasting any time letting me know she still had feelings for. I told her I was confused and needed time to think. She told me also that she had a boyfriend but that it was me she loved and that she was thinking about me all the time. It was all so sudden. The bond I had made with this woman hadn’t been released after all.

What about Sarah? Well I didn’t cheat on her if that’s what your thinking. I did however tell Melissa that I returned her feelings. We continued talking for the next two months. I didn’t know whom I wanted to be with. Sarah was the sensible choice, she was perfect for me, but my feelings for Melissa would not leave me alone. Looking back I see my indecisive nature as the reason for the deterioration of my relationship with Sarah. I just wasn’t completely committed to making the relationship work.

It was at this time that Melissa broke up with her boyfriend and put pressure on me to break up with Sarah and get back with her. I was as unsure as ever. I wanted both. So for now I just let things continue, telling Melissa I didn’t know what I was going to do. I met with Melissa for a drink one night, just to talk. I told Sarah I was meeting my ex for a drink, she was okay with it though I could tell it made her a little uncomfortable, understandably. So we met and talked. She hadn’t changed. She was still filled with so much hate for the world. I still wanted to be her hero. It ended with us arguing because I still wouldn’t end my relationship with Sarah and I wouldn’t cheat.
As explained in ‘Difficulties Moving On’ me and Sarah broke up. I was straight on the phone to Melissa afterwards and she comforted me as a friend. I still was unsure if I wanted to get back with her though. I saw her when I was out with my mates again and we ended up kissing. If im honest it felt wonderful.

So I agreed to go a date with her. The problem was her depression was worth than ever. Her arm was a mess with cuts, though she tried to hide it. She later told me she had been cutting herself because I wouldn’t get back with her before. Her love for me had turned in to confused hatred and though part of her still had feelings for me her dislike of me was more evident. Everything I said she made a point of showing her dislike. It was so hurtful. In the end I told her I couldn’t go on like this and left with my eyes watering. I haven’t spoken to her since.

Nowadays its Sarah I think about and miss. For my current plight im well aware that I have nobody to blame but myself. I had it all now I have nothing and all that was left of the love that I had been so fortunate to receive is regret, pain and an overwhelming sense of loss.

The End.