Reading majic's journal

I'll be honest and forthcoming in this next entry. I'm not sure exactly where it began or just how it happened. But somewhere along the line I developed a social anxiety disorder. As with all things, somedays are better than others. I do pretty well under the circumstances. I don't take any drugs for it and I have self diagnosed myself.

For those of you that are well adjusted and do not know what social anxiety disorders are, I'll attempt to explain my definition.

In my case I have trouble in public areas where there are alot of people. I get very nervous, extremely shy, I will think everyone is looking at me even when they aren't. It's really funny, I get extremely nervous talking to complete strangers and will at times try to totally avoid it. When walking down the street and somebody is walking the opposite direction I will at times get very nervous walking by them. Trying to say hi comes out as total garbage because when I get nervous I can not speak with any distinction. As I said some days are better than others and the anxiety comes and goes. I deal with it pretty well.

I used to be very bad in school and would avoid the oral presentations (projects) during classes. I would never get up infront of the class and discuss anything. I would take the failing grade as if it were nothing special. I'd probably die of a heart attack, my heart would be racing and my adrenaline levels would be sky rocketing. It gets to the point where I get light headed. This anxiety is something very profound.

Today however I can get up in front of a group and talk but I get nervous and my voice changes sometimes. My heart beat races and my adrenaline levels increase. I can deal with it pretty well nowadays. I've come along way in 15 years of this disorder.

If anyone has been here and has any suggestions I am all ears!

I've written something that I think fits well with this subject.

A True Test Of Faith

Can't you see I only just began
to see what everyone else has already been seeing
I'll wipe away these tears tonight
and start my life fresh
all because you asked me to

This is a true test of faith
a switch from my twisted mind
I can begin today to live again
all because you asked me too