Reading Aynjell's journal

I have always wanted to be somebody's hero. Not so much a role-model, but a martar for some cause. Even if it is just saving one person's life at the cost of my own. Even if it is just being there when everything bad happens and give everything I have up only to help somebody else. I want to sacrafice myself for somebody.
This may sound cliche, but just typing out this article, I have a great sense of intensity and purpose. For the first time I understand the reason others give up so damn much, they feel the same way that I do.
I want to know as I fade into oblivion or the afterlife, be whatever it is, that I made such a vast difference in somebody else's life that me dying was actually worth happening. Knowing for a fact that I lead a purposeful life just because of my last decision. My dying decision.
I don't know, it's just such a weird feeling...
But I have it.

I should be ashamed of myself.

I know the feeling that you are talking about. It's very romantic, but very impractical. If obvious advice is any comfort... people are watching. People are waiting for someone to raise the mast.

The only way you could have that feeling is to first find something you believe so strongly that you would do anything for it's cause... It could be a friend, a religion, and idea, a job, anything. But life will not become wonderful by letting it tell you what the average mand or woman is doing.

It's really common but sage advice to take control. Life has such a way with you because it's built for the average. If you want to be something great and have people remember, you have to have a reason. A cause. And the drive to take you there. I'm watching... but most poeple never get past mediocrity for a reason... what a sad state of affairs...

The power of truth is action.

I've saved someone's life...

"I'm free to say whatever I, whatever I like if it's wrong or right, it's alright."

...Tell a little bit more than that. Isn't that what you've wanted?

...It's better to save a life and keep yours. People are remembered in death, but it's a distant rememberance. When you are alive, you can be someone's hero. A living martyr. ...maybe that's not what you want... but death truly is a tragedy. It shouldn't be sought after. There's so much you can do in life.

The power of truth is action.

Well. i wasn't really risking my own life. my friend was about to kill herself. she suffers from really bad depression and was in hospital for a while. She was about to do something unspeakable, so i called her, and i talked her down.

It was really really sccary. cause I didn't know if i was doing the right thing and somehow, after it was all over... i felt bad. but it's ok now...

"I'm free to say whatever I, whatever I like if it's wrong or right, it's alright."

For the first time I understand the reason others give up so damn much, they feel the same way that I do.

I have had the same thoughts, the same wish for an opportunity to be heroic. I know inside, that if it came down to it, I could do it, I could give it all if I knew it was right. Deep down, I am a fighter. That doesn't mean I'm a warmongerer or I enjoy senseless violence. Quite the opposite. But I know that if someone ever tried to put me down, I would fight to my last breath. I feel the need to win, never to be conquered.

I should fight more. But in today's endless shades of grey, finding a fight worth fighting is a hard thing.

Yet another human oddity. I guess it has to do with our quest for some kind of immortality, to know that we mattered. What we really want is to affect someones life in a way no one else could. Another way to do it would be to have kids. The creation of life is the purpose of all life, and I intend to fulfill it.

But I can't find no place or nothin', where thrills are cheap, and love is divine

This post was edited by Bunk on Aug 06, 2004.

I know it. Everything is mundane, and there is very few people good to be good...
I wish that I could be that kind of person. But alas, It wouldn't catch on. Too many of those stories are shouted all ove the new and are ignored, everyone wants to hear the sad stuff...

I should be ashamed of myself.