Reading hells_angel's journal

I know I haven't written anything new in a while but my computer at home crashed and I don't venture out of my apartment to much these days. I was going through a lot of stuff at home so I sank into a mild state of depression. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am ok. I am feeling a little bit better now than I have in a long time. I still don't have a job. I spent all summer home trying to find a job so I could go back to school and it didn't happen. There is a few job oppertunities in St. Marys, but I don't have a car yet. I am trying to work things out with my mom and grandparents. Anyways there is a lot of news there.

I know I never wrote about my biological father walking out on me when I was 2 years old. I don't talk about it because it brings back so many painful memories of my not so happy childhood. My mom called my grandmother (my biological father's mother) a few weeks ago to get his number. My grandmother wants to see me, she and I never got to have a normal grandmother and granddaughter relationship, which is one of the many reasons I am the way I am. My mother called my father who I haven't seen since I was 15. And the last time I seen him before that I was maybe 10 or 9. Needless to say I don't see or hear from him often. I write him letters but I never send them. I found out he wants to see me and my brother Tim. It's messed up on my father's part because he had almost 20 years to get to know me and he never took that oppertunity and now that he wants to see me I'm not sure I want to see him. I'm afraid if I do I'm going to flip out on him and ask him why he never called or emailed me or sent me letterss to let me know that he was thinking about me. The situation at hand makes me want to cry. I know if I do go back to school I am going to have to go into consoling. I think that's the only way I'm going to survive.

Another thing that scares me about seeing my dad after all this time is that he will walk out of my life just like he always does and I don't think my heart can take it. I still feel like I'm the thing that went wrong in my mother's life and my biological father's life, but I didn't ask to come into this world to be a mistake. I guess when it all comes down to it I just want to find some absolution.

Take your time don't live to fast troubles will come and they will pass

t's messed up on my father's part because he had almost 20 years to get to know me and he never took that oppertunity and now that he wants to see me I'm not sure I want to see him. I'm afraid if I do I'm going to flip out on him and ask him why he never called or emailed me or sent me letterss to let me know that he was thinking about me.

There isn't an excuse for being a negligant parent, period. But, he may have reasons (or excuses) that are understandable if you chose to hear him out.

However, meeting with him may give you the absolution you were looking for. It may come in the form of a loving relationship with your father, or (in my opinion) the most likely: You'll get to scream all the things at him that you've mentioned in the post and that will be the end of it. Either way, it'll be an end to a dismal and disapointing relationship (however thin and off and on it may be).

You fail it.