Reading torn13's journal

I really am a whiner, aren't I? I'm sorry I guess, but this site is very supportive, so I like to come here when I'm down and can relay my problems to others who can view it from the outside.

Here I am on a Saturday night, at home in the middle of a hurricane. My boyfriend is out of town, and I'm stuck here. My mom paged me a little while ago and said "You should invite a girlfriend over and have a hurricane party." Don't make me laugh. I don't have any friends...

Well, at least I don't anymore. I though I used to have a tight little clique built up, me and these 4 other girls who have been inseperable for years and have spent some pretty tough times together. We've been there through divorces, abusive parents and boyfriends, suicide attempts, break-ups, failed classes, and anything else you need a friend for. Weird how I thought they'd always kind of be there, at least until the end of high school. Guess I shouldn't have taken things for granted.

At the very beginning of the summer, we all went to the midnight movie premier for Spiderman 2. I spent the whole time outside the theater fighting on the phone with my boyfriend, "Zak", who was not only trying to kill himself but also convinced I was out cheating on him. One of my friends, "Anne", was supposed to spend the night with me and I offered to take her home because I told her it would be a while before I got things worked out, and she declined. So I spent all night on the phone and she stayed up and watched movies with my brother and a couple of other people. In the morning I apologized and asked her if she was ok, and she said it was all fine.

That afternoon, I got a call from "Kate" saying that she didn't want to be friends anymore. She had talked to Anne and they had made up their minds they didn't want to deal with my psycho-bullshit anymore. Anne had overheard me talk about suicide with Zak and was convinced I cut myself because I had a towel over my arm (which I was really using to muffle my crying). It was all of a ten-minute conversation where she demanded that I not call her or try to contact her again. I stayed calm and unsuccessfully tried to explain myself. She hung up and that was it. I really felt betrayed...Anne had lied to me when she said everything was ok, and they were willing to leave me over something so shallow.

So a month went by and I did not talk to a single girlfriend. Not one. No one called, I called no one. I went out either by myself or with Zak, occasionally with my brother. I went to work everyday and tried to ignore the fact that they were all at parties and taking trips I was supposed to be on. This is my senior year, and after building up friendships in this shitty 1 square mile town, I have no one.

Finally, Kate called. The first thing I did was tell her to call me back in 20 minutes if she wanted to talk to me, because I was on the other line. Maybe not a smart move, but she was the one that decided she didn't want to hear from me again. She did call back though, angry that I asked her to wait and wanting to know why I never tried to call. I told her I respected her decision. I also wasn't going to jump back in a relationship with someone who had no problem leaving when I need her. We talked for maybe another 10 minutes, and she said she missed me, and she didn't know if she'd call again. That was maybe 2 weeks ago.

So maybe I am feeding off your sympathy. It just really does suck knowing that you actually have but one person to try to fill all the roles in your life. Maybe one day I'll find new friends, but who knows if I'll ever trust them again. At least I've learned not to take things for granted anymore.

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

I guess that there is only so much that you can respond to something like that. But so much of life is based on events you have no control over. Your friends seemed to have left for reasons beyond your control i.e. their own problems, misunderstandings... But I do sympathize. There is nothing you can do but keep your door open. You're never alone. If you believe in him, God. God will never abandon you. Never in heart.

I hope you read my post "My Two Cents"... it had a lot in common with you.

Keep your hopes up... Life is long, and there are things to come for you that you've never even dreamed of. If you want it and if you live a life worthy of it.

Maybe it's just a dreamy hope, but I'd keep hope close to you. Life is beautiful for it's downfalls and uprisings. Being hungry makes eating so pleasurable.

The power of truth is action.

If you believe in him, God. God will never abandon you. Never in heart.

Actually I don't...but just so you don't feel bad, I'm sure it would have been comforting for someone who does. I have no faith in religion.

As far as keeping my hopes up, it really is quite difficult when it seems to have gotten me nowhere but farther down. You sure are the optimist ;). Thanks though.

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

I'm sorry for you. I can't say anything more than that. But find something to comfort you. Life is full of good things.

The power of truth is action.