Reading kaizley's journal

Laying in bed last night as the last of me disintergrates. Listening to the songs that used to build me up, but it's not working. Memories, thoughts, words are once again taking control. It's been a while since this has happened. A month ago at least. But again my thoughts enslave me. Trying to whip in into shape. Robbing me of sleep. Up at unreasonable hours of the night.

Can't explain exactly what is going through my head. Happiness, sadness, anger... mostly anger. I feel an urge. An urge for what?

If I leave, will they notice? Will they find this and ask why? I need to talk to someone. But everybody is gone. This angst stuff was supposed to end ages ago... but it hasn't and they don't want to hear about it anymore.

I love them so i respect their wishes. I pretend that everything is alright and don't bother them with my useless problems. It is almost midnight after all. That is best for my loved ones. My friends. I need my friends more than anything in the whole entire world. If I don't have them, I wouldn't have anything.

Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine.

Time passes so slowly when you want it to leave you alone. A second seems an eternity.

Digging my fingers into my sides. Trying to get the pain to go somewhere else instead of in my head. It doesn't hurt all that much. It feels good. Very good. Too good.

I don't cry. I'm not allowed to cry anymore. "Don't let them know how you really feel" I wrote once. That is the most wrong, stupid piece of bullshit that I've ever written. Let everyone know how you feel.

"I'm free to say whatever I, whatever I like if it's wrong or right, it's alright."

It's a shame that a beautiful person like yourself is hidden and locked away. What a tragedy. You can no longer shed a tear. You cannot let all the pain out. Like a sponge, your mind soaks up all the mess. Now your mind is full of despair and loneliness. A caged bird still able to fly. Quite amazing that you feel your emotions are such a bother to certain others that you keep them to yourself. To allow respect and pride to drive you to solitaire, with no way home. To find comfort with the few you hold close. Thanks to all the real support, you manage. You hold on for exception to walk by. Until then you’re a prisoner holding yourself hostage.
What a way to live life.

As history shows us, it has always been Aces over Kings

This post was edited by havananights on Aug 18, 2004.

I can relate to this completely. i havent had it for about three weeks now but i think it might be coming back. its hard to tell. ive spent hours in bed just staring at the ceiling, thinking, but my thoughts are not clear.

The worst part about being depressed is the feeling that you dont have the right to say how you feel. Im so lucky to have all the things i have, friends, family, who am i to go around claiming im depressed? Nobody, thats who. So then im angry at myself for feeling this way, but theres no vent for this anger but on myself, so this turns to sadness. Then when i look at myself i realise ive forgotten why i was depressed in the first place and im now simply depressesed because im depressed. So it turns in to one big vicious cycle.

Moments of joy, the company of friends makes me forget. From high to low, low to high. I start to lose track of where one begins and the other ends.

Who am i? Am i just another average person? Is there such thing? OMG im in mid flow now. If im average does everyone feel this way? If so how do they deal with it, seemingly so effortlessly. Like a bird gliding on a strong upward gust whilst i limp sadly along on the ground. But where am i limping to? Is it worth all the effort?

Part of me tells me that because i have these thoughts that theres something in me worth holding on to. maybe i can find somebody i can share myself with. The idea, even if only maybe, pushes me forwards.

I don't cry. I'm not allowed to cry anymore. "Don't let them know how you really feel" I wrote once.

If this isn't the most sobering trait of our society, I don't know what is. This is the story of my life. And people wanna know why I bitch and complain all the time. I'm not the one that's fucked up, our society is the one fucked up.

Oh, Kaizley has got my blood pressure all up and stuff. I can't continue this post!

This post was edited by majic on Aug 18, 2004.