Reading harold_maude's journal

It's about 6:40 a.m. and I just woke up. My head is full of bits of the dreams I had last night.
They were crazy dreams about giant penises turning blue and nuns running around in business suits and all kinds of other things that are quickly fading away. I think that's a good thing I can't remember most of what I dreampt about last night.
What I do remember was that it was all pretty disturbing. In fact the last three nights I've had dreams that have been pretty disturbing, and after weeks and weeks with no dreams, to all of a sudden have three nights of dreams that are in color, I think has some kind of major significance.
The other two, I do remember.
The first one started out with my husband telling me he wanted to see more of the country. Which in it's self is strange, since he is very settled here and when we go some place new he gets sick with flu-like symptoms.
So anyway we are going west and we end up in Oregon and we're on our way to Crater lake and there is major construction going on. They are building a 5 lane super-highway through virgin forest, it's all dirt, even the on ramps and people are driving on them, going 60 and 75 miles and hour on these unfinished roads and we end up driving on them too, and we are in the mountians and we get to the edge of what apears to be a cliff and the road just stops and I get out of the car and go to the edge and the rogue river is filled to the top with crushed coal and there are buffalo running down the filled up river bed.
All of a sudden we're at crater lake and it's gone too, and there are buffalo walking around on the filled up lake surface. Then I woke up.
The next night in my dream, my husband are driving again, and we're in the mountians again, and we come to a large city, something about the size of Boise Idaho, and we're talking and all of a sudden someone comes up along side the car and starts shooting at my husband. They shoot him about nine times. There is nothing I can do to help him. I manage to get him to a hospital and they can remove all but 2 of the bullets and he's dying. Then I have two more dreams right after that are in different settings but in all of them he gets shot.
Then there was last night. And thankfully all I can remember about what I dreamed about was these giant penises that started out normal. They weren't attached to any bodies, they were just there, and all of the sudden I could see the veins in them and they just got more and more defined and then the penises started turning blue and getting bigger and bigger, like they were going to blow up or somthing, and the other part I remember was all these nuns running around in three peice suits and carring brief cases and the reason I know they were nuns is because they were wearing the veils that nuns wear.
I woke up and it was still dark down here, our room is in the basement of a farm house, and had this overwhelming need to write.
Everything for the last month has been very uncertian. There is no direction and neither of us can find work. We've gotten some help from family, but that will only carry us through the next month and then we are homeless again.
I've been in a state of on and off wanting to commit sucide, and I know that alot of people at one time or another have thought about the idea for one reason or another. But this has been really different. It's been terrifying. There is such a blackness that comes with the desire to die that it's a fight to not do it.
When it's not there, my head is on over load, trying to figure things out, and when that's not happening, we're putting in applications all over the place trying to find work. And there is nothing opening up.
I've been trying to stay busy so I can get so exausted that I can sleep peacefully at night, and up until three nights ago that seemed to work.
Now it feels like the unrest has invaded my sleep and the dreams are disturbing. I don't know what to make of the dreams, except that in them it what is going on isn't good and there is no happy ending. And that scares me. It's like everything in life is a hopeless state of existance and it's so much that now I'm dreaming about it.
I wish there was someone out there who could see things from a clearer perspective than I can and sit down with me and help me untangle this mess, because that's what my life feels like right now is one big mess that just keeps getting worse and worse.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.