Reading CTPhoenix's journal

This post took a long time. Everything that is sacred to me in regards to love has been condensed into this post. I believe that there are answers in this post. But please... DO NOT abandon this post. It is one man's soul. PLEASE... read it and recognize what has been written.

I have yet to fail. And the thought of failure is so desperately imbedded into my fears that rather than imagine the consequences of failure, I will sacrifice the nights and days working for this perfection. I know my faults, but on paper... flawless.

After school. You walk onto the track with your legs shaking. Who knows what the workout could be? But the coach is furious. You're best simply isn't enough. Don't you want State? Of course you do. And if you weren't born for it, you'll train for it. Run a quarter mile in 70 seconds and meet me back here. And again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Don't stop. I'll tell you when to stop. That wasn't under seventy! Now you are behind. Twenty intervals. Your whole body is crying for relief. More! Push harder! If you don't make it, you'll do this all night! You fall over and start to cry. But you can't stop. They won't let you stop. Not until you're perfect.

Tears are streaming down your face. It is 5:00 in the morning. The tears only blur the vision of your History book as you still haven't finished. A pattern you have followed every night for... how long? You know what tomorrow night brings. Time to go. But your body has had it! Is there no relief?

Why? In the car to school. You have to wonder. Why have I chosen a life of misery? What do I want? You look around for relief. Parents, friends, death. Anything. Can anyone see? Why can't it leave me?

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I never knew how this would end. But one night, with friends for the first time in a long time, I was happy. I needed them so much. Out for ice cream, out to the park... But my eye was always on one girl. Koseli. Her words have saved me so many times. I loved her smile, her positivity... I loved her so much... and she never knew. But her friends did. When the fun ended... everyone went home but her and I. We both had some things we needed to say. We both have hid for so long. But sitting there in the park - silence - the swings are still. But we sit in complete fear. It is dark except the towering lamps. The cold came over us so subtly. But it was then that I knew my life would change forever.

She asked me if I had something to say. I told her how the day went... what was happening. She knew. She was there for every interval. Every late night. She knew. But I knew that I had to tell her how I felt about her. I told her that she has been the one thing that has kept me alive. How just a simple friendship was a blessing from God. I told her that I needed to hear her and would linger on the phone after we would talk. I told her that I kept her memory close to me in everything I did. I told her I loved her.

By this point, I was expecting nothing. I was thoroughly convinced that my life was over. I just wanted to let myself leave in honesty. But there was no end. Was held each other for so long. She was paralyzed. We talked and smiled and loved each other that night. Time meant nothing anymore. 4:30. I was in so much trouble. I took her home in confusion, ecstasy, hurt, and concern. I got home and my parents sat me down until 6:00 telling me how much I have disappointed them. How I have let them down. We never knew you were...like that. And it was back. I was chained into my old habits within minutes. Please don't take me back! The prison of guilt... There was no greater pain. Oh, please.... don't take me back...

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Five months of apologies, confessions, nights, memories, lessons, and treasures of thought were shared. I'll never forget them. We have learned so much. But... at a time when we have learned to love each other the most... She left for college. A part of me had died. When she called, I would cry and hold the tears back so she'd never know. I would hold onto pictures, letters... So much memory. But one night...

One night... she came to my house. We were both speechless. We just ran to each others' arms. Whispers of assurance. Nothing is more sacred than physical touch.

We went to shop. We went to eat. Places that were all memories to us. Things that we would never forget. Things that were so close to us both... But there was one thing that was closer than we would ever know.

We went back to the park.

The park where lives were changed. Where I took a step into uneven waters in hopes of being held. Impossible. But it has happened. We when back to the swings laughing and crying. We both had come so far together. Our love was never stronger than that night.

We went into the parking lot and danced. Without any music but the crickets. No light but familiar towers - and the stars... We just held each other, we danced in a state of complete bliss. An innocent kiss. We knew how much we had saved ourselves for each other. A life of misery and pain... but for just one night... We were honest with each other. We loved each other. And we always have.

Was the work worth it? Was becoming someone that she could have forever worth the memories? Looking back... just maybe a week ago on that night... I have no regret. I now know my destiny. My purpose. To love her for the rest of eternity.

Teenage fallacy? Perhaps. But in regards to love, I think that I have found everything I will ever need to look for. The pain, the passion... love has become something that transcends time.

For just one night... years of pain have come to resolution. But for the rest of my life... I have found my infinite purpose.

Discipline makes you happy.

This post was edited by CTPhoenix on Jan 31, 2005.

Now that is what I consider poetry in it's natural honest form. Excellent post CTP. Excellent points of view, and structure of words in this particular writing. Through your words I pictured myself right along side you.

As history shows us, it has always been Aces over Kings

This post was edited by havananights on Sep 12, 2004.

That was really wonderful.

'Yeah, That's what Jesus would do. Jesus would bomb Afghanistan. Yeah.' - snowlion

Very beutiful... very very beutiful.

Pistol Grip Pump In My Lap At All Times

I think Havananight said it all ... it really was wonderful...

Foosh... Aaughh!!... Foosh... Aauuggghh!! - Cold spray deodorant

That was the most eloquent, heartfelt writing i have ever read in my entire life. i envy you. i could never get my emotions so clearly out in words. i felt as though i was you. i admire your courage, too. just to lay your soul out there, naked and bare for everyone to see. you have so much respect from me, and, if you dont mind me saying, the entire NAO community.

"Wishing on a star that's already burned out..."

Looking throughout my life, these are the things that are closest to my heart. So hear such satisfaction and praise from NAO - especially with such a weighted subject on my mind - brings me an incomprehensible joy. Thank you for your support and replies. It comes with the highest respect and gratitude.

Thank you.

Discipline makes you happy.

Simply beautiful.
May the years ahead be as rich and beautiful as king solomons mines for you and your beloved.