Reading harold_maude's journal

It reaches up and suddenly grabs you. Shakes you until it's sure your awake and fully attentive.
It's that moment of clairity when all of a sudden everything is crystal clear.
And you understand at last the random actions that you've been performing.
A good day.

I had one of thoes moments last night, well actually several, and to have just one at this time in my life would have been awesome, but several? To say I was amazed would be an understatment, it was more like blown away.

Everything in my life as been like a pot of tangled noodles and I've been trying to untangle things and in desperation and frustration fighting the flow of my life.

The first ah haaa moment came when I understood why I've been drawn to mosaics and why the direction of my art is leading that way. Everything in life is a peice of something bigger.
It's like several puzzles that are in process and when each collection is done, it's drawn to it's place in the order of our place in the universe, and a wholeness flashes.

But it's not done yet, it's waiting for the other disconnected peices to be complete and take the place desitine for it.

I understood in that moment that the universe is not complete.
We help to complete it and our connection to it makes it more than if we weren't here.

If anyone has ever played any of the mario games, there is one where you have to find the keys to acivate the pads so that the paths that mario can walk on are complete.
then you go to the star road and complete the series of levels and then it gives you a message at the end. Your special, I think is what the message is.
What I learned last night is like that. But the message isn't your special, the message is the universe needs you, and you need it. You are part of something bigger than your self, and the pain of today is going to become part of the stones that are being cut to make the gemstones that grace their place in the universe.

The next ah haaa moment came when I understood what my dreams have been and why the blackness and why the fight for life.
That was the biggest ah haaa of the night.

The black was a brick wall. I hit it going full speed, and when that happens you tend to loose the ablity to see. It happened once before in my life.
After the first one hit, I stopped doing any kind of drawing, or creating any kind of art for a while, then slowly the art too me on a different journey, one into texiles and beads and other hands on venus of creativity.
I was convinced I would never draw again. I grieved my loss, but felt nothing inside.
For ren long years my life was emersed in several things, some of which faded into lesser things, and some of which changed over the years.

What had been waiting in the wings was something that was birthed durring that time, I didn't feel it being birthed, and was growing and getting ready to take me places I never immagined.
Watercolor was the door and being able to step behind the eyes of an artist, and the ablity to hear the artist talk to me.
That's only part of what was being birthed and secretly growing in that space.

My dreams were telling me about me. Different pictures, immages all telling me the same thing, but in different ways.
Each night, the dreams would follow a certian path, and it hit me, I was listening to and watching things I couldn't see when I was awake because in waking time there was too much going on and I was too close to the forest to see the trees.

The next ah haaa moment came when I was watching people last night, as several of them came and went, the people in our lives are like strings being plucked on a very large instrument, our soul and our heart. The sound, if in the right key, leaves us with a want for more, but if in the wrong key, making a sour sound, makes us want to back off.
Instead of wanting to find out why it makes a sour sound, we back off. It's uncomfortable and can be confusing because we're not sure of the unknown causes.
It forces us to take a look, hopefully, and, if we're the cause of the sour note, it makes us responsible to do something.
We are no longer the victims and the hero's and the valient what evers that secretly we immagine ourselves to be.
It forces us to get real, and start being honest.

After having said all of that, I realize that it may apaear that I think I found all the answers.
Well, sorry to disapoint, but having an ah haaa moment, is very personal.
I think they come in a way that is designed just for us. They may be the same thing someone else needs too, but first and formost they are personal, and their only a part of the learning process. They arn't the end.
I think they come so we can be in a place to understand more
important things that are comming.

Eternal truths are all about us. We spend our lives learning to see.
We make choices to remain blind or beomce sighted souls who love freedom, and strive to roll around in freedom.
It's our choice, it always has been, it always will be.

this morning was the first morning in a very long time I didn't wake up and find anger....
It's going to be a good day.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.