Reading Bunk's journal

It seems like for periods of time I enter states of apathetic ignorance, a sort of latent indifference to the goings on of my life. And yet there are times I feel geat, peaceful; days where I work hard and get a ton accomplished, where I almost feel like I know where I'm going.

It doesn't last. Neither one seems real when I am experiencing the other.

Switches flipping inside me:

On: My mind is free, sharp. No rules constrict it, no boundries tie it down. I was made to see the big picture, to concieve of the systems in which we constantly participate.

Off: i stumbled around like an absent minded fool. i was tired, drained, slow at what i did. I kept making stupid mistakes, and wondering "how could I be so thick???" after. i had to go back to the guitar store TWICE. first I broke the bridge pins and had to get new ones (of course they didn't have the right colour) and then I broke a brand new string and had to get one of those to. i'm so lazy! i was supposed to type up my resume, but I forgot, like I forgot a lot of things...

On: I feel good and confident about myself, and I am thankful for what I possess. I have a great family, I live in a nice big house on a big lot with forest and lawn. We have good things too: I love our stereo system, our woodstove, our good TV... and of course, the instruments. The Fender is fantastic: It's unique, and it sounds great. We've also got the bass, the drums, the keyboard, the piano. I almost feel like everything is in place.

Off: it seems like, as a family, we in serious denial of our real financial state. nobody knows the numbers (which is part of the problem) but it's bad. it started a couple years ago, we got smashed by a change in tax bracket, and it's been compounding ever since. the move was supposed to take the pressure off, but with the money we spent on this place, that was only temporary. what choice did we have? nothing else would have given us what we wanted. it looks like all the money I made will be gone soon, into education. i just wish i could find work, but it's so fucking HARD! none of the places I went to, and i went to a lot, offered anything. not one peep. what the hell do I have to do?!? so many holes where the money could go, I keep feeling like I'll always be a step behind.

On: There are always friends to cheer me up. I'm like to think I'm a good person, I'm accepting of people and I have a sense of humor. I can go with the flow socially, and I'm nice. But I also have a twisted side, which I am proud of. I'm helpful, thoughtful, easygoing; but I stand up for myself too. Always try to avoid the fights, but if the need arose you would not take me down easily. No one ever really makes me feel hated, and my best friends are great people.

Off: just once i wish I could live somewhere NEAR my friends, so getting together with them wasn't such a chore. I don't see them that much. and... there are barriers too. call it the "moving syndrome". I don't really know how to get truly close to people. In the past, whenever I really started getting to be really good friends with people, we would move on. friends were missing for parts of my life, parts where i wish they had been there. and now, just when I have a friend who i feel is really a good true friend, he's going to school now and i'll hardly be seeing him. and then of course there are girls. this is probably pretty typical, but... physically attractive girls I sometimes find intimidating. ok VERY typical. but it bugs me how differently I react to people when, put plainly, they're hot. maybe if i met more of them it wouldn't be that way... sigh. and happy people scare me to, for whatever reason. i guess seeing a crowd of laughing, smiling, happy kids my age makes me feel, irrationally, like i'm missing out.

Oddly enough, I don't even care if people say "I know what you're going through" or worse "It'll all get better, you'll see". I feel better having said it, and would be satisfies if people simply read it, and understood a little more about me and possibly themselves. The past few days, I haven't written much. And soon I may need to take a break altogether, to get other things in order. But I will never regret having come here, and becoming part of this: a collection of the light of other souls that is also in turn a mirror to view my own.

You're here, aren't you? You're talking to me, aren't you?

*hugs*...

I'm not going to say anything you dont know....but its life... we get through it a day at a time =)

Foosh... Aaughh!!... Foosh... Aauuggghh!! - Cold spray deodorant

Green without Yellow

Sorrow without happiness

Standstill without change

Grace without clumsiness

Sunshine without rain

Arrogance without shame

Jekyll without Hide

A bird without wings

Agony without determination

Friends without faceless people

Cold without heat

Loneliness without community

Peace without a fight

Noise without silence

Beauty without ugliness

Love without hate

Fear without heroism

Life without death

Try to explain a random pick of those by denying the existence of the other....

Is that possible at all?

Still, it seems sort of easy to categorize each pair in good and bad, something to aim at or avoid, positive or negative.

Only by comparing things and attaching a certain value to it we are able to make a difference in certain things and so are able to judge it. There is nothing positive or negative BY NATURE, but that judgement is only done in our minds, depending on how we were raised, our external influences and long term cultural evolution.

But once we realize that... wouldn't it be worth a try to accept both sides as equally warranted to exist, actually, none of it WOULD exist without the other! Why always fight one and seek the other? Life is as good or bad as each one of us THINKS it is, there is no absolute measurement for quality, just a common agreement for what must be positive or negative. Its eachs own choice to follow that judgement or not, and so making yourself a slave to other people's rules or not.

Uhm...what's the counterpart to "money"? And what does that tell us, if there is NONE?

After decades of construction my website is finally up an running: www.kkds.de

Uhm...what's the counterpart to "money"? And what does that tell us, if there is NONE?

i see where youre going with that. honestly, im very loose with my money. if you need it, ill do what i can to help you out. but unfortunately in this society, money is something that must mean a lot to everyone, otherwise you'll fail. you have to at least have enough to get by.

im very sorry to hear that youre in a pinch, bunk. i really hope everything works out for you. im in a similar situation with my mother right now, and ive had to pay for a lot of things out of my own pocket. which, ive come to think, isnt that bad. ive finally learned the value of a dollar.

but anyway, i really everything gets better for you.
and just to let you know, youre not alone. i know you said you didnt want to hear it, but my nature wont let me go without saying it. my apologies. but i go through very very similar stages in my life. mine are usually more long term. i.e. for weeks ill be motivated and driven (usually at the beginning of the school year), then it all dies down. (for the rest of the school year). its quite sad really.

"Wishing on a star that's already burned out..."

This post was edited by Articulate_AzN on Sep 17, 2004.

I feel like I'm looking in a mirror....

I understand the need to put things in order, but I wish you wouldn't make the decision to go.
Taking a break, yes, but not just up and going....

But if you do, I'll understand, and it's ok...

It's all a matter of time right now. I've sort of been taking a break... not writing as much.

I just have this thing, where I feel like I'm not really here unless I read, or at least look at, all the stuff posted here. And it takes time.

I wouldn't leave permanently. I think I can still make time to visit here for now. I'm somewhat attached. :)

But if you do, I'll understand, and it's ok

Bittersweet, friend. Another contradiction. *sigh*

I'm still here. If I do go, I'll say so first.

You're here, aren't you? You're talking to me, aren't you?

It wasn't intended as a contradiction, just simply an acknowledgement that what ever your decision is I will respect it.

I do understand however that there are times where a person needs to step back for awhile and do things that are, for lack of a better term, nessiary.

What I would like is not important at this point, because what I want is for you to stay on here because I consider you a friend, and that's something that is worth a whole lot to me.
all the other stuff, money, jobs and things we own that end up owning us are all temporary.
Friendship is a rare gift.

I'm trying to help here.

It wasn't intended as a contradiction

... oops! What I meant was, the word "Bittersweet" is a contradiction. :p Sorry if you read that the wrong way...

I'm trying to help here

I know... did I say something wrong?

I just thought that people might have gotten the impression that i had disappeared because I hadn't written anything over the weekend... here I was just speculating taking a break... I wanted to say that if I ever really left (stopped visiting/reading/writing) entirely for a long time I would write another post saying so.

{EDIT: It seems the "Apology" post type doesn't have any little text message... I picked it for the little peace symbol...}

You're here, aren't you? You're talking to me, aren't you?

This post was edited by Bunk on Oct 05, 2004.

Ok...I understand..:)

I was worried after I read your post that you were following suit into the black hole/wall I just spent time getting out of...
The one you read and then held out your hand for me to grab on to, so to speak.
Friends do that kind of thing.
I know how bad it was for me, and after I read what you wrote,
well you get the picture.

You didn't say anything wrong. I thought maybe I had somehow added to the problem.
I didn't want to do that.

wendy