Reading MelMel's journal

Gee, isnt finding out that your peers have no respect for you wonderful! It surely will help my crippled self esteem recover! Let me try to calm myself whilst i explain the events of the past few days.

Last night was my theatre monologues. A 7 minute solo performance. Me up there by myself being watched and judged. I cannot think of a single thing more horrendous. I had been dreading the event for months. Whilst others view the evening as an excuse to get attention from others, to me it was a chance to prove my inferiority to the world, to my world.

I wored hard, really hard on my monologue. I was doing the character of phaedra from 'phaedra'. In my monologue phaedra tells her stepson she is in love with him and contemplates suicide after he says that he is in love with someone else. It is a very dramtic emotion piece. I chose this monologue out of a hat as there was nothing there that i could do well.

Ive spents weeks building myself up to it. Most of these people have never seen me show emotion. I've had many a sleepless night spent tossing and turning, trying to work out if i have the guts to do it.

I almost did too. The beginning of my my monologue was me crying whilst washing my hands and face while sigur ros's "dogun" played in the background. At this point i was hyperventilating with fear. That worked with the whole crying thing though so i was able to control myself and perform the rest of it. I still held back somewhat though. I just couldnt do it. It was one of the most traumatic experiances of my life.

I felt so naked afterwards. It was terrifying, i was so afraid. I didnt think i could ever face anyone again. But somehow i managed to get up in the morning and go to school. My anonymity (eeep, i cant spell) had crept back with the night. People had forgotten me already thank god.

Then today in thetra we were all sitting around do nothing (it was hot...32Degrees!) And david (in my theatre class, also did a mono last night... Quite talented and popular) made some crack about how all i am is an 'alternative cynic'. In the less than one second i had to decide how to react the room went silent and everyone looked around elsewhere. Nobody was going to support me. Nobody wanted to get involved. Even my teacher just looked away. Seeing this i realised that they have no respct for me so i shelved my pride and laughed along at the joke that everyone knew was not a joke.

There were so many comebacks floating around my head that my tongue was eager to taste... But no. Now i still hunger, i hunger for the respect of my peers. I want people to realise that i too am human. Is that too much to ask?

-Mel

Look at me! I'm a prostitute robot from the future!