Reading harold_maude's journal

Things have a way of repeating themselves. The patterns may take on different colorings, but the underlaying pattern is still there.

Sometimes it's hard to reconize the familiar pattern at first because how it looks may be unfamiliar, but what tips you off that it's something familiar is the reconizable feelings that come with it.

Behaivor is a good example of this. If you've ever been observant of people that you know for a while, you can begin to reconize things that are part of a type of signiture of that person.
You can after awhile tell just by looking at them what they are looking for, or if their angry or sad or excited.

And if you continue to observe them you begin to notice even more subtle things that they keep doing over and over.
Like getting excited when they know that someone they like is comming to visit, or if something is comming up they really don't want to do.

It soon feels to that person like you can read their mind, that your on the same wave length as they are.
When in reality they were an object of deep study by you.
This happens between people when one is attracted to another person.

It's often not ment in a harmful way, and very often if the person who does this every time they meet someone they like it becomes a habbit that can be almost impossible to break.
And when that happens it can and sometimes does cause problems.

I've watched people for a long time. It's part of what I've done over the years. It's helped me be more aware of people around me and when someone is angry I can then give them space so that they can be angry as long as they need to and I don't end up in the middle of that anger.

It's also kept me for a long time from letting people too close. Now that doesn't mean that there arn't people I'm close to but I'm very careful as to who I let close.
Too many emotions comming at you can really mess with your life.
It's easier to watch from a distance and keep a clear perspective.

It's been hard too because I can see things that will attract themselves to certian type of people who tend to go looking for the same things over and over again and often with out realizing they are.

I can honestly say that I've ended up in more pain this way, than by all the stupid things I've ever done in my life.
Stupid things I can deal with. I know I did something stupid and now I have to face what the result is. It's simple.
I deal with thoes feelings in a different way than I do if I'm watching someone else doing stupid stuff and no matter what you try to do or say you know their going to do it all over again.
They don't listen, even though they ask everyone they know the age old question "Why do I keep doing this?"

The answer to that and many other puzzling life questions is this if you don't know yourself very well your gonna keep doing the same old things over and over again.

I've accused myself of talking too much, and so to alieveate the problem I have kept journals for several years now.
But how do you deal with too many thoughts?

I guess journal alot for that too.
The only problem is the end result is the same.
The words are still there, the thoughts are still there having ended up in the same place.

The really nice things about journals is that the person reading or listening can always walk away with out hurting anyone's feelings.
It's not so clean when the preson is right there in person.
It's awkward and people get that I've spent ten minuets here too long, now if the conversation were about something that interested me, than I could go on for hours...kind of look in their eye and body mannerisms.

I know I talk and think to much. And I know that I have my journals, so even when I get sick of the sound of my voice and I still need to get rid of the overflow I can come and write and then walk away in to sweet silence away from myself and all the overload I live alot of my life in.

I'm greatful for a place to dump it all. And no one ever has to read it or listen to me ever again, even me.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.