Reading harold_maude's journal

I've got a short shift today, and I'm pleased about that. What ever there is that I've got to do when I get there I'll only have to think about it for 4 hours.

That's not alot of time in a 24 hour chunk of time. Even an 8 hour shift isn't alot of time when you think about it.

It's just something that exists durring the cycle of the world rotating around the sun.

I'm still trying to figure things out. Maybe there was something to what people like Jack Karoac did, I don't know if I spelled the man's name right, but at this point it's not a big worry on my list of things to worry about.

When things went black at the beginning of august there was a question that kept rolling over and over in my head. It never found an answer and it's come back again.

The question is, "for what?"

It's a huge question, one that takes up many hours, days weeks and sometimes years for some people.
For me it's now one of the things I keep bumping into every few days.
It's the one that makes you take a look at your life and gets in your face, messes up and feelings that feel good and stares at you and asks "why are you doing what your doing, and for what?"

It's here again this morning and the effect it's having reminds me of the all of the games of spider solitare that I have played where nothing makes sense and the lines just keep adding up and no matter how I try to shift things around it just ends up looking like one huge mess.

I find myself wishing that another person would show up who's been through this and sit down with me and just listen and then show me the road that would be best to take.

It's a strange thing when you feel like life is a messed up package that makes no sense, and there is this crazy quesion that drives you nuts and makes you feel like shit because you have no answers that make any sense at all.

I watch people going about their lives. It's almost like they have some kind of program going that gives them the next thing on the list and they just do it. And believe their lives are full and complete.
While other's go about things like the wind was their dancing partner and what ever flies, flies.
And they seem very content in the uncertianty of things.

Last night I was talking to one of the guys here and we were talking about health insurance and for a long time I've been at the place where I fight wanting to go off somewhere and wait for death. See what happens when the elements beat me up. See how long it would be before my survival instinct kicked in.
What I'm made of and how strong I really am, knowing that I would most likely end up dying in the fight.

From my perspective going out like that, where it doesn't hurt anybody, or doesn't cost any body anything is reasonable.

Anyway, we were talking about it, and I told him that I didn't want health insurance. And it made me wonder if I'm following in my father's footsteps. He spent the last 12 years of his life waiting for death.
He'd done everything he wanted to do. Was retired and done with life.
And it sucked watching him. All he did was get up eat, stand at the back window and watch things in his back yard, then eat lunch and take a nap. Get up in time to eat dinner and watch a little tv and then go to bed.
Sometimes the patterns would vary a bit, but basicly that was his life for the last 12 years before he died.

What a waste. I thought it then, and I think it now. But I find myself being pulled into the same mentality and it sucks.
I don't want to spend how ever long I've got left on this planet waiting for death. And for the last 4 years it's been there off and on, like a monster waiting to eat me alive.

So here I am now, caught in between looking at the way that the world is, or at least this country with all it's vast waste habbits and that thing looking at me and demanding I answer the question "for what?"
And the other thing of "there is no purpose in getting up and going to work just so you can eek out a megar living and have nothing to show for your life, so why not just stop, get in the car and go off somewhere and die."

I don't have any answers, I need answers, but there is no one able to walk in my skin so that they can see what I may have missed in the equasion.

Ya know, living in this skin is sometimes a very lonely place.
Even when you have faith, it still feels awefully lonely sometimes.

it feels like glass that can't stop being shattered.
It's headed for the wall, because something bigger than it picked it up and sent it flying.

it feels like a storm that won't go away. And no matter what you do, when you go outside your gonna get beat up by the storm.

I wish it felt like spring inside, all the way around the garden instead of the after math of a massive on going dust storm.

Oh well, I need to get ready for work, another day another dollar I guess. Another month inside under a roof instead of living up close and personal with the trees.
Oh well.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.