Reading Aynjell's journal

There are so many things that everyone around me takes for granted, things that are normal for them, things that they have always had, things I lost long ago. These things I may never again find occasion to enjoy, due to follies unspeakable in my younger years. Things I have never known, I have already forgotten, things I fear due to my unhealthy experiences. In short, I have missed, and will miss many things in my life.

How do I cope? I already can't stand to see someone with that which I desire and lack; how do I maintain an emotional homeostasis? There are so many things in life, experiences, values, relationships, and whatnot. They have left a hole where the last six years of my life was. I lost so much, and how do I remain healthy? What the fuck keeps me sane?

It defies explanation, hell even the higher ups knew it.

This deserves explanation, and as all of my freinds, I expect no disrespect. I committed some very violent crimes when I was the age of eleven. Due to my offenses against society, and my family to be more precise, I spent the last six years of my life hopping from group home to group home. I hated my very existence, and I couldn't find a comfort anywhere, aside from indulging in my own evils.

To hide from the shadows in the darkness...

After the state of Nebraska had given up, they pulled out what they considered a big gun. The treatment facility known as YRTC-K, or Youth Rehabilitation and Treatment Center of Kearney Nebraska. The majority of the treatment program, and the employment structure is prison like, but the actual physical facility could pass as a college to the naive. It was by no means confining, but this place was not where anybody would want to call home.

So, during my stay there, I, a completely insane 16 year old, made a miraculous recovery, one that defied explanation. So far, I haven't met a single person with similar background personality and issues to recover, well, as much as I did. The facility I was at, the afore mentioned YRTC-K figured it out before I did. People I did not know, higher ups at the facility, knew my name and would speak to me. They would ask me how I was doing, and knew absolutely nothing about anybody else.

This kid that I became, evolved from some demon possessed child who couldn't explain his ways. He would have to be physically restrained everyday, mostly due to his need for attention, and due to his ferociously attrocious disrespect for the authority at hand, would often recieve injections of thorazine, a particularly potent tranquilizer. Some people lose functionality of parts of their body for periods of time after the administering of said drug.

I hated everyone around me, but I needed somebody, so I cried out. Why didn't anybody care? Nobody knew who I was, all they saw was my anger, and the need to be noticed. So, because the anger was disruptive, they refused to meet my need, and would ignore me, except when unnavoidable, for instance, if I was throwing desks down the hall it dawned on them that there was a kid named James. Very few people actually cared about me, and those who did are my saints...

How did it happen, I didn't think I actively changed, it just.. well.. happened. I can't explain it, and what is worse, I can't explain how I hold it together. I guess I have a good outlet in computers, but why, how...

God, angels, something. Somebody is looking out for me, comforting me. But who?

I should be ashamed of myself.

This post was edited by Aynjell on Nov 17, 2004.

Just wanted to let you know, I'm glad your here, now. And that I've had the oportuntiy to talk to you and read what you have to say, this is no exception.
You are not who you were back then. And though your past will always be your past, it's obvious that your life was ment to be more. Other wise what ever it was that made the difference would never have happened.

I'm just glad your here, now. Just wanted to let you know.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

Even one friend can make all the difference in the world... even if that one friend is in an institution, or a hospital, or a church, or a strip club, or on a website like the NAO. You are my friend Aynjell, James... and I don't care who you were before... just who you are now. Our cells even change completely every seven years, so you are not the same person that you were... you are you, right now... no demons inside... just demons trying to sneak their way in when they don't have an invitation to the party.

You are an 'Aynjell'! At least for me, man. :)

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

When I was 10 I really didn't think I had much of a life left. I thought my goals and dreams had been shot down so much there was no point left in dreaming anymore. I didn't know want to do anymore so I would keep it all inside me and I'd attempt to write poems and storys about it. (I'm not the best writer, but I try.) Then my life took a change for the worse. I started seeing things and hearing things. It was like there were two of me. I'd be in class and all of a sudden my eyes rolled back in my head and I had changed into a mean, arguing person. When I was at home I'd be playing pool and it would take over me and shoot left handed (I'm usually right handed.) I'd be talking to things that no one else saw. I had to get tests done on my braing so they could see what was wrong. They diagnosed me wiht schizophrenia. I was in the hospital for several years and was learning to deal with the depression it caused me.

I'm out of the hospital and I'm doing a lot better than I was. I still sometimes hear voices calling my name but no one is there, I know who it is though. I do admit I miss the voice because it was like my friend. I sometimes enjoyed talking to it but I couldn't keep letting it take over me becasue it just might have never let the real me back.

I'm glad I'm still here, too.

There's a whole buffet out there, and I'm hungry.

Wow, that has to be rough. I mean, I was locked up, mostly because of things I did wrong. I was an angry person, but you, it was something beyond your control. I'm really sorry to hear that...

I should be ashamed of myself.

This post was edited by Aynjell on Nov 21, 2004.