Reading Babygirls_Babydolls's journal

This is my 2nd letter to Lewis Edward Turner.. This is my reply to his letter.11/12/04

Lewis,

As I write. I ponder things. I imagine and I wonder how I will explain. I do not write from heart-ache, resentment, or pain. For you and I are alot the same.
Kinda sounds like I am turning this letter into a poem. I am not sure how this letter will turn out or how I am
gonna respond. Things that are going on in my life have had me feeling rather outta my head lately.
I only wish a plead for your honesty. Sounds kinda goofy (I plead to you). You honestly have no reason not to be. The past is over all we can do is try to make it new. There have been real things that I want to tell you. There is no more judgement that can be done to you. Not that I could have ever judged you in the first place.
I really thought your moms poem was beautiful. Did she have is published in remeberance of Victoria?
Did your mom ever get to see or know her? Your poem made me wonder though. I felt like half of it spoke of
the moment she died. More like a poem of memories of when it occured and a mixture of how you felt shortly afterwards. Lewis do you speak to Tanya, or does she write? Does she still live in the apartments? Do you know if she is still in Conyers? How is she doing? I really do have so many questions. Do you want me to Laminate the poems and place them on Tori's grave? What material possessions (pictures, newspaper clippings, letters) do you have reminding you of your life with Tori Grace and Tanya? Are you and your mom real close? Do you have Any close relatives or friends now? What do they think or say to you about Victoria's death? Maybe I am being a little nosey here. I am just curious. These are some of the things I think of. I am asking for no reason other than because I just want to know.

Lewis I dreamed that I saw Victoria's death. This was shortly after she died. Then Two months after Victoria died I had another dream about her. In this dream Victoria spoke to me. After victoria spoke to me I felt maybe it healed my heart a little. I stopped crying and thinking, "why Hope did you not stop it? Why did you not visit her that day." Lewis I understand what the Doctors said about " SHAKEN BABY." But I ask for reasons all my own about that day. What happened that day! Please tell me and be honest. I know things must be going through your mind over and over. You must probably try to imagine things really weren't as bad. I know things were going okay at the beginning. Tori and I were closer than anyone else so I do know. It went well for a couple of months. At the end though. The last 6 month period it went from mental to physical abuse. Victoria told me things that literaly made me lay awake crying. I told everyone That knew Victoria including all of Victorias family. I know in my heart I did the right thing. I know in my heart calling DFACS would not have been a good thing. There were days I would tell Scott, You gotta do it I can't take her to the door." He would just look at me like he was thinking I hope she is not right. Tell me what set you off that day. Was it anything SHE did? What were the words you said to her while this went on? Before Victoria went into her coma or died. What were the last words that she spoke? These things Lewis I need to know.

From here on out I write to you things I have posted on the internet, poems of what I think, things I have dealt with. I also am going to send to you the statement I sent to DFACS after her death. I almost felt it impossible not to. These were the things I knew and what I did. This is exactly word for word what I gave DFACS and The police...

I started babysitting Victoria in April of 2001. Victoria was 9 mnths old.

In JULY Of 2001-
Tanya told me she took Victoria to the doctor over her behavior. Tanya said she told the doctor, Victoria crys so much I feel like throwing her out the window." Tanya said, " The doctor told her to ignore the problem, and act like it doesn't bother you." She said the doctor told her to put Victoria in the corner. Tanya then asked if I was having problems with her. I told Tanya Victoria was a sweet heart I never really have to get onto her here. Victoria did not crry or have unusual behavior problems here. Tanya told me, " Ijust don't understand why she acts so bad only with me." She also told me if I need to spank Victoria that it was okay. Victoria I told her is not the type you have to spank."

Around NOVEMBER Or DECEMBER of 2001-
Victorias dad was still living in the home. Victorias dad David called me on the telephone. david asked me if anyone was in the car with Tanya. I opened the front door and informed him. Yes he is with her ( I thought it was THEIR friend.) David told me, "Hope she is doing bad things with him, she is cheaing on me with him." The following day when Tanya dropped Victoria off. Tanya explained to me that the night before when she was talking to this guy Lewis on the phone. David snatched the phone from her and hit her in the head with it: She told me if he showed up at my house to tell David Victoria doesn't stay with me anymore. Tanya told me to call the police. David moved out the following day, Lewis moved in 2 days later.

APRIL & May 2002-
Victoria's behavior started to change. She started becoming very quiet, and was scared to go home. She would start screaming whenever she thought someone was here. She started twirling her hair in tiny knots.

In June & July of 2002-
Victoria started telling me " you don't have daddy", "Lewis don't want you" And "Lewis hates you now." I didn't know what to do so I spoke with Tanya. I told Tanya what Victoria had been saying. Tanya said, "please don't call DFACS on me Hope." I said, "Tanya I am not going to call DFACS I just want you to know what she has been saying." Tanya said, " I know Hope she tells me that to."

At The End Of JULY 2002-
Tanya said Lewis moved out because Victoria hated him. Lewis moved back in the next day.

At The Beginning Of AUGUST 2002-
Victoria was sitting in my lap watching a movie on the computer. She said, " momma kick you in you head." I said do what your mom kicked you in the head. I asked Victoria why did momma kick you Victoria. Victoria said, "mom cut light off and kick you in the head Hopie" I told Lewis Victoria has been talking about the kitchen alot and he said Victoria had just gotten a new play kitchen.

By The End Of AUGUST 2002-
Victoria's twriling of the hair was getting very bad. Tanya told me she took Victoria to the doctor over it. Tanya said the doctor told her it was a habit like thumb sucking. Around 3:30 everyday Victoria would start twirling her hair and following me around the house. Lewis at this time was picking Victoria up at 5:00 - 5:30. Victoria would scream I want you Hopie. She was terrified hiding her face from Lewis. I got to where I hated her leaving it worried me.

In SEPTEMBER 2002 -
I was out side with Victoria, and she said, "Lewis shake you head." I said Victoria how does Lewis shake your head. Victorias reply was, "Lewis Pick you arms up and shake you head." I told Victoria, "momma doesn't believe Hope tell Na- Na, Na- na (Tanyas mom) will stop them. Victoria said tell Na Na I want Na na.

About The 2nd Week Of SEPTEMBER 2002 Sept 23rd-
Victoria had a large wound on her head. There was hair missing in places over the wound. It was oozing a clear green infection. Victoria told me, "mom brush it out."

The Last Week Of SEPTEMBER 2002 (Sept 30th) -
Victoria kept saying " Hopie Boo Boo hurts" pointing at her rear end. Victoria was potty training with pull up. So, I only changed stink accidents. When I looked at victorias rear end. She had several small circle bruises on her butt. I do not know where they came from but it looked like pinch marks.

OCTOBER 1st The Next Day-
I was changing her dipear and noticed her whole butt was a bruise. It was not a hand print bruise it was a bruise that covered her whole rear end

OCTOBER 2nd 2002-
I also babysat for Tanyas best friend (Teresa H.) I spoke with Teresa, and told her I didn't know what to do. I told her I had spoke with Tanya about what Victoria was saying, but now she was coming with wounds and bruises.
Victoria did not show up on this day.

OCTOBER 3rd 2002-
Tanya called me and said that she was going to keep Victoria at Home because she couldn't stand the thought of me thinking she was abusing Victoria. I asked her what was I suppose to think. I asked her about her head wound. Tanya said, " I told you Hope I burnt her with a blowdryer the same day I cut her hair." I asked her about her bruised buttt, and she said she knew it was there. She said, " She must have fell out of her baby bed."
Victoria was scared of heights. Victoria would not have done that. She slept in a playpen at my home and never attempted to climb out. She would scream if you sat her on the counter top.

OCTOBER 4th 2002-
David W. Victorias dad came to see Victoria. That was when I explained to him Tanya fired me because she didn't like me thinking they were abusing her. He told me he was going to call DFACS and put a stop to it.

OCTOBER 6th 2002-
Tanyas mother Cyndi T. called me. She told me if I loved Victoria I would not be causing Tanya so much problems. Cyndi told me that she knew I had a son, and that i was digging a ditch deeper than what I could climb out. I hung up on her and she called right back. My fiance Scott C. Began arguing with her on the phone.

~LATER THAT DAY~

Tanya called and told me I needed to quit telling everyone they were abusing Victoria. Tanya said I wanted to call you yesturday and tell you David came over here. She said, "david thought he was going to do something, but I called the police on him. I told you Hope I have a restraining order on him." Hope David abuses me.

During the time this was going on I spoke with:

Tanyas best friend Teresa H
Teresa H mom Janice D.
Tanyas mom Cyndi T
David W
Beth C
Shelia C
James C
Melodie W
Michelle W
Jerry G

12/30/02
Signed HOPE

So when you think about it Tanya was abusing my baby to.

Many a nights unable to sleep. I lay terrified praying endlessly with tears in my eyes. I knew not what to do or where to go. Then all od the sudden the bruises started to show. I begged I pleaded and ther wasn't a soul. There were things that wre said. there was fear in those eyes. To me it came as such a suprise. When they didn't listen it brought memories to mind. For 6 mnths I knew Victoria was a special Angel of mine. I was fired for the fear and the pleasures of the blind. All of this while she was still alive.

Sometimes it hurts your pride. But somewhere along the lines you told a few lies. It wasn't the first, only, nor would it had been the last. If God had not saved that baby that he created best. I knew about the drugs even before you wrote it on the lines. Someone else had told me about you and Tanya another time.

Do you know exactally why I wrote to you? Do you believe in Karma? The words or how it may feel. Do you imagine life as some tragic spell? Its something I know all to well? Do you have faith in things? That have yet to be explained? Let me just tell you, You have his name. You reckon only now people are calling you insane? Listen! Listen! Life shall never be the same.
Silence now your thoughts undoubted. Quiet in mind. No thrills just be still

To be spiritual is to be at ease to be intune. To hear his voice and to understand his love. The only thoughts you'll ever think are the ones wrote in blood. Never endless turning love. Something you only get from the mystey above. To show you things you've never seen. To be with you in his special dreams. How precious is this gift. Something that couldn't come from anything inbetwen. A mind on God is what you find in one who is spiritual. Its something hard to hide. Its not only whats felt inside.

To be blessed is to be at rest! I hate to say shes better that way. Who cared even on that day? The blind are those who do not see. The emptiness rolling, tumbling, darkness insdie those beautiful eyes.

FORGIVENESS is to forgive asking to Forget.
(FORGIVE)
1. To give up resentment against or the desire to punish. 2. Pardon (an offense or offender) 3. To excuse (a person) for a fault

EXCUSE is to dismiss
DISMISS 1. to allow to leave 2.)Put aside
On other words when you ask someone to FORGIVE you. You are saying will you forget it.

These things are not for me to do. For there is only one able to forgive you. For I am only able to tell you what I feel inside.

~LEWIS~
I request not a punishment or have any desire. I can not excuse/ Forget you for a fault or put aside hwat you may now feel inside.

This is something I wrote some time ago. It is a poem/ letter as something I can only describe as backsliding.

Reading Babygirls_Babydolls Journal
May 29, 2004 00:50
Mood: isn't happy...
Dear God
Inside the Heart the mouth is restrained.
Evil and saddeness lurking within the brain.
The Hope of Joy is with me Still.
I long for the peace that I once knew so well.
Being locked within the bounds of the mind.
There you look and sadness you will find.
To feel the loss of a spirit breaking.
The thoughts remain as flesh it seems.
Thinking how will today end and what will tommorrow bring.
Will I ever be as close to you as I once was before?
To hear the voice and to hear no more it has me aching for so much more.
Within a valley a sea a shore.
I beg of you Lord to come once more.
To have a family at home and to feel so alone.
Please God don't let me do this on my own.
Hold my hand and walk with me.
Lead me to the peace that I use to see.
Give me the wisdom and help me understand.
Why is it me that you put forth in this land?
Lord put the thoughts back into me
The thoughts that brought you to me.
I use to think God you are really in me.
I see what you want but I see you no more.
I know you haven't left your inside and waiting for me to put this flesh to an end!
The days of old many I have told.
Back then in you I spoke very bold.
It was you who spoke to me and the whole world I woulda told.
Had it not been for the evil that lives within the soul.
The thoughts of man in me you find.
In the Lord I have fell behind.
Come Lord let my heart be where you reside.
For you know my heart and whats inside.
The is nothing that I can hide.
Lead me to the place I once knew.
Where the waters are calm and crystal blue.
Back to where my hearts thoughts are always with you.
Yeild to the spirit.
Yeild to the mind
yield to the wisdom that you shall find.
Yeild to the fact that he loves you and wouldn't leave you blue.
Oh yes believe me its true!
Its all because of me.
This is not how its suppose to be.
Learn your thoughts and learn em well before you run to hell!
He waits, He watches and he speaks.
The Bible says to worship think and to be meek.
I believe therefore if I fix my mind
I shall not be left behind.
Look at me I am the soul you shall find
" Two men stand in prison bars, one sees mudd the other sees stars."

May 30, 2004 04:17
Babygirl_Babydolls replies...
Re: Dear God
What I read today!!!
Psalms.143
[1] Hear my prayer, O LORD, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.
[2] And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.
[3] For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.
[4] Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.
[5] I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.
[6] I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.
[7] Hear me speedily, O LORD: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.
[8] Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
[9] Deliver me, O LORD, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.
[10] Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.
[11] Quicken me, O LORD, for thy name's sake: for thy righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.
[12] And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.
" Two men stand in prison bars, one sees mudd the other sees stars."

I have this lil doll that kinda makes me think of Tori Grace. I am not sure why but I feel like this doll watches everything I do. This is a story I posted on the internet about this Doll. Victoria is my little Angel.

Reading Babygirls_Babydolls Journal
May 15, 2004 03:18
Mood: tells about...
Angels And My Broke Doll
My friend came over about 2 months ago. She brought her 2 little girls. One of the girls is about 6 mnths away from being 2.
~Anyaways~
I have a coffee table in the middle of my living room.. I have several candles and 2 figurines sitting on it.. One is a small lil boy holding a teddy bear and the other is a lil girl holding a teddy bear.. I think my figurines are adorable.. My friends baby girl loves the Dolls 2..When she came over she toted them around for ever all throughout the house..
When she left I couldn't find my Little boy doll.. I searched up and down for the thing for about 4 weeks and could not find it.. Everytime my friend brought her lil girl over I would say Kelsey baby where is Hopes lil boy..Then I would point to the lil girl doll and say, "Look she is missing her friend."
After about 4 weeks I was cleaning behing the entertainment center and stuffed under it was my doll broke in 2 pieces.. The doll really meant nothing to me.. I just thought they were cute. I think I bout them at the local Dollar Tree store..You know where everythings a dollar (LOL) .. When I located my doll I immediatly realize my 9 year old son had to had broke an thrown it that far back behind the entertainment center..
~Back To The Story~
About a month after I found the doll my friend came to me with a shocked look on her face.. She says Hope here, and handed me the doll I had thrown away..I said SHELLEY did you buy me a new one?? She said No Hope. Kelsey brought it to me... I was like Shelley the doll broke I threw it away.. She said I know I remeber you telling me thats why I told mom you were gonna be shocked and wouldn't believe it!! She said that her 9 year old was playing with her Clifford riding toy and the doll was in the seat of it...
I was amazed because of the way she acted I knew this was not something she had bought.. I was telling my mom about it cause she was here the day I found it under the entertainment center broke... She was saying I bet Shelley bought a new one because she remebered it..
Immediatly afterward I was then just sitting on my sofa and got to thinking
about myself as a fish (lol). The water felt so good on me and my mind all the sudden started reciting this poem.. I am not sure if I read it somewhere or if my mind made it up..I mean it was like I was reciting from memory..
The Poem:
Angels presence always near
Guide me safe to waters clear
lead me not the enemies way
Guide me safe throughout the day!!
I quit reciting this poem that was going over and over through my head and looked at mom and said You know what.. That Lil Girl Doll everytime I look at her she reminds me of Victoria (was 2 yr old that died). She said Everytime I look at her I think of victoria to.. The doll to me reminds me of an angel looking at me..
I dunno I just thought this was cool!!
But now that I read it it sounds BLAH!
" Two men stand in prison bars, one sees mudd the other sees stars."