Reading exotic_angel's journal

I’m young, beautiful and highly successful. I run the marketing department for one of the world’s largest alcohol companies. I’m independent and smart and have a healthy social life. Yet still there’s a secret part of me that only “him” can see.
Our friendship was always innocent and blissful, but somehow curiosity and sex driven hormones got the better of us. Two years ago I stumbled into a friends with benefits relationship. It didn’t change anything at first, we were still “friends” we still talked about everything, still went clubbing together and still dated other people. I swore I’d never fall for him. But I did and after so many months of rejection, many nights of kissing and intense love making only to wake up and say good bye, many broken promise and so many “other” girls, something happened. He started to care... subtly we started to do all the things we used to do before sex got in the way. And I truly believed that finally here it was.. that sometimes in the middle of an ordinary life, love can bring you a fairy tale. Maybe this one won’t be happily ever after, Last night after more than 3 months my FWB and I got a little “freaky.” It wasn’t long and it wasn’t much, but it wasn’t the things he did or the way I pleased him. It was all the things he said, all the sweet little things. I offered up my everything, my innocence and he calmly refused saying that I should save it for “the one.” as I looked down into his eyes and smiled I secretly hoped and prayed that it would be him. Truth is, my virginity has always meant a lot to me, but I willingly laid down myself for him with sureness that he won’t take it, he won’t break me. Maybe it’s not love, you don’t have to be in love with someone to care about them or protect them, but whatever it is I’m thankful.
Two days later..
The words, “I don’t want you” echo endlessly within my head.
Those three words stood out and stung more than any other words ever did. He promised that it’s not another girl. But he doesn’t want me he doesn’t want to be with me, no kissing, nothing but the “occasional head”. I feel shattered and rejected, but I can’t make him love me, I can’t make him feel things that just aren’t there. I must let go and Welcome this new life.
I’ve been here a million times in a million ways and I’m feeling all the things I felt before. I don’t want to say good-bye I don’t want to walk away. But he’s not going to change and I understand the reality of this. Now as I painful watch all the memories burn bitterly beneath the smoldering flame, all I can feel is sadness. I’m hurting and there’s so many other things that I’ve got to deal with, I must move on. The anticipation, the late night talking, all the laughter and sweet nothings, it’s over. Every other guy feels like a temporary substitute until he comes back, until this love, explodes into a great endless inferno. But it’s never going to be and the only flame that’s burning is that of good bye.
I’m just a convenient pleasure. The truth hurts, I can feel my heart crumbling at the thought of him being with someone else, it crumbles and dies even more when I think of all the words he’d say if I told him how I feel. But there’s hope, there is always hope, because it’s only him and it’s always been him. He’s been that splash of color in my lonely mind, that iridescent light that shines through every bitter tear. But it’s only a dream and all my hopes still can’t change destiny. I wish it didn’t have to be another lonely Christmas, another lonely new years eve’s, another birthday to cry all alone. There’s got to be more to life and I want to find it, I want to find that purpose that’ll make me forget all the pain, that’ll fill my world up with other dreams and other fancy things. Love is just another overused four letter word.
Will it ever last???

I've had a friend with benefits also. I know how it is. In the begining it was just all fun and games. I was heartbroken and he was just easing my pain I guess. But I did start falling for him and I realized why I was falling for him. It was because he gave me what I needed at the time.

My story's a little bit different though. It was switched he was more like you and I'm more like the guy in your story. So hopefully I can help you out.

See we did want to be together but our friends wouldn't accept the fact that we were together. So we just kept it a secret. But deep down I was just with him honestly for rebound action. Everything he did felt so good and right I didn't want to let it go.

See, I broke things off after I got back with the guy I was with before me and my FWB started hooking up. But we're still cool. I a couple a days ago he just told me that he adores me and I adore the kid too. To me he'll always mean a little something more then just good friends. And although he knows I'm back with my mean man he still keeps trying to persuade me to cheat on boyfriend but I won't and honestly last night I almost did after I got home.

What I'm trying to say is this guy probably does care about you. And not to worry because you'll probably always mean more to him then just friends and he probably didn't have sex with you because he didn't want to take your innocence away. When he said he doesn't want you I don't think he ment he doesn't seriously want you or else he would have never hooked up with you before he just probably honestly wants you to lose what you have to the right guy that you truly fall in love with.

And as for your feelings for him. They will devolpe over time with an FWB. That's like a fact and thats probably how you got those feelings towards him. I mean you can't constantly hook up with someone and not have feelings develope. He could also be hiding in a way and doesn't want to admit to himself that he fell for you.

Oh. and your wrong. Love isn't an overused four letter word. Love is what makes the world go round.

Saara

Hey burning tears
thanks for replying, i feel a little bit clearer about the whole thing, ur comments were meaningful and i really appreciate the insisght..
i feel that he does care about me and he does "like" me but he doesn't want to be romatically involved right now..
he loves his freedom, he parties alot and was somewhat of a player for a while, i guess he isn't quite ready to commmit..
u handle ur FWB relationship really impressively..
good luck with everything

Thanks. Right now I definently need the luck. Your probably right..but dont worry about it, it's just a phase all guys go through and don't want to be held down. So don;t worry about anything and hey you should try living life the way he is right now. TRUST ME you won't regret it. Just don't make the same mistakes I did and be as dumb as I am an you'll be fine. HaHA. Well maybe I'm not the best person to take advice from.

Saara

Hey i always appreciate hearin from u and maybe some may disagree but i think u handled ur situation well..
i hope this does not disappoint u.. but i lost my virginity.. and although we didn’t have sex all the way, after trying there was blood. So considering that society deems being a virgin as still having your hymen intact mines isn’t anymore and I figure that means I’m not a virgin.
He was incredibly sweet and seemingly sincere, the pain was too much and that’s why he stopped. It’s not the first time we’ve tried this but it is the first time in a long time. The foreplay was awesome though. His kisses were intense and wonderful, his lips were soft and delicious, more amazing than I had remembered. The former player broke his own rule of “not having sex or kissing unless he’s intimately in love” to kiss and try to sex me.
At first I was more confused, spellbound and even more hopeful than I had ever been.
I decided that I couldn’t stay away from him because he’s my best friend for so many reasons and staying away won’t put these feelings to an end... I still don’t know what it all meant, we cuddled a lot and some time during the intense foreplay he just held me really closely and didn’t let go for a really long time. I felt safe and fulfilled just being there our bodies entwined so hotly together. I don’t know if it was that the foreplay was so good that he did all the things he did or if it meant that he has been concealing some intimate feelings as well.
I told him “I really like you and this life is so twisted I could possibly have any other guy that I barely try for except the one that I really want” and he said “V we discussed this you know we can’t be BF and BF right” but I don’t know and I still don’t understand…
It all had me feeling like such a looser I always thought I was smarter than this.. and I am... somtimes..
Strangely losing my virginity has made me stronger somehow and now I feel like I can better understand and accept this situation. It’s liberating. Yet still there’s a flicker of regret when I think about how much it meant to me. I thought I’d lose my virginity on a perfect night, dancing and kissing and expensive champagne. There’d be soft music and a big full moon outside. Fluffy white sheets and lots and lots of laughter. But this existence isn’t always as sweet as we hope it to be.
I remember a time not so long ago when life was so much simpler, when every wish had the power to come true and holding hands meant so much, when true love still existed. But where did it all go? Was it just another illusion in my fairy tale mind? I believed in destiny and that somewhere there was someone waiting just for me. Yet, now it seems like every one is all consumed with money, sex and power. Where did all the passion go? Whispering sweet nothings and dancing in the rain.
He never cared for me; it’s always up and leave, always another girl, always broken promises. He got up and sat in front the television as if I meant nothing, as if I wasn’t even there. I felt so alone and shattered after I realized I had lost innocence and all I wanted was to be held, to hear him say he loves me. But how could I even want this? It’s just like another stuffy board meeting, everyone’s there for a purpose, life isn’t a sweet sentimental cliché. I know I must accept this fate and learn to build my dreams on a concrete mind, destroy these emotions that cause me pain.
This is where it all happens I can either let this situation break me or rise above it all. I know I have the potential to do and be great things, if only I focus more of my time and energy on more important things. But when I’m gone I’m never turning back.
All things happen for a reason and I feel safe to know that my future is in the hands of my faithful friend and companion and I’m not ashamed to proclaim his name, Jesus.
Again, thank you for the support and advice, it’s really comforting to know that there are such wonderful, caring, people out there who’d take some time off from their busy lives to help heal a broken heart.
God bless and be with you forever.