Reading exotic_angel's journal

As a follow up to my first post “Friends with benefits”..
I lost my virginity.. but well didn’t have sex all the way, we tried and after there was blood. So considering that society deems being a virgin as still having your hymen intact mines isn’t anymore and I figure that means I’m not a virgin.
He was incredibly sweet and seemingly sincere, the pain was too much and that’s why he stopped. It’s not the first time we’ve tried this but it is the first time in a long time. The foreplay was awesome though. His kisses were intense and wonderful, his lips were soft and delicious, more amazing than I had remembered. The former player broke his own rule of “not having sex or kissing unless he’s intimately in love” to kiss and try to sex me.
Now I’m even more confused..
I can’t stay away from him because he’s my best friend for so many reasons and I wish this could work out.. and staying away won’t put these feelings to an end... I don’t know what it all meant, we cuddled a lot as well; some time during the intense foreplay he just held me really closely and didn’t let go for a really long time. I felt safe and fulfilled just being there our bodies entwined so hotly together. Is it that the foreplay was so good that he did all the things he did or could it be that he’s concealing some intimate feelings as well???
He’s the most confusing most complex guy I’ve ever met and I need some kind of answers..
I told him “I really like you and this life is so twisted I could possibly have any other guy that I barely try for except the one that I really want” and he said “V we discussed this you know we can’t be BF and BF right” but I don’t know and I don’t understand…
I feel like such a looser I always thought I was smarter than this..
Please help …

First being a virgin is always said to be traditional in this days...Because of many reasons..One such reason is the media..

Second why control your emotions for this guy....???If this guy is worthy for those emotions you feel..

Third i myself as a guy already lost my virginity....But i onle\y did in twice...With a recent companion...We both have no feelings for each other and still we enjoyed...

Lastly you don't need help or advice from other people..Because it's your entire emotional status is at stake...Just think it over thoroughly and you will find the right answers to the questions that bother you.....Hope this advice will help you
exoti_angel.....

Thank you for your advice, although I think I got it a couple days too late. I hope this does not disappoint you, but I lost my virginity.. and well we didn’t have sex all the way, but we tried and after there was blood. So considering that society deems being a virgin as still having your hymen intact mines isn’t anymore and I figure that means I’m not a virgin.
He was incredibly sweet and seemingly sincere, the pain was too much and that’s why he stopped. It’s not the first time we’ve tried this but it is the first time in a long time. The foreplay was awesome though. His kisses were intense and wonderful, his lips were soft and delicious, more amazing than I had remembered. The former player broke his own rule of “not having sex or kissing unless he’s intimately in love” to kiss and try to sex me.
At first I was more confused, spellbound and even more hopeful than I had ever been.
I decided that I couldn’t stay away from him because he’s my best friend for so many reasons and staying away won’t put these feelings to an end... I still don’t know what it all meant, we cuddled a lot and some time during the intense foreplay he just held me really closely and didn’t let go for a really long time. I felt safe and fulfilled just being there our bodies entwined so hotly together. I don’t know if it was that the foreplay was so good that he did all the things he did or if it meant that he has been concealing some intimate feelings as well.
I told him “I really like you and this life is so twisted I could possibly have any other guy that I barely try for except the one that I really want” and he said “V we discussed this you know we can’t be BF and BF right” but I don’t know and I still don’t understand…
It all had me feeling like such a looser I always thought I was smarter than this.. and I am.
Strangely losing my virginity has made me stronger somehow and now I feel like I can better understand and accept this situation. It’s liberating. Yet still there’s a flicker of regret when I think about how much it meant to me. I thought I’d lose my virginity on a perfect night, dancing and kissing and expensive champagne. There’d be soft music and a big full moon outside. Fluffy white sheets and lots and lots of laughter. But this existence isn’t always as sweet as we hope it to be.
I remember a time not so long ago when life was so much simpler, when every wish had the power to come true and holding hands meant so much, when true love still existed. But where did it all go? Was it just another illusion in my fairy tale mind? I believed in destiny and that somewhere there was someone waiting just for me. Yet, now it seems like every one is all consumed with money, sex and power. Where did all the passion go? Whispering sweet nothings and dancing in the rain.
He never cared for me; it’s always up and leave, always another girl, always broken promises. He got up and sat in front the television as if I meant nothing, as if I wasn’t even there. I felt so alone and shattered after I realized I had lost innocence and all I wanted was to be held, to hear him say he loves me. But how could I even want this? It’s just like another stuffy board meeting, everyone’s there for a purpose, life isn’t a sweet sentimental cliché. I know I must accept this fate and learn to build my dreams on a concrete mind, destroy these emotions that cause me pain.
This is where it all happens I can either let this situation break me or rise above it all. I know I have the potential to do and be great things, if only I focus more of my time and energy on more important things. But when I’m gone I’m never turning back, I never do.
All things happen for a reason and I feel safe to know that my future is in the hands of my faithful friend and companion and I’m not ashamed to proclaim his name, Jesus.
Again, thank you for the support and advice, it’s really comforting to know that there are such wonderful, caring, people out there who’d take some time off from their busy lives to help heal a broken heart.
God bless and be with you forever.

Believe me I’m sure if I lost my virginity I would feel exactly like you do. Perhaps even worse...
I personally worked the hardest I could to have complete celibacy, I saved everything for my one true love, even down to looking into
the eyes of her. Because of my extreme ways of holding back completely people thought I was gay. But I didn’t care because I
was saving it for some one special. That’s when I fell in love.... and now i have the privilege of saying I held everything back
for her... no crushes, no thoughts, no eyes had I stare into. I apparently scare people on how pure I worked to be, but the
point is that because i worked so hard i have a level of purity that makes me ... a very virgin, virgin. And I don’t care about
sex or anything like that... to me... the most exciting moment in my life would be to look into the eyes of a woman finally...
her... and to finally touch the skin of a woman... her.
I say this to you to tell you that you are still pure in some ways because you want what really is part of being a virgin, the
dreams of the soft kisses and being held and holding close and whispering sweet nothings and just having a guy that his very
existences is the most amazing thing to him.
And if I have done this for one woman, then I cant be alone. So what i think you need is some one who sacrificed like I did.
Because he is what you dream of... some one who would care for you so much, that he will give you exactly what you want and
how much and how fast and how soon with complete passion and longing for you. So that you can be around him and the romance
would fill the air just being near him. I believe your still a virgin in your mind, so I would say don’t work to live with the
fact that it happened. Try to convince yourself your still a virgin, because by the world’s definition you are no longer, but you
still lost out on so much, the things that really count.

So accept the fact that now your a virgin again, you almost lost it, but now you have another chance, this time find some one
who is innocent. And pure, for you will be his entire world, the satisfaction level of experiencing a young innocent love
slowly even coming to the thought of sex,... think about that... you haven’t had it, you haven’t had a dream come true for you.
I believe you lose your virginity when you have fully experienced your ultimate dream or some thing at the same level.
And so therefore you are still innocent. But with knowledge, so imagine the little you know now, will have a dramatic effect on
your dream.

But this existence isn%u2019t always as sweet as we hope it to be.
I remember a time not so long ago when life was so much simpler, when every wish had the power to come true and holding hands
meant so much, when true love still existed. But where did it all go? Was it just another illusion in my fairy tale mind? I
believed in destiny and that somewhere there was someone waiting just for me. Yet, now it seems like every one is all
consumed with money, sex and power. Where did all the passion go? Whispering sweet nothings and dancing in the rain.

Yes it does exist and you haven’t missed the boat, you got a sneak preview of what a true dream is. Some one just spoiled the
climax. But do you enjoy a movie by walking in at the end? no.. you still need the rest of the movie before you can say "Yes
i have truly seen the best movie of all time now"
So don’t let the world tell you that you have lost out, because you haven’t. Keep those dreams of your virgin experience and you will
have the most wonderful experience you could ever dream of. Because when dreams come true there always better than you
expected.

I pray that my love, will experience more than she wished for... but believe me, sex is not even going to be there. I love her so
much I could never do some thing like that. True love does exist, its not a dream you have but a vision.

So how does it feel to be virgin again?

This post was edited by DorianWildeGray on Jan 27, 2005.

Hey dorian
thanks for ur imput and encourage, it's really motivating to know that there are guys like u out there..
I wish u all the ebst.. U write beautifully and good luck with finding ur "special someone"