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Reading harold_maude's journal

The following poems are ones that I wrote a few years ago...
Some of the ones I liked the best...
Just goes to show that I have a quirk rolling around in my head and every so often it shows up...:)

Uncle Bob and the pig...
I think he loved that pig
not in a normal way
that's why he showed up
to grab his ten minuets of fame
He loved that pig
better than his wife
loved that pig
in a way
that just isn't right
He took that pig everwhere
from morning until night
dressed that pig up
and held that pig tight
took her to the movies
though they'd never let him in
Mann he loved that pig
what a strange sight
Uncle Bob
with his dressed up pig
even had shoes made
for thoes oinker feet
but the pig was of a mind
to go with out.
The pig was spoiled
and once his wife complained
when Bob
tried to bring the pig into bed.
He bought the pig flowers
which the pig promptly ate
forgot his wife's birthday
but never missed a date
with that pig
he loved so much.
His wife got plenty tire
so late one summer night
she mixed something special
for the pig
Bob was happy
because he thought
"At last, she sees the pig
just like me
now we can be a happy family"
With a look in her eye
and a smile on her face
she gave that dish
to the waiting hungry pig
before the pig
finished the dish
she fell into the food
Bob screamed
his beloved pig
now dead on his kitchen floor
His wife laughed
she was free
the smelly old swine
was gone!
Bob
he flew into a rage
for he knew
what his wife had done.
Before he got very far
with kitchen knife in hand
there was pounding on the door
the cops had made it just in time
They took Bob away
screaming at his wife
telling them
she had murdered his beloved pig
But killing a pig isn't a crime
while killing your wife is....
she sits at the kitchen table
smiling quite content
thinking of all the wonderful things
she finally get to do
And as for that pig
well I'll just have the butcher come
and there will be plenty of meat....
now if your thinking this is so unfair, and justice up and went somewhere...
listen just a little more....
She fries the apples
covers them
smothers them
in sweet brown sugar
the smell of pork chops
fill the air
making it hard to wait
she set the table
just for one
but used the finest crystal
pulled her mothers best silver
and laid it out
proper and right
got her self a bottle of wine
this was her celebration dinner
Bob was gone
that crazy man
who loved a pig more than her
Her revenge would be sweet
only wish he could be here
to watch her eat.....
It smelled delicious
it smelled diving
she sipped the wine
as she sat down to dine
green beans with almonds
fried apples
baked potato
fresh hot rolls
and the best of all
a pork chop
a single pork chop.....
she smiles....
...........
A few days later, when a stange and horrible odor began to filter into the neighbors apartments,
someone went to check on her.
The smell of decaying flesh
permeated the air
she was still at the table
her head on the plate....
the pork chop it seems
was laced with poision
somthing she didn't count on..
Bob smiles
a life for a life
his beloved pig
he'll miss her so
she was the best
He closes his eyes
now he can finally rest
as he wraps his arms
gently around the little pink body
of his new best friend.

The smelly part of the Sink

Open the doors
and take a look inside
it's a place
where even the bravest
often fear to tread.
It's taken for granted
often not thought of
until there is a leak
or somthing suddenly bursts.
Thoes pipes
mysterous
as they are
the ones that hide so much
of things we easily disgard
Bacon grease
bits of food
that after years
breaks down the walls
and sometimes
eats right through.
It's the smelly part of the sink
the one that's hidden from view
the one with all that black stuff
that kills cock roaches dead.
It bends and wanders
over here and over there
it gurgles
and slurps
and snuzzles
and woozes
it does things
in the middle of the night
when your not awake
it is the highway
for things
that stay out of day light.
With in it's walls
the putrid soup cooks
and all that stuff
when the dishes are done
lays dead
and wet
silently decomposing.
Then one day
when your not aware
it eats through a seal
and black sludge and water
goes every where....
did you ever stop to wonder
if it's maybe alive
and wanting more space
so that it can grow
and thrive?
Does it sit there
plotting day after day
of how to break out
and take over your kitchen?
The smelly part of the sink
is why plummers
live in nice houses
take two week vactaions
while you only can take two days.
The smelly part of the sink
the place you never think about
is waiting even now
to spring a smelly leak...
get your self some drano
go out and get it now
before it's too late
and the slime
that lives there
just plotting and waiting
for it's chance to escape..
ohhh by the way
any body out there
got the name of a good plummer
the pipes in my sink
are leaking.....
again.....
-------
"Your more beautiful than a cup full of bolts"
Bob's little bitty jeans
jumping up and down
singing
all excited
going on a field trip
"Your more handsome than horse in it's prime"
Mables jeans
doing the rumba
dancing like Carmin Maranda
Primping the Big Egg
getting it ready
for a big visit
it's so hard living in an all girl world sometimes
"your lips are so plump!"
Bob's jeans are impatient now
wanting to go now
The Big Egg is waiting
hey this is better than going to the mall
"your eyes are like the maple syrup I had on my pancakes this morning"
Pant, pant
more dancing
among Mables jeans
........
(I know their called hormones, no, I haven't lost touch with reality,
what makes you think that?
Your always looking over my shoulder as I write my romatic stuff.
Go have some coffee or something and let Bob and Mable have their romantic encounter, their genes have been waiting all their lives to meet,
and yes I'm aware that once Bob's jeans er..hormones get him excited to the point of no return that all kinds of things will happen....
Now just go have some coffee, and let them have their romatic moment ok?
What's that?.....oh Bob, well he works down at the local hardwear store, lives with his mother and is dying to escape from home. He's been in love with Mable for years.
Mable works down at the Greasy Spoon and has a bee-hive hair do that is just plain scarry to look at, and ever since she saw Bob, her panties have been on fire for him.
Now would you just go and get some coffee, your breaking my concentration........thank you.....now where was I?....hmmmmmmm oh yes, Bob and Mable are about to have their long awaited romantic encounter and their little jeans are all so excited)
..........
"your hotter than bacon just off the grill"
come here
Mables jeans
jumping all together
making her hair stick to her head
like flys stuck to fly paper
She's so beautiful to Bob
her hair spray
so intoxicating
He's so handsome to Mable
the over powering smell of Aqua Velva is driving her mad
Magic is in the air
you can smell it 8 feet away
Bob and Mable
finally consumating their burning passion
.........
(Are you back again? Your inturpting Bob and Mable. Don't look, they have no clothes on, and yes I know that the cops could show up at any moment, and arrest them both for indecent exposere,....don't you have any romance in you any more? Don't you remember what we used to be like when we were teenagers? About a thousand years ago?
Oh yes I forgot, you left your romance in the closet along with thoes old shoes you love so much.....go have somemore coffee....I need romance and this is about as close as I'm gonna get these days....now where was I?
Ohhhhhhhh yes,)
..............
(now I lost the moment.....Bob and Mayble will have to wait.....seems watching them has made me miss what we used to have.....about a thousand years ago.
I know I got wrinkly, but so did you....I still feel like a kid inside,
wish you did too.....)

-------

The tale of Bob and Mable's jeans....part two
(This is for that person who keeps yelling at me to give them closure, because they've been sitting on the edge of their seat wondering what happened to Bob and Mable. Cliff hangers are so much fun.....
Let me see...where was I? Ohhhhh yes, Bob and Mable, about to consumate
their long awaited passion....are you comfortable?
Have your coffee in hand? Ok.
Now just sit back and listen as I do my best to give you a conclusion to this wonderful romantic tail (yes that was intentional)
"Oh Mable!!!!"
Bob's jeans
running rampent
on the loose
crowding
filling the dark tighenting tunnel
no turning back
"Bob, take me now!!!!"
Mable is out of control
her jeans
calling to Bob
the ancient siern's song
heard by a thousand lovers before
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MABLE!!!!!!!!
Bob's jeans
little race horses now
each tring to win
that once in a life time race.
"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
Mable's jeans
quite mad now
drunk with excitment
all thoes fantasies
finally fulfilled
The dance begins
the hot mix of his and hers
swirling around
with in the dark chambers
of Mable's secret garden
The mix of outward sents
filling the air
Just as the explosion was at it's Zenith, they were startled from their raptous state by Bill, the cop, who saw Bob's 1953 Plymouth shaking in a violent rythem.
His knocking at the window makes Bob jump, and Mable too.
Franticly they try to scramble to cover themselves.
Terrified, Bob unrolls the window.....
"What cha all doing there Bob?"
Bob's jeans
still going a million miles and hour
as his heart is pounding
sweat dripping off his face
Mable's jeans
lost in erotic paradise
dancing the tango
grabbing Bob's jeans
at will.
"....ummmmmmm, uhhhhhh, ohhh hi Bill"
Bob's face
bright red
the frantic moment of passion
doused with the cold water
of getting caught
Mable's face
hidden behind Bob
as best as she can.
"You two should really try and find a motel. Less chance of intruption."
The warm knowing smile on Bill's face calms Bob and Mable.
"Next time we will"
Bob's voice relaxing again
his heart calming down
rolling up the window
Mable breathing easier
her heart calming down
Feeling like teenagers
getting caught
Looking at each other
bursting into laughter.
Love is in the air.
"You are so beautiful"
Bob looking into her eyes
she is so beautiful to him
the mix of hair spray
and her perfume
makes her that much more so to him
"You are more handsome than a half a side of beef"
He is the perfect man
as far as Mable is concerned......
Two years later, much to Bob's mothers protests, Bob and Mable tie the knot.
20 years later, they are still as much in love as they were when they first consumated their burning passion.....
5 years later, late one night Bob passed away in the arms of his beloved Mable, cancer took him from her.....
Mables jeans
tired
still fragrent with Bob's memory
he was the only man
who could make her jeans
do the tango
all night long
and still want more.....
She misses him
She loves him
Still with all her heart.....
6 months after Bob died, Mable went to sleep,
it was the anniversary
of that very special night
so long ago
when Bob and Mable's jeans
first danced.