Reading Aynjell's journal

All the time I'm making freinds and losing them as fast as I make them. I get the feeling I'm just plain annoying, but for some reason, I don't see what I'm doing wrong. I try tobe myself, but that usually doesn't work out...

I'm weird as all get out I tell ya'. And that get's in the way whole lot...

I should be ashamed of myself.

No, your not annoying...your part of a very unique group of people. A tribe, if you will.

Only problem is, that the tribe is scattered...all over the place.

It's unfortunate too, because when you do finally get to meet others of your tribe, you realize that there are indeed people out there who are just like you.
And you also realize that most of the tribe are feeling the same way as you do about the part of the world they inhabbit.

Most of us wander, often feel like we are best suited to the permeter of normal society, as most people don't have a clue to our view of the world.

After a while you stop hurting when people leave. You accept that they are only there on a temporary basis.

I speak from the deepest experience. I have met very few of my tribe. We are a scattered people.

I thought for years that I was the only person in the whole world who was like me, with everything that makes me who I am.
I was the weirdo. The person that people didn't want to be around, unless they were in need or wanted something that had to do with certian gifts that have been given to me.
Other than that, there were very few occasions where people stayed.

Then about 2 years ago I got the chance to meet another of my people. Only his gifts were far more developed than mine. And he was dying.
He was in the fourth stage of cancer.

Finally, I had met someone who showed me I was not some oddity or some strange annoyance that people only briefly spent time with.

Then I got a chance to meet another of my tribe a few months later.
This person was and is also very gifted in the same way as I have been.
At first it was a hard clashing. It's better now. He is family.

Then there is of course rosy...I believe she is of the same tribe I am.

that's only three I've met so far. I hope I my road in life will take me places where more of us dwell.

When I'm with my people, I am home. The rest of the time, I have learned to assimilate to a comfortable liveable place.

So, no you are not annoying. I hope that helps.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

This post was edited by harold_maude on Dec 02, 2004.

I think I know what you are talking about...

I am in foster care, and as such subject to being moved to a new home at any time the state deems necessary. Well, at one point, I was in an abusive foster home, she deprived me, and refused me moral and ethical wellbeing, I a normally 220 lb person left her home at 170 lbs. At the very least, I can say it was unhealthy.

Anyway, I fought and fought to be removed from there, and finally they put me in the first home I had ever been in. Everyone there seemed to be a part of this tribe you speak of. The single parent, a warm hearted lady, seemed to understand me, and loved my crude humour and geekiness. It was the first person I actually felt loved me in the longest of times.

When they took from that home, I was wroth, and I cried. They were my tribe. It was a family I made for myself. She nurtured me, and understood me. She is respnsible for quite possibly the most life changing even that ever occured for me. She helped me buy my computer, of which I bear an extreme level of pride in. Nebraska Furniture Mart, the local temple of household goods, was hosting a sale on laptops; one of which was the model I desired. Alas, I was 150 dollars short so she helped me buy it...

Anyway, the point is, I know what you're talking about. She was the same kind of wierdo as I was. I just wish I could find more of those people...

I should be ashamed of myself.

Knowing there are others of your tribe will cause you to become a searcher.

The basic need deep inside is to find home. Home being that place or people that complete the first step in the question, who am I and what is my purpose.

In your travels you will meet many people, and not all of them will have any idea when you talk about things that make you who you are. Many of them will leave. But some will stay, intrigued by something.

You are lucky to have found one of your tribe so early. I was 44 before I met the first person of my tribe.
That's a long time.

Don't give up. They are out there, and searching as well. That's the good news. And the other is now you know you are not alone.

Do you still keep in touch with her?

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

Well, sort of. I'm a bit lazy...

I don't have a phone I can always use with long distance so the calls are few and far between...

I should be ashamed of myself.

It's really interesting to see that you are never alone with your problems. I've been working on various projects over the internet together with many amazing people. Especially while playing Planetarion (a web-based game) I learned to know people from all over the world, which was the first time I experienced the full power of the internet. I tried to stay in contact with a lot of them, but now I only have contact to one of them - even my memories of this time faded away. It is annoying.

What I wanted too point out is that it is really hard to keep in touch with all those, even if they meant something to yourself. I often asked myself the same question you've been asking. It seems that friendship is often a far more dynamic system than it seems to be and that's what can shock oneself. But it seems to me that if both parties try their best not to lose sight of each other, friendships last at least longer, if not forever. It often has nothing to do with one being annoying, it is just that some people disappear.

I feel like I wrote again around the central point.
Whatever happens, I try to also keep im mind, what harold_maude replied to your post - it seems like a valuable information (thanks!) :)

And to add on a personal note: I've not had the experience that you are annoying.

I spent almost half an hour on finding a cool signature!

Yes, you know what, you are very very very annoying, i just can't stand you!!!!!!!!!! I'm just kidding. Ur not annoying at all. And i can tell ya i've been in ur situation. And also i can tell ya that i always think people think i'm annoying all the time, but when really they don't at all. It's just ur mindset. It happens to a lot of people. We think we're annoying, but really we aren't, and maybe if you lose those friends you used to have, it was supposed to happen. I'm just thinking, cuz you're really nice (most of the time....Just jokes), and i wouldn't want to lose you as a friend cuz you are a good one. That's all i really have to say but yeah, you aren't annoying to me. Maybe there was just this thing going around and they caught it and then they just thought everyone was annoying.......Just brainstorming......Dont' mind me.......Later....

i may be wrong, and i may be right....no-one knows....

Want the Truth? Thought not! :)
Actually, unless any of us know you in person, there's no bloody way we could tell whether or not you're annoying in the real world. I'm assuming that you mean to those around you in, say, school. Or the neighborhood.

Without knowing you, I'll say yes, you'd annoy me, in real life. On-line you annoy me, but it's nothing you intentionally do. I love it when we chat, but son-uv-a-bitch if it doesn't happen when I'm in a hurry, or don't have time to talk the way I'd like. So this is nothing that you do, and it has nothing to do with you (per se), it just happens that way. The benefit I get out of chatting with you outweighs my frustration that things can't always go MY way. And when I'm o0n-line these days, I'm usually in a hurry.

But more to the point, is there something you do that makes you particularly annoying, you might also ask. I'm not sure if things add up here. A friend, in my opinion, is someone that I might ask if, indeed, I'm doing something to annoy people. I'm sure you actually have at least one good friend you might ask that question. If you don't have at least one friend, then I think that your problem is worse that being annoying.

I may be wrong, but I don't think that's the case. I think that perhaps you're meaning something else. We all have friends-of-friends. Could these be the aforementioned "friends," which ebb and flow like the ocean waves? Would these be associates, or acquaintences outside your usual (assumedly close) friends? Obviously I'm going in one direction.....who cares what they think.

You're bound to annoy or distance, or anger those around you. That's what life is about, rattling each others' cages, and bumping elbows to chest, and the like. But if your yourself, and comfortable with who you are, that shit doesn't matter. And anyway, who cares if you're annoying?

Now, asked if I can do that, and think that way, I have to say I'm learning.

I'll bet that just took 5 years off my life--but GODDAMM if it wasn't worth every second