Reading harold_maude's journal

It seems that I have a preferance for keeping certian things in my life out of public eye when I am present.

Today at work I spent two hours being very vunrable in an area of my life that up until a month ago, I had no intention of publicly displaying.
I did what I did so that the corporation would have the idea that I'm working to fill empty spaces that they require filled.
I wish I haddn't.
I felt like a performer on a stage with no hiding place.

It felt like this part of me which is very personal was laid out there and the people passing by were some how disgusted by it. Or found it to be somthing they didn't want.

I realized that it had no value to anyone but me. I felt exposed in a way that no person wants to be exposed in.

It almost felt like I was laying part of me out there to be trampled on.

I was so glad when the day was done, and now my hope is that no one will want to take the classes I've signed up for over the next month. I don't want to put this part of me out there again.
It dosen't mean anything to anyone but me.

It's a huge part of my private world. The one I retreat into when everything around me feels like it's in the toilet, and there is no one to help me out.
In a huge way I feel like I dishonored myself.

That was how the day ended.
How it started was an encounter with one of my managers disgussing different things related to the corporation and a very distinct feeling that I've just been handed more pressure, and that sucks because I already feel like no matter how hard I try it isn't doing any good.
No matter what I do, it's all too little.
Too much lack for too long.

How do you change things when what your facing is a long time of a failed experiment?
I keep thinking I need to find someone who can do this job better than me.
Someone who has the fire and the in depth know how to turn things around and make it go in the right direction.
I can't shake the feeling that they picked the wrong person for the job.
At the same time I know that no one wants the job I have.
That in this area where there is an undertone of apathy the reason no one wants this job is because it's hard to convince people that don't care that what you have to offer them is worth while.

I keep thinking that I'll stay until after the first of the year and then hope they find someone to fill this possition who really can do everything that the corporation expects of them and do it with a smile.

I'm an artist, not a business monger. I don't love money, and I have a hard time with thinking about money, money money all the time.
Everything of value to this company has to do with money. Nothing more.

I know that. It's simply business. But it sucks.
I was told by someone who had the job I do a while ago that there was lots of freedom with this job.
But I can't see it. All I see is that I'm a monkey doing the monkey song and dance.
And for what?
So the corporation will get richer off my labor.

I wish I could win the lottery, then it would matter if I did a great job or not. Not that it matters now, but the difference would be that if they got rid of me I wouldn't have to deal with the stupid routine of doing the monkey dance for some new employer who doesn't care about anything but my performance and how much money it will make them.

So here's to the lack there of, may it never distroy thoes of us who live two paychecks away from homelessness.
May it never crush our spirit and cause us to give up and lay down and die.
No job, no business, no corporation is worth laying down who you are and giving your life away to make some corporate mucky muck richer.

...I am so glad that this day is over.
So glad.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.