Reading RICANPUNKBABE's journal

How do I begin??? Well, I should probably start by saying that for some reason, I was really sad yesterday. The bad kind of sad, I should explain what I mean by that. To me, there's two kinds of sad, the one that allows you to cry until you have no tears left and the kind that doesn't let you cry and get it all out. I was feeling the previous one...

I do not know why, I hadn't felt so sad in a long time and I was so happy that I hadn't been crying as much, then yesterday, it came again. I wrote all my feelings on my "journal/diary" to see if it would help, but it didn't.

I was crying and crying and for some reason, everytime I cry and get sad, I think of Joel. Joel is a guy that I met at a church I used to go with Danielle (my best friend). At first, I thought I was in love with him, I thought about him all the time and I could never get him out of my head and stop thinking about him. He had told me he was bipolar and that he was constantly depressed. I guess this is why I started to become so close to him, he understood how I felt most of the time. We started talking alot, he liked me, I liked him. Then as time went by, he started to annoy me... really bad. I do not know why the way I felt changed but it did. Now that I look back, I think the reason was that he was going too fast in the "relationship" even though I do not considered it one.

I talked to him about how I felt and told him I just wanted to be friends. He seemed to understand so that's exactly what we became, friends. Everything was going fine then he told me he was leaving to Kentucky. I was kind of sad but I was okay... at least I thought I was.

When he left, as time went by, I found myself thinking of him alot, I missed him like crazy and it made me so sad that he wasn't with me, even though we were just friends. I couldn't understand why I missed him so much...

Then he came back, for a while and I saw him and it was almost like, "Oh, I don't miss him as much as I thought I did." We talked again, as friends, then he left again... Again, I found myself missing him alot!

Now he's here again, close to where I live. I saw him about two months ago and everything was normal, we were still friends, nothing more. To get to my point, when he's far away,I miss him sooo much and I get so sad because he's not with me. Then when he IS with me, he annoys the crap out of me, and it's just different, my feelings change. I don't understand why. Why do I only feel like I love him when he's away? That is so crazy and it drives me nuts becuase it's just so selfish of me.

So yesterday, while I was crying, I thought of this... about how much I wished he was with me but then I remembered how I get when I am with him... I don't understand why this is... I thought of calling him, of talking to him and having him come to my house and make me feel better but then I thought how bad of an idea it was, because if he did come, I'd regret it.

I still miss him, but I dont' know if I should talk to him and tell him I'd like to see him because the way I feel when he's away and how I feel when he is close, is different. Why is this??? I'm so mad at myself for not understanding my own feelings! I don't know what is up with him, he's the only person that has ever made me feel like this and I just don't know if I should just forget all about him... ;(

So, if anyone actually read this whole pathetic story and has some advice for me, please write it... I am so confused and I just don't know what to do......

Let the best of your past be the worst of your future ***

Girl, it's a love-hate relationship. You want to be with him but you can't, or don't know how, or you want him to leave but can't be without him. I have a friend that is that way. He likes me but he's my other friend's cousin. I love to be with him and i hate the fact that i do. My situation is just the opposite of yours. But you are in a love hate relationship and the best thing that you can do is just to make yourself think of something else or else hammer out exactly why you like the guy. It'll help trust me. I did the same thing and now i have a new friend in the guy i couldn't stand when i was away. If it doesn't work, send me very censored and loving hate mail. ;)

Good friends'll bail you out of jail.Best friends'll be sittin with you sayin;'Damn, we f*cked up'.