Reading harold_maude's journal

In the early morning hours, when the stars are still visible, my day begins.
This morning I turned off the alarm and crawled back to bed.
Not a normal activity when the alarm is involved.

The alarm means that someone is working and so I get up and start the day by doing something completely relaxing.

I was the driver this morning and that means that the day off isn't a day off in so many words, but has work attached to it.

I was dreaming that I had made dinner and everything was ready and people in my dream were upset because the food I was making was late.

I wanted it to be perfect. But no matter what I did, it wasn't, even though it actually was. The people who were going to eat it complained insessently about it.
Everything was done to perfection and because it was a few minuets late it was no longer perfect.

That's what I woke up to as the alarm went off. I was still dreaming when I turned off the alarm, and still dreaming when I got back into bed.

I fought to wake up, and ended up getting up a half hour later than normal. It wasn't a restful time.
In fact it was extreemly uncomfortable.

I've been thinking over the last few days that I seem to be angry underneath all the time now. Everything makes me angry and I don't know why.
I've thought about any possible reasons and there are quite a few that could be the underlaying cause.

But more than anything I realized I don't like to be in a constant state of anger.
So I'm looking for a way to get rid of it.

Tonight won't help, someone is comming over to visit for a while and this person I have no use for.
They drive me nuts, but other people here enjoy the dumb blonde mindset of this person.
That's ment as no offense to any blondes out there.

This person is truely a dumb blonde. They are under the impression that you can see hawaii from california.
They also belive that the word gulible is a made up word, and that it's okay to be a tease all the time.

I could deal with it for a long time, but after awhile it got old and annoying.
I understand this person is just 20 years old and there are some 20 year olds that you meet that you expect a box of pampers to be somewhere in their possession.
But their generally not the type of person I enjoy hanging out with. I don't have anything to talk to them about,
and playing drinking games until you puke is not high on my list of entertaining things to do.

They are generally just a step above the type of people of roughly the same age group who are still doing the same dumb stuff as they were doing when they were first in highschool, like trying to get someone to pretend they are a parent and making a phone call so that they can stay out later than 9:30 pm.

We had a group of that last group show up out here at the farm a few weeks ago. They came with a couple of people that Kevin works with.
A friend of ours was out here when the group got here.
I stayed in the room about three minuets. The friend who was here stayed in the room about 5 minuets, and then decited to leave because these three brain dead people who were of the group I just discribed above were making her angry too.

Then kevin gets this bright idea to ask me if we can open one of the bottles of wine that a friend of ours made, and he's all excited, and I'm thinking " how stupid are you"
I looked at him and said no. These three girls were obviously under age, and brain dead and touble from the word go.

I got more and more pissed off. I came down stairs and sat down to write in my journal to calm down, and I'm getting more and more pissed off and am about to not be in control anymore and fly up the stair and bodily throw these three people out.
They are up stairs being stupid and trying to talk kevin into buying them beer.

These three get into some kind of stupid argument and decide to leave. I'm greatful at this point because I would hate to go to jail for what I'm wanting to do.

I find that kind of anger rising up alot lately, and tonight it may end up that I spend most of the night down here.
I have to find a way to get rid of the anger.

There is something that has occured to me on several occasions that may be ultimately what's going on.
I have this...gift, and I call it a gift, because it's designed to give me insight as to how to help people who are hurting.
They show up when they are in pain, or near death or have lost someone and are grieving.
In the right situations it has allowed me to be a support and a help.

But at the same time, I have to watch myself so as not to take on what other people are feeling. This gift allows me to see things about people, good or bad. Not everything. It's not that extensive. I've met one person with the same gift who it was extreemly devloped in and when we talked they made it very clear that they had to be very careful not to let what other people were going through crawl inside of them.
It clouds the vision and takes the ablity to see clearly away.

A couple of the people I'm very close to, have a lot of anger issues, they go deep.
I think I may have taken on their anger. From both people.
Both of these people are male.
And both of them, I can see below the surface of. I see deep wells of frustration in, and no way out.

One of them, the anger is so deep that it scares them. And rightly so.
If not delt with in a safe manner, the people they are angry at would end up in the hospitial or worse.
But they don't know how to deal with it in a safe manner.
And they won't listen to me.

The other person's anger has old roots too, and because of that they live in a world of cinisim and frustraion.
This person knows some of what they need to do, but because of circumstances they are unable to do what they need to do.

I think I have allowed their anger to seep inside me. And it's been going on for quite awhile now, and I don't know how to plug up the holes where it's getting in.

When it hits areas that are in process of healing in me, ones that at one point were filled with rage, they trigger old ghosts of mine.
For a long time in my life I lived in a state of repressed rage.
This rage would surface now and again, and when I was aware of what was going on, I wasn't a pleasant person to be around.

I remember one particular incident in highschool that scared both me and this girl who was the cause of the trouble.
She was my locker partner.
I bought the lock and she lost her key. Insead of comming and finding me so that I could open the lock, she had the janitor saw the lock off.
I found out. I hunted her down. I found her in one of the class rooms that was on the second floor of one of the buildings.
I picked her up by her shirt, slammed her against the wall and got in her face and told her if the lock wasn't replaced by morning she would go out the window head first.
I wasn't kidding, and because I tend to keep my word, even back then, she knew I would do it.
I remember her shaking and the terror in her eyes.
In the morning there was a new lock. She came and found me and with many appoligies she gave me the other key.
After that she stayed out of my way.

After many years of dealing with many types of coping mechinisms that allowed me to function, I got rid of my rage. I couldn't live with it anymore.
It was so violent that I remember wanting to take this girl that I hated and tie a rope around her neck and then go for a drive on the freeway for a while, at least until she was in seveal parts.

It was shortly after comming to terms with that understanding that I was truely capable of that kind of hate, that I made the decision that the anger had to die.
I couldn't live with it anymore. It was killing me inside.

I spent a night wrestling and praying and crying and dealing with the want for the rage to die.
The next morning, I felt different. Lighter, and more importantly free.

That was almost two years ago. Now this. There are things about my job that frustrate me, and make me mad.
But that's work, and at the end of the day I can walk away from thoes things, and I've made it a point to take on the mindset that when I'm not at work, I'm not at work.
I've thought long and hard about the things that are work related that have that effect on me, and there is nothing that makes any sign of rage rise up.

But what's been happening lately is that I feel this ugly anger rising up and it feels forigen, like it's not related to me even though it takes hold of me and makes me want to do the same kind of damage that I was capable of doing before.
I have to figure out a way of seperating myself from it so that I can be ok, and that I don't end up hurting anyone.

Funny thing, if I did end up being consumed by it now, I would end up hurting myself, to protect thoes people who are closest to me.
Anyway, that's about all for the moment....hopefully I can figure this thing out and soon.
I'm in pain because of it, and I don't like being in this kind of pain. It sucks.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.