Reading harold_maude's journal

Last night we watched "Donnie Darko". It's a unique movie to say the least and has raised again thoughts of time travel in my mind.

This coensides with the purchase of the second volume of the ancient secret of the flower of life which I bought yesterday.
I put the two things in the same arena of consideration for one reason, and that is that there are questions that seem to lead to other questions in my mind.

Time is fluid. The golen mean spiral moves forward and backwards at the same time.
Memory is retained at the cellular level and if something was suppose to occur according to cosmic plans than would it be possible to change it, re-wind events and make them what they were suppose to be?

My curiousity about the mysteries of the universe and the mind have been something that has been an on and off process for me for a very long time. And there are times when I feel a great sadness in my bones at the limitations of my phsical existance.
Not to mention a great deal of grief at the understanding that most people I cannot talk to about the things that lay deep in my thoughts.
It's almost as if I was born at the wrong time in history.
There are times when I would rather stay asleep for the rest of this bodies existance and live there.

My art, mostly abstract in nature, although there are familar objects often that show up in the work, would seem to be a reflection of somewhere else.

I wonder sometimes if I'm not just a little mad. If there is really such a thing as being mad. Maybe I slipped out of the stream I was in at the wrong time and then when it was done there was no way to reverse it and so I got stuck here at this time in history.

When I think about how strongly I feel people's emotions and how I can see pictures at times of what a person's soul looks like, the condition of it, and the times when I start talking to someone and things will come out of my mouth that make them get this look on their face like I'm exposing the deepest part of them and it scares them....maybe I got caught in some kind of spacial shift and ended up in this time with a view of the world that isn't suppose to happen.
Maybe not....
I don't know.

I don't understand how a person can go through most of their lives feeling like they are standing outside a big house with a view of inside and it's raining outside and no amount of pounding or screaming will get anyone's attention to open the door.
But that's been where I've existed for most of my life.
Sometimes I go through days in sort of a double vision existance.
Like I'm walking around in a shell. I can move inside the shell turn around in it while at the same time moving in a straight line.
Like I've detached from my physical structure.
Everything seems, on thoes days like a surreal world. Some colors are more vivid than others and things that people do seem almost cartoonish.

Maybe it's just how people like me, I'm sure there are other people in the world like me, view and live out their lives in the world.

If I could take off this skin
like a coat worn in winter
and feel whole
touch my real skin
and see my face
maybe then it would make sense
and I would feel whole.

If I could grab the strings
of dreams
and hold them close
maybe it would feel real
instead of just echos
I don't know...

I have no answers. Only more unanswerable questions.
Maybe I'll spend the rest of my life wandering. Looking for more of my tribe.
Someone that when I look in their eyes I'll know that they have walked through life just like me and nothing will have to be said because the understanding will be there.
A mirror inside someone else. Maybe then I will get to see what I look like underneath and be able to change what needs to be changed.

When your the one who takes care of things, who takes care of you when you are falling apart or sick?
The answer to that one I know, and the answer is:
No one.

You have to be your own caregiver. Your own comfort. You have to learn how to make it ok enough for yourself so you can sleep in peace and really rest.

More questions. Why am I destined to go through this life being there for other people and alone when I am in need?
I have no answer for that question.
Only a feeling like I'm in the wrong time in history.

Why do I understand so clearly and accept that it is my path in life to be walking in this frame work and over and over thoes in need in a way that have caused others to abandon them show up in my life confirms this?
I have no answer to that question.
I just know that is what is.

It doesn't bother me most of the time that I have to take care of things. It doesn't bother me most of the time. It's hard when it does bother me though, because it tears me apart then way down inside.
And the old ghosts come back to haunt me that make me feel like the only reason people want to be around me is for what I can do for them.
Sometimes thoes ghosts tell me that to the majority of the world I'm a disgusting object. And that it's only the gifts that have been given to me that give me any value.
When it gets so strong to the point of wanting to check out I have to push through until the want passes.

To be honest, most of the time it feels like I've spent most of my life walking around in a rain shrouded valley that occasionally gets moments of sunlight.
Maybe it's what and were all artists have lived. Maybe that's what defines an artist's world according to the universal ideal.
I don't know.

I don't have any answers. Just thoughts.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.