Reading rosyxxx's journal

Sweet dreams... of sugarplums and spices... kittens...whiskers.... How do you solve a problem like "Maria" or like me to be more exact. And what would I do if I wanted to be an online stalker? Would I log on as my poet friend, and use the evil penguin avatar? Would I post a simple poem from his repertoire? (which by the way, wasn't me, it was him wanting to log on in moral support of me... just by being there, and he needed an address, and I could provide that because my AOL account gives me the option to have other account names) Or, would I log on as several other people, and talk about myself, as if I weren't myself, and try to draw myself out of hiding?

Would I talk about myself in the words of frmguess or Hardballkid, or any of the other bazillion profiles that none of you are paying attention to? NO. Would I talk about how my life is shit, I have no money, I am a stripper, and I am struggling to be a writer, because it is what I LOVE, and it may not ever make me much money, but stripping allows me to do it? Would I make jabs at myself about how, I would NEVER be a stripper, even it WAS that bad... as hells_angel has done? Would I have logged on as Trouble247, and others to support the person trying to move up in the ratings so they could READ every single one of my restricted access journal entry posts?

Except that isn't what I have done... I have been me, from the start. I have a poet friend, who during all of this mess that I have been enduring lately, asked if he could get online here and write as well. I didn't want to get paranoid about all of this mess, anymore than I already was... so I said yes. He now has an account under my AOL account.

Besides his account, which is his, and not mine, I have two new accounts under AOL, besides my parent account: moonflowerdog@aol.com... they are as follows: stupidtulip@aol.com, and oublietteofroses@aol.com. They were created as an attempt on my part to have a secure method of communicating with you people here on the NAO, as well as any other friends who might want to help me with my current online and offline stalker situation.

But now, all of them:
pinksquirrelpoop@yahoo.com
moonflowerdog@aol.com
stupidtulip@aol.com
oublietteofroses@aol.com

...are totally worthless as secure ways of communication.

Allow me to explain. It has to do with my stalker, who by the way is not, and never was my lover. If someone is on here posing as a former loved one of mine... he is an imposter. He is the same person who logged on as me: heathermariebeebe, and so many, many other people on here... so many I don't know who they are... and if you were me, you'd probably get a little paranoid too. And some of his addresses have the same ISP and IP addresses, and some don't. Kids, I am learning fast. It isn't that hard to create an identity from a remote location and pretend that you are from, oh say, anywhere?

This kind of stuff doesn't just happen in the movies, it is happening to me. It IS happening. People. Wake up. Open_your_eyes... like the URL in an erroneous threatening e-mail sent to my pinksquirrelpoop@yahoo.com address said.

You want to ask me in private how this online/offline stalking thing got started? Sure, I'll tell you... I have nothing to hide. But I can't use names here, I already made that mistake once out of carelessness... and not out of trying to destroy anyone.

But someone in particular seems to be all about destroying me.

Could it be that you all believe any rumors potentially started that I was in love with this person, and want him back?

He isn't my lover, and hasn't been since 1999, when I left... and it was very hard to get away. In fact, I suspect that these issues I have had with Manic-Depression only got compounded intensely by his antics. As I said, I am Bipolar/Manic-Depressive, and a stripper, whose life is going nowhere currently, but hopefully not forever, who has absolutely no intention of killing herself whatsoever, no matter how much people try to plant that idea in her head; and who is being stalked. Do you hear me NAO? I AM BEING STALKED. I apparently have been being passively stalked since 1999. And I didn't know that I was... my stalker has been extracting information about me from people here in St. Louis, Missouri that I thought were my friends.

And now, he has found me here online. And if I explain how that happened in writing, I could be playing right into his hands. How can none of you see this? Were you just so caught up in the intrigue, if you even knew about it, that you missed this fact?

I CAN'T come right out and say exactly what I mean, because then I would be actively slandering someone, and since I have absolutely no real proof that he is doing this to me... I am helpless. Helpless like a butterfly struggling out of it's new cocoon.

Do you know, people of NAO, that if you touch a butterfly's wings as it is emerging from the cocoon, it will not be able to fly? Is that why you all remain silent, and passively complicit in my stalkers attempts to ruin me? Do you actually think you are helping me by not helping? I need everyone's help here very much. I thought I had good friends here. I thought I had friends here that I could trust. I thought I had friends here who would help me... but they seem to have all disappeared.

I don't care if you rate me, I don't care if you rate me into oblivion. But help me, help me, help me... Oh God, please help me... fight this stalker from destroying my attempts to have my written voice heard here on the NAO. You want to help a 'stripper' succeed. Then help. I told him I was sorry for what I had done out of carelessness, and now my stalker has no mercy, no remorse, no kindness, no pity. And neither do his cohorts.

You see 'poetryrosy' laid bare, open, her faults spread bare for all to see. Ask me anything I shall tell you. You want to know how I got arrested for shoplifting in 2000, a year after leaving this man... when I had never shoplifted before? You want to know how I tried to commit suicide by driving over a fucking cliff when I was sixteen? How my intuition told me that my mother would hang herself when the cancer came back, and I hid in fear. And this demon who is stalking me, told me that my mother was in Hell for committing suicide, and that I should follow her because I was weak, I was victim.

If you hate me, and have hated watching my writing rise up the ranks of the NAO, then please snap out of it, and realize that I am helpless and powerless against this person. I cannot defend myself the way that I have in the past.

This smear campaign of his, I played right into it, by warning people of who he might be online. I am guilty, if anything, of being careless, and cocky at times. But I am a good person at heart, and I don't deserve to be treated this way. How can any of you stand by and watch this happening from the sidelines? Can you live with yourselves when I have finally lost my voice on the NAO? Do you not see how much this place means to me? That right now, it is one of the only good things that I have in my life? That it was supposed to be a stepping stone for me on the path to greater things? And now my hopes seem all dashed... and yes, I can move on to publishing my writing elsewhere... but why have you abandoned me? Why do you all seem to believe the lies and think that I am lying?

Are you not my friends? Will you not help me? My stalker wants me to either leave this place, or he wants me to give up, quit, and take my own life. I won't kill myself over this. I won't quit trying to succeed at life, but I'd like to not have to leave the NAO, and he wants me to either do that actively, or, if I won't leave, he will try to destroy my reputation to the point, that I will be asked to leave, because it would be the easy thing to do to get him to leave.

But this site wasn't set up to let people be bullied out of writing like that, was it? So help me. Please. I am begging all of you. Help me by making your voices heard. Help me actively, not passively.

Yes, I could move on to writing in other ways... but do you want me to go, knowing that I was forced out by someone trying to destroy me?

As I said, I don't love my stalker. But I do love someone else very much. My Stalker is one person. My Lover is another. They are two seperate people. The person I do love, cares deeply for me, but is wierded out by my mood swings. He is also in love with someone else, who has left him and moved away. He can't make up his mind. I am not fighting over him. I am waiting for him to make up his mind. He, my lover, and I don't have problems relating to each other at all, these days.

But,I have a lot of problems relating to my stalker. I don't appreciate having him do what he is doing. And I can't really call him on any of this, because then I would be slandering and defaming again, wouldn't I? When I have no real proof. But you all can providethat proof.

So, I ask you all, how do I not talk cryptically? How?

And I thought I was getting help from certain someones on here, but I guess not. I could just be jumping the gun on that, I don't know. But how would I know, I have neither had nor received communication on this subject from anyone online here who was helping me.

And now, I have gone to check up on the erroneous purchase of the domain name: heathermariebeebe.com, and it isn't just "googling" up like it did last month when it was purchased by someone other than me... it is coming up on my screen as a big, black screen with absolutely nothing on it, that says, as its title: Cleansing. I'd put a link up to it, but, hey, when I went downstairs and had someone else pull up the same internet address, they got nothing. Nothing.

So I had them come up here to my apartment, and look at it for themselves, and then I had my father drop what he was in the middle of (namely, going to visit people in the hospital), and come up here and look at it. He and the other witness saw the same thing I did. And null, if you were actually on here, helping me fix my computer, you'd have seen it too. But you aren't, and there is no one helping me, and this person, who is really on my last nerve who is doing this to me, is getting exactly what he wants...

You don't want to get involved? Fine. Don't help me. Eventually the police will... somebody will listen. And I will give up smoking pot, and tell them everything they want to know about me to get that to happen. Everything.

Hell, my stalker already has my social security number and all my personal information. This comes under the subject of 'identity theft', and should be prosecuted as such. But the odds are, that none of you will believe me. You won't believe that my computer has been hacked in the craftiest way possible, nor that there could be several versions of my stalker here on the NAO, and elsewhere... and that they aren't me.

You all probably won't believe that I tried very hard to ignore this all, but I couldn't ignore my intuition that he meant to plant false ideas in people's minds, and I scrambled to warn people about him to protect myself.

You probably won't believe that I DID NOT purchase my own domain name... that someone purchased it without my permission, called my private cell phone without permission, and promised various things in return for my apology, that likely never happened... if all of this mess is any indication.

You probably won't believe that my 'domain name': heathermariebeebe.com is registered to a user at:

Domains by Proxy
1511 N. Hayden Rd.
Suite 160
PMB353
Scottsdale, Arizona
85260, USA

under www.godaddy.com, and that the company under which it was registered was designed to protect people like me from the very things that are happening to me.

You probably won't believe that this domainname was purchased in early February by someone other than me, and that it now exists as a website only on my computer. It shows up under all of my AOL accounts. It shows up as an empty black screen, like an empty abyss... with the title from the "googlesearch" as: Cleansing.

I ask you all, people of the NAO, what am I being cleansed of? My soul? Certainly not cleansed of anything that is one human's right to cleanse me of...Will you all just stand back and watch?

Will you pretend that even though my father and another friend, who would be happy to vouch for me, have seen this thing, and witnessed what has been happening, including the unwanted phone calls from my stalker... will you pretend that because you cannot see it on your computers that it does not exist? Will you pretend that I have logged on as a bunch of people and created this whole thing myself, when I have most certainly not? Will you pretend that I am so sick that I don't know what end is up?

I have alot of things wrong with me, but one of them isn't MPD. I know who I am. And I am not stalking myself. That is ludicrous.

You all want all my personal information, you want photographs of me? You want verification from a psychiatrist? Well, I can't post photographs because I don't have any way to do that. And as I said, ginsterbusch, I had planned on sending them, but I really, really, really have lost your address for the second time. I have spent 30 min. going through the jumble of papers on my desk, and it isn't there. But I'd send the pictures if I had it again. I would.

I have nothing to hide, not even the videos that were taken of me being sodomized back in 1997-98. Nor the fact that I am stripper. That I am 37. That I have Manic-Depression. That my family helps to take care of me, and that I cannot make it on my own. That I am a fuck-up, and yet a good writer... and all I wanted to do here on the NAO was to have my voice heard. To have people appreciate my writing. And I made the mistake of ranting about the misery I endured from 1996-1999 at the hands of one person, while also talking about my love for another person. And those two seperate people are different people. They are seperate people. I am not in love with my stalker. Are you kidding? What other way to say: They are not the same... is there?

Believe what you want, but do me a favor, remember me as I was... not as this person has painted me out to be. I am sorry for inadvertently hurting him. I said that I was sorry. But he reads my poems, and does not see that I speak for all people like us who have been hurt. I had finally found a place in my heart to forgive him, and then when I realized that I had hurt him, I had to work to understand what I had done wrong. Now, I do understand, but he won't leave me alone. It's like some sick game of an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. He, however, is the real one who has crossed the line.

This is harassment from him. It is stalking. It is, for that matter, what is called interstate stalking because it extends across the internet landscape. But the police and the FBI say they can do nothing, because there have been no active death threats made. None.

That wouldn't be his style. His style would be to try drive me crazy like this, hoping I would commit suicide and save him the trouble. His style would be to try to get me to communicate directly with him again, and if not... then to try his damndest to silence my voice here.

I won't e-mail him, I won't visit his site, I won't come back into the fold... and so he comes here, looking for me, tormenting me for something I did that was nothing but out of pain and carelessness. But his harassment of me is cold, calculated, ruthless, unending.

Will you all stay silent because you don't want to be involved?

Why do you guys think I haven't been my usual self, lambasting this person for being such a sicko? Because he is one... that's why. He isn't like any other nemesis, who can eventually become your friend. I don't want to EVER, EVER, EVER know him again... I am so sorry that he ever found me here.

So, hey, none of my addresses are secure... I've spent all of this time trying to find a way to communicate securely with you all... and I have none. My computer is hacked. Things come up on it, that don't exist on anyone else's computer to see, and yet, two witnesses have seen it here on my computer screen with their own eyes.

Any of you want to call me on my unsecure phone line, since you have that number, and ask to speak with my father, and the other witness to this mess... I'm sure they'd be happy to speak with you and confirm this is happening to me, and it isn't my imagination, and it isn't a joke.

My stalker IS much, much, much, much smarter than me...and he was offended deeply that I said on the phone that I was smarter than him, when he called me in February. He is MUCH smarter than me, and he is succeeding at this point, in destroying my reputation here... and the fact that I have warned people about him, seems to be what he intended me to do all of the time, because it would destroy my reputation by wearing people down with my misery, and my fear.

Now I have gone from being afraid, to being angry, to being resigned. You all will be happier here without me.. if I leave, so will he... and he'll make sure that he times it right, so that it looks for all the world as if he and I were the same person, and that this was all some sick game of mine.

But it wasn't. I was just hurting, and I carelessly posted a post with his FULL name in it, more like I was saying the name out loud that I had been afraid to even whisper for so many years.

Someone who is dealing with mental illness is the perfect target for a predator. I am that target. And he is winning, and you all, by your complicity are helping.

And to my stalker: I hate people who tell other people how to live their lives... unless they are telling them not to hurt other people... but when you've made your point you should stop being a bully.

You know the way hyenas bite a lion in the butt? You know how I said I'd rather be bitten by the hyenas moving in for the kill the lion made? Well my stalker has made a kill of me. And you all have moved in, unwittingly, I am sorry to say... and finished the job.

You know, I heard a line in the movie "Be Cool" the other day...one of the thugs says to the receptionist: "you can't get everywhere in life with a cute ass...you better have a personality by the time you are thirty."

Well, I am over thirty, and I still have a cute ass, and it pays my bills, not by prostitution, but by shaking it and my titties in a strip club for cash. But then most of you here know that already. So I guess, I also fit some of the stereotypes of a stripper... and yet, I do have a personality. And, unbenounced to certain people, it is helping me do what I want to do, and to eventually get out of the stripping industry.

And yes, I live in a country that believes in an "individual" personality... not a group one. So, if as some people feel, I should be part of the family, then realize that one cannot have a personality, and be part of the Borgship.

And I don't want to be a Borg. I want to be me, and this person stalking me is trying to stifle that. He wants me to leave, and perhaps that is best. Let him win. I don't have the money to fight this, and no one to reformat my computer, no police who will believe my story, no FBI agents who will do more than listen, because they CAN'T do anymore than that... THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THAT I HAVE. I can prove nothing, thus far...

And as far as protecting myself, well I have lived in a virtual fortress with the garage entry on camera for years, and not moved, because it is the safest place for me to be. That and at my work, because there is so much security there. But there is none here, and someone like him can come on here, and scare me, knowing I will wear everyone's ears blank with asking for help. And they will turn their backs, they will get disgusted. And he will win. And I think he has...so for what it is worth, my dear stalker: YOU HAVE WON. Enjoy the spoils.

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

Who the hell am I? Am I not a stranger? In what way was I supposed to feel more welcome to change your life than a stalker? I'm a kid, living in another country. I just turned 18. But if I can help, I'll do it. That doesn't mean I know how. For what it's worth, I'm sorry I didn't know more or do more, but what...

I like you rosyxxx. From the first thing you wrote. And I like you too, Heather.

I could rate your post. I could give it Excellent, because that's what it is. You're a writer, and it's a brilliant piece. But it's to real to rate. This is a piece of your life, and I am in no way qualified to pass judgement on it. Your writing is so much more than your writing. It's your soul that you've shown here, your soul that you have given. And it's a beautiful thing.

The internet is not reality though. This stalker, everything he does is fake. It's a game, but he's deluded himself into thinking it's real. If he actually got what he wanted, it would be ruined. So he continues to hold you hostage.

I'm the last one to forgive. I think that fucker should burn in hell (I would tell him to go fuck himself, but he probably does that way too much already). If only there really were a quick fix.

Because that's the problem. We have today, the need for a quick fix. Like the Simpsons, each problem must be resolved before the thirty minutes are up. If there's no quick solution, we blame the victim. I'm not picking out Aynjell here. We're all guilty of it in our lives. We all want the miracle cure.

Recently, harold_maude posted about all the people in the world with problems coming to her, and how they drowned her in them, until all she could see was the darkness. And I wrote a tidy response. Basically I said, "Let them care about themselves". I thought it was beauty on my part. I even thought maybe I could really help. I wanted to.

But it wasn't the cure all I envisioned. And though I still believe it, and am glad I wrote it, and I hope she saw it too, I know now it couldn't do everything. Life doesn't wrap itself up in tidy little packages like that. On the net, we can pretend it does, but it's never true.

And what do I know? I'm just another Fool On The Hill.

But let me tell you something. The truth, unedited. When you told me you were a stripper, I was really surprised. I would have guess something totally different, like a magazine columnist or a creative writing teacher. But once I got over the shock, it pleased the hell out of me. It was a whole new paradigm. It was, of course, a lot more complicated than I thought.

And he will win. And I think he has...so for what it is worth, my dear stalker: YOU HAVE WON. Enjoy the spoils.

I could beg you not to leave, tell you not to give up. But that would be simpleton. But I can tell you that he will never win, because his life is the chase, and his prize is the chase. And he can never beat it, because as soon as he does, it's gone.

He's a screwed up man living a screwed up life. Someday he's just going to die. He will never win love, and will never win respect, because these are things that can't be won. And you have those things, rosy. Even if it feels like they are gone, they are still there.

There you have it. A note to you. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't expect to end something in one shot. I do want to start something.

But I can't find no place or nothin', where thrills are cheap, and love is divine

But I can tell you that he will never win, because his life is the chase, and his prize is the chase.

There might be a little more to it with this guy. I think he wants to be known, to be found. Just from doing a little peeking hither and thither, I've seen way too much of this guy to be some sort of clandestine hunter-and-the-hunted mindgame. It's hard to tell, at least for me, if this is that cult-leader-esque need to be noticed, to be remembered, maybe even just to be loathed, or something else. It seems kind of weird, though, that I've seen the inside of this guy's house, seen him, seen his pets, narrowed down where he lives to a rather small area, etc., etc. Guess you just gotta know your source, eh?

Thbbbbt

Reading some of the posts written lately, I have a growing feeling that your stalker is getting even more than he ever wished for - when he first contacted me he just threatened to send his lawyers after NAO if we don't delete all of your posts and kick you out. Now thanks to him we have numerous people writing flames directed at him, lots of users in a state of mistrust and insecurity, and even people getting outright ugly flames for totally unrelated posts just because somebody suspects they might be related to the stalker. Is that what NAO is supposed to be like? Am I the only one who thinks this is counterproductive?

I hate that asshole for what he's doing. I think most of you have similar feelings. But I'm gonna take a technical approach and say -

People, calm the fsck down and take it easy!

When people start flaming and mistrusting each other, all newbies are above all considered potential stalkers instead of potentially interesting contributors, and people spend most of their NAO time writing how much they hate stalkers - isn't that exactly what he wants? To harm (or if possible even destroy) the community?

The best way to keep the community intact is to ignore the stalker as much as possible. He can't physically hurt you. He can't attack NAO. He can't post lots of evil stuff. His lawyers (if he actually has several of them) can't hurt NAO.
One person can't wreak much havoc on NAO. But that person will succeed if enough people go crazy about the whole story.

I've already told this a few persons in private, but now that the cat is out of the bag I can as well state it publicly. The stalker is not as smart or invisible as he thinks he is. He is being watched closely, and so are his drones. We can extract lots of information from all kinds of logfiles and, if necessary, watch and intercept his every step on NAO.

What we can't do is ban him from NAO. We could delete his user accounts, but as long as NAO stays the open system it is, he will be able to sneak back in. And would you really want to turn NAO into the electronic equivalent of Orwell's 1984 or Bush's USA just because of one single idiot who refuses to understand that he's got no business being here?

If you see anything you think is suspicious then please let Jaz or me know, but for NAO's sake people, keep your calm. You won't help rosy much by spreading the stalker's stench all over this place. The best thing you can do is act as if there is no stalker. As long as you apply the usual internet rules (don't give out information that might be used to hurt you unless you really really trust the other person), there's nothing he can do no matter how long he sticks around. Remember, he cannot hurt you on NAO. There are lots of different interesting discussions going on, keep these alive and enjoy them, for that's what this place should be about. Keep chatting with the people you've got to know here. Do whatever you feel like. Just don't let this bright and free place turn into a dark surveillance state.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time.

"*sigh* Some men are really hard to manipulate!" - Orchid