Reading Hardballkid's journal

The following is just the opening to a novel I have been endlessly writing, editing and re-writing for a couple months now. The plot is somewhat deeper then what it reads to be, but of course this is just the beginning. Nothing special- but its not a bad start.

The sky cleared, its deep blue alive with the promise of a new day. The sun, cold yet blinding, rose slowly, spreading its own beauty. The sea, far in the distance, flung salt towards the ground, hoping to conquer yet more territory. Deep grey, and strong, muscles rippling to welcome the dawn. And yet, Spinell could only see the negative of everything he saw.

“Damn sky. There’s no colour in the air.”

He lay motionless in the hammock as he brought his diminishing cigarette to his dry, chapped lips to smoke away more years of his fleeting life. He was told, time and time again, from medical doctors that he had to quit the dirty habit, but Spinell could see no reason to. Yes, he only had about two-thirds of his blackened lungs working, but that made no difference to him. Life was over for him, as he saw it, life was over as soon as it began.

Spinell was 43 and a manic depressant. He grew up in a harsh, alcoholic family setting and ran away from home at the age of 13. He had envisioned a prosperous life for himself with all the glitz and glamour as he saw on TV. But that was some time ago, before, that is, his habitual criminal tendencies.

Now, frankly, he was a nut, a lunatic locked away in Los Angeles’ Insane Asylum. Located overlooking the city, the Asylum, pleasantly named “New Hope,” sat on the top of the hill with a majestic view of the setting sun billowing away as with the time of day.

Along with about a dozen other inmates, Spinell was living each un-inspiring day in a nomadic fashion, one of zero spontaneity and complete routine. And it was routine in which all he had. Arising from his perpetual nightmares, roll call, breakfast, alone time, lunch, alone time, roll call, dinner, and then once again, to bed where nightmares of his past awaited him. It was his alone time he cherished. A time to be solitarily with his possessive thoughts, even if they were mad much of the time.

This was the beginning of the eighth year of “treatment” at New Hope. After those eight years, however, all his progression is only to be seen in his face, which has grown all the more wearisome and has become almost translucent to his inner self, a struggling inner-self.

Now it was ten till six, roll call in a forty minutes and dinner at seven in the mess hall.

Spinell, now on his third cigarette in twenty minutes, was eyeing Dr. Ian Miller, the 5th psychiatrist to head the New Hope asylum in his eight years. Dr. Miller was just like the last four, however, he hated the asylum and the piss-ass crazy men that adorned it. He was an old rigid man of seventy and everyone wonders why he just doesn’t retire. He, like Spinell, can’t stand life and hates just about everyone for no particular reason. Yet, unlike Spinell, he has no reason to.

Now are ye undeceived! Welcome, again, my children, to the communion of your race!

I like it, but I think that for a novel it is progressing way too fast. It reads like the first third of a short story almost. Two pages in, and you've already established character, setting, and background. This much story could be extended over a much larger frame.

Of course, I can't completely judge, since I don't know what happens next. If Spinell is released shortly after, then there's no reason to really flesh out the description of the asylum. It just feels like there's a lot here. For example:

Spinell was 43 and a manic depressant. He grew up in a harsh, alcoholic family setting and ran away from home at the age of 13. He had envisioned a prosperous life for himself with all the glitz and glamour as he saw on TV. But that was some time ago, before, that is, his habitual criminal tendencies.

Each of these sentences reveals huge elements of Spinell's life, but none in any kind of detail. If Spinell is the main character, any of these elements could be fleshed into a whole chapter even.

Anyway, I still like a lot of it. Most people on NAO tend not to pay attention to creative writing posts, but I'd be interested in reading additional pieces of this work.

But I can't find no place or nothin', where thrills are cheap, and love is divine

Thanks a lot Bunk. I totally understand how it is progressing to fast. Detail isnt always my expertise, but I will definetly change a couple of things.

If Spinell is released shortly after

That is one thing, however that will not happen. With the idea/plot I have in mind, about 3/4 of the story will take place in the asylum.

There is a lot in that first page that needs to be spread out. Family history I will go into, but I think I'll scrap if from the first part. I wanna go into more detail actually about the asylum & its surrounding's.

So, thanks again for the input. I'll post more when I have a cleaner piece.

Now are ye undeceived! Welcome, again, my children, to the communion of your race!