Reading Magicdead's journal

Well yes, whenever I have stuff that's really bothering me, I like to write a journal-entry in here, so here it goes.

About a month before christmas, I went to a party with someone I met one a forum, we had a lot of fun and we got good friends in an amazing short time.
We shared quite some moments together, shared thoughts and emotions and there are some parts of our beings that are very similar, although there are also many parts that are different, which made it very interesting.
This friend happened to meet a girl and he started to love her a lot. She got (and still is) one of the most important parts of his live.
And because I like him, and he liked her that much, I wanted to get to know this special person he likes that much a little better. So I spent a lot of time talking and chatting with here, en we had very deep-going and emotional talks, her personality and "soul", if you don't care about me using that terminology, resembled a lot of how I was some years ago.
I could tell her a lot about how she is, what she thinks, what her problems are, just because I had experienced it all, too.
But because of this, she eventually really gut affected to me, and I felt a lot of affection towards her, too.

And one day, she admitted to me that she fell in love with me.

This gave me a great feeling, mixed with a very bad feeling, as I knew that my good friend loved her a lot.
She wanted to split up with him, but she couldn't do it, because she just couldn't handle him being hurt.
So she just didn't talk to him anymore for some days, and as I knew that she needs some time alone, I let her not talk to me, too.
My friend, her boyfriend, was worried a lot, because he didn't know what's going on. He worried about her, that something had happened to her, and he needed to talk to someone about it. That someone was me, because he "knew" I'd understand and help him. But as I promised her to not tell him anything, because she wanted to tell him herself, I couldn't relieve his pain.
So this was a very hard time for me, too, as I tried to help him and was worried about him, but I still knew things I couldn't tell him. After this went on for some while, and she still didn't have the heart to tell it to him, He found out that I knew more than I was telling (and I was relieved by that a lot, too) and I made hime find out whats going on.

So he wrote her an SMS, that he knew everything and stuff, and she went to him to talk with him.

After that, I didn't hear anything from her for 5 days, only my friend told me when she visited him again. Out of this I knew whats going on, but 5 days later, she told me that this thing between her and my friend is love, with butterflies in the stomach and all stuff, but that the thing between her and me was something special, that I was her Soulpartner, that it was more than love, but that a relationship just wouldn't work out.

Bang!

Although I thought that things are like this, hearing it from her was a shock. I felt like being hit at the head. I felt like I couldn't keep up a friendship, because i'd always feel kinda sad, but I knew, too, that she wouldn't just "split up" with me. So I told her that I don't want to see her again and stuff (I know, a very childish reaction, but I was very 'sane' at that moment.) She was very hurt, and my friend, who got everthing of it, didn't want to talk to me anymore, because I had hurt his girlfriend so much.

About two days later, I started to realize how childish my reaction had been, and I felt really bad about it, so I apologized to her.
She accepted my apologies and we started to email each other a lot again, talked everthing out and stuff. She hasn't told him, becaused she wanted to keep it a secret (although I'm not quite sure why she wanted to keep it secret).

Last week, we talked again, and she told me that she want's to split up with him because she was irritated and felt 'digusted' by him.
And just after she told me, she started with stuff like "Ah we should meet again", "oh your so sweeeet and nice", and although she told me that she didn't want a relationship in the near future, it felt to me as if she's trying to "get back" to me again, like she's out for a relationship.

And now I don't know what to to. On the one hand, I still feel a little affected by her, because we had all those deep-going talks and stuff like that, on the other hand, it felt like being a toy to me, a toy that you take out of your cupboard whenever you want to.
And I just don't know what to do, I don't want to finally cease contact with her, but I can't meet her/talk to her either, because it feels wrong, untrue, like "Ah it didn't work out with him, so well, I guess I have to give you a try, and if I find something better I'll split up again". Like lyingm, being dishonest, because she suddenly says all those things like me being sweet again.

well comment on it if you like to, otherwise I'll just wait and watch what my heart has to tell to all of this

cya Magic

"The wise have always said the same things, and fools have always done the opposite"-Schopenhauer