Reading hells_angel's journal

Why is it so damn hard to do what you know you have to? I mean for me I know I have to ask my grandpa or my uncle to co-sign for a student loan, but I don't want to. It's complicated. My mom never went to college, she got pregnant with me when she was 20,(my age now) she had me when she was 21. She sometimes has to ask my grandpa to co-sign for a loan and she hates it. I never asked him or my uncle for anything in my life. I never asked them for money when I was in 9th grade and I wanted to go to Troranto with my English class. I didn't ask them for money when I needed the money to get my glasses. I didn't ask them for money when I graduated from high school. My grandpa actually surprized me and gave me money. My uncle didn't.

I don't know why it's so hard to ask them. Maybe it's because I am afraid that someday they are going to say that I am no better than my mom. My mom took the road less traveled. I hate going to family functions because it always feels like they are judging me unfairly. It's always the same story, I'm not good enough. I was never good enough for any of them. It was too much to ask them to go to my high school graduation. I know it's going to be too much to ask them someday down the road to go to my college graduation.

My life has always been like this. Up and down like a roller-coaster that is going to fast and you find yourself screaming for it to stop. I know deep down inside that I am the next generation of white trash and I don't want that.

You would think that I could talk to my mom about this or even my friends but I can't. I don't want them to know that hey I feel like white trash and that I am nothing but white trash and you know what everyone in high school knew it. And I think that my friends in college knew it too. If they didn't know it they noticed and maybe they were being nice to me in pretending not to notice. I couldn't afford to get the stuff I needed. I needed clothes and whatever money I tried to save always went into laundry, shampoo, stuff that ran out before I knew it.

It's kind of funny cuz my mom tells me to write my uncle and tell him everything that's going on and everything that I am feeling but I knew if I printed this out and I mailed it to him he wouldn't care. He lives in Florida, he has a job, he is president of his company and I am just some pee-on relative to him. My bad a pee-on relative who is a dreamer and wants to make the world and her world a better place to be.

Take your time don't live to fast troubles will come and they will pass