Reading Magnifico's journal

Healing came slow, and she was there every step of the way. I hate that, though. Was. After more than a year of dating a girl who I gave all of myself to, it's over.

Thinking about it is like a knife in the chest.

There's nothing left here but the darkness, the weak, deep-chested sobbing, the merciless onslaught of memory.

"Of course I understand." (Why? Why here, why now?)

"I'm ok with this. I guess it just makes sense." (A lie. Bold-faced, unabashed lie, not just for her. So I can keep my composure for the 38 seconds it takes to start my car and drive out of sight. A lie to keep it together, because the truth could break us both.)

I'll believe in anything if you'll just believe in anything

This post was edited by Magnifico on Jul 25, 2005.

It seems, sometimes, most times, like it is so stinking hard for people to go with their hearts. People say they don't recognize love when they see it... I think it's more likely that they recognize it perfectly well, and run screaming.

Really loving someone, really being there for them, holding their hands, snuggling on the couch watching goofy 80s flicks, and pouring your heart out to them while they take breaks for popcorn, but, always, always, come back to listen to your story, your lifestory... it seems so hard for the people being loved the hardest to realize who really loves them. It scares people.

And they do what people have done for time immemorial... they say: "Let's just be friends." [codewords for: It's just to painful to go beyond the surface experience and dig for more like I've done with you... I have to go now... this scares me.]

And if you call them on it, they get mad. So you can't. You don't want to destroy the friendship... so you let them live in their illusion, and pretty soon... the passion for you is gone, and you convince yourself that you never loved them like that anyway...

It's a pretty grim scenario, but one we've all bought into on both sides... I certainly know I've done it to people, and I've had it done to me. I said I'd never put up walls, but they are there. If I let myself feel what I really want to feel for the person I love most... I would die of a broken heart.

So I accept the friendship... we are even friends that fuck sometimes. I just remember not to let it happen more than once every month... or I'll get too close, and he'll get too close.. and he'll say: "You know, this feels like it has all the trappings of a real date.. but I can't date you. I am afraid."

That's what it all seems to boil down to: Fear... of intimacy. It's the biggest fear we humans have... when we really should just mate for life with the person we love, and not look over our shoulders to see if there is something better. If maybe we can get more than the person who loves us so much they will listen to our misery daily, and still try to make us smile, and still hold our hands, and scrub our backs in the shower.

It's really quite sad, really. I hope a few of us learn before it is too late... the problem is: knowing all of this, while the person you love most stands there frozen in their own cage of fear. Isn't it? It sucks. And spelling out the truth could break the friendship... and it's the only thing that's left of something that was once so much more... and you want to salvage, you want to save... so you keep quiet. What else can you do.

But love them as much as they will allow you to do so. Which is nice, but it still sucks.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

"I'm ok with this. I guess it just makes sense."

There's nothing you could have said to save you the heartbreak. I'm sorry for your loss.

'Yeah, That's what Jesus would do. Jesus would bomb Afghanistan. Yeah.' - snowlion