Reading rosyxxx's journal

I was, and have been really enjoying the last couple of days... it has been a switch from the paces that my meditation practice has been putting me through. It's as if the universe was just sending me obstacles to see what I would do with them.. how I would handle them... in other words, testing my character. And that hasn't been happening for the last three days.

Until about three hours ago...

I was at the end of my shift, and literally just bursting with energy. All the love I had been sending out to people, and that they had sent back to me, was just vibrating. The last set, I found myself face to face with a guy who had a sour look on his face. No matter, I had seen those kinds of faces earlier, and had managed to turn their frowns upside down. I made a lot of people smile with the help of my 'friends'. This dude, however, was hellbent on being pissy. I smiled wide, I leaned forward to give him a kiss on the cheek, and he asked me how I was doing. I said I was doing wonderful! He said: Are you sure? I said: Yes, I am. He repeated the question again, as if I hadn't even answered.

I rolled away saying: I don't need your negativity, and then immediately turned my attention to a cute guy who had just turned 21 that night. By the time the set was over, he was grinning from ear to ear, and someone else came up to say thank you for a fun night, and I said thank you back.

I had managed to let the little slip with negativity roll right off. But that was not to be the end of it. I breathed a sigh of relief, though, not knowing, and went to count out what I owed to the bar and the DJ. I made plans to help another girl cover her schedule for vacation, promised another girl that I would go out with her and other friends for her birthday, exchanged phone numbers with another girl who wants to go in together to get a gift for our friend whose house burned, and then I went to climb in the tanning bed.

That was fine too. I took my bag of Cheezits with me, and munched on those while I stood singing a medley of Bjork and Tori Amos songs. The next thing I know, someone who rarely talks to me opened the door to grin at me, and give me good-natured shit about my singing. She said I was such a pothead, eating my Cheezits and singing along... in the dark. Cause the tanning bed light had gone out a few minutes earlier... I knew it had, but I just kept singing cause I was happy. She gave me a hug, and we laughed.

All of that was fine and fun. Then I noticed that my phone had rung while I was tanning. I knew who it was... and oddly enough, I didn't want to answer it. I'm tired of the little games. I'm tired of him riding the fence. I'm tired of the way he judges me. I don't need it. I need to move forward, not backward.

You'd think he was calling because I sent him a note last weekend. Or, because he'd tried to reach me yesterday, since when we talked Monday he had had to go to get some work done. I'm sure he knew I was hurt that he hadn't invited me to his party, and that I was curious as to why...

But, he'd been avoiding the issue. Why would this morning be any different?

Except... that I had been having so much fun, and was so full of love and smiles. I had told him that I no longer want to drink, at all. Not even with dinner. And I was having as much or more fun as all of the drunk people...

Early in the night, I still had a bit of a chip on my shoulder about how inconsiderate he had been... but that was quickly gone in a matter of hours. I was having too much fun to dwell on it anymore... Although, I am sure, after talking with me, he sensed my irritation.

But, still, when I talked to him and told him how happy I was, he was bent on asking this question that could likely have been designed to get under my skin. Which means, that:

A) I was guilty of being rather passive-aggressive with him... but I got it out of my system and moved on...and got really, really happy...

and...

B) he was jealous. Of my happiness. But you know what? He could just share it, instead of pushing me away. He doesn't have to be my boyfriend, but whatever he is, if there is going to be any kind of relationship... he needs to be my friend.

And I don't want the kind of friends that either exclude you from certain activities because of their control issues, or friends who try to rain on your parade.

Kick me for being hurt that I got left out. But don't rain on my parade out of jealousy. Don't call me at the end of the night, when I have a huge, huge, huge smile on my face to ask me about something really, really negative... when you know it will rain on my parade. I am speaking to him, of course.

But then again, I am no saint myself, because, annoyed as I was, I chose to take the occasion of being burdened with yet another instance of his inability to trust me, to call him out on my being shunned from the party.

And god, you know what, I can't believe I am even dwelling on this... I know why I am... I know at this stage of the game that it is par for the course... but I wish that I wasn't. I wish I could just shake my head at his behaviour and at mine.... and say to myself: "Well, just be his friend, and love him for what he is... not what he isn't."

I've been thinking while I have been writing this, that he is the one that needs to learn a lesson... and that may be true... but, it isn't my job to make him learn it. It's my job to learn my own lesson. Which is: Stop trying to change him. I can't. He's the only one who can. If he doesn't want to come along on the same happy path I am on, I can't make him do so. And I don't, conversely, want to go back to the way things were... anymore than he does.

I just 'see' a light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't think he does. But that's not my problem... is it?

If it sounds like I am trying to convince myself to believe the truth of the whole matter, that's because I am. The truth is a bit hard to swallow sometimes. I need something to make it go down a little smoother. :)

P.S. Lude and crude jokes are even welcome. That's why I left the door open at the end of that paragraph. I want to laugh about this instead of cry... *big cheezy grin*

I think I am coming to the conclusion slowly, that I don't need to be thinking about doing things like toying with someone's aversion to pork, or making fun of Mr. Potato Head, and that in doing so... I am no different than my friend in his efforts to rain on my parade. It is so hard to let go of old patterns of being, and when you literally try to let go of them overnight you meet with more resistance to the change than your own. People are used to you the way you are, and they don't realize it, but they don't want you to change, cause it would mess up the seating arrangements.

But, I've got to change. I don't want anymore of this bitterness, anymore of this fear, anymore of those trips down sad hallways.

Tonight, while leaving my second stage, I heard two guys, one from North Carolina, and one from Chicago who were friends saying about me: "That girl is fun, she is energetic, she's focused, she's going places." They thought I was in my early twenties with my whole life ahead of me... and I thought... you know, if I wanna be there, I can be. I don't have to be sitting in this rut with other people hitting middle age, and being bitter about it. I don't have to dwell on the stupid crap people do... I don't have to react. I can just smile. And I can breathe in their negativity, and breathe out positivity. I can transform what they give to me, even though I can't fix the source.

That might be part of my problem. Earlier tonight, I actually thought that something channeling through me was changing the assholes in the club. It wasn't. I was just transforming what they sent to me, and reacting with love. THEY chose to change. I chose to change. And there were only two people I came into contact with at the end of the night who didn't want to change... and I can't help them. But I can love them.

Thank you to anyone who read this drivel. It'd be nice to know if someone else has been down this path, and lived to tell about it. I want to hope. And I want to be happy.

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

This post was edited by rosyxxx on May 19, 2005.

First of all, you don't drivel, I don't think you could drivel if you tried.
You write eleoquently, and beautifully.
I've met some really great (or bad as the case may be) drivelers in my wanderings and you my friend are not one of them.

Having said that, I have gone through, on several occasions the process of what you speak of, and I'm still here.
I expect that before I leave this shell I will go through it again.
It's actually an awesome thing, one of the best courses in the university of life that anyone can have the good fortune to go through.
At the time, the things that lead up to it may be horrible and tear you up a bit, but the things you walk away with are priceless.

From my perspective the people who do go through thoes things and are changed by them, and yeah it does change you, are people I enjoy spending time with.
Unfortunately most of the time it seems it takes several times of going through to realize some of the things that make being able to make choices that you don't want certian things in your life anymore.
It's hard to look at things from an honest place, especially when your looking in the mirror because it's human nature to want to believe that we are above having really nasty stuff inside us.
But the truth is that every human walking on the face of this planet has crap.
Most people just don't want to believe it of themselves...it's always the other guy, and if a person can find someone to blame it on then they don't have to look at themselves and really take a good look.

I for one have lots of junk, and hopefully some of it is gone, and some of it is being delt with. But I do know I'm not all I used to believe I was cracked up to be, and I do know that other people's stuff isn't my responsiblity to fix.
I tried for a long, long time, to be ms. fix-it-all-for-you.
And that's not my job.

And it's not yours either. Our job, as it were, is dealing with us, and we are compicated enough to take a life time to learn how to walk gracefully in our own skin, and learn that yes we have things that are both nice and not so nice about us, but it's ok to like who we are and who we are in the process of becomming. In short, we are becomming the heros of our own life.
Now the really fun part starts...learning how to balance our egos.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

Okay... I feel so high on life right now, that my ego is soaring. I hope I can bring it back down to earth.

I went out with the girls Friday night for a birthday party, and met all these really cool people...Astrid, Jason, Big D.,Patrick, blah, blah, blah... as my stripper friends like to say...

I didn't drink a damn thing, and didn't really smoke out 'til we got home. We went to one club and I danced my ass off to hip-hop, and watched the birthday girl and another friend bump booties. Then this really cool dude came over to talk to me. He knows the birthday girl's roommate. Shy (which is sooooo sexy!) and sweet. I gave him my number. Hell, I gave the bartender my number. I thought, why not just go out and have an assload of fun? Sometime next Thursday we are supposed to have dinner. And the other guy and I talked for a bit yesterday, and I'm supposed to call this afternoon...

I also have a really cute guy that I am supposed to call, cause he wants to go to the Fox to see a Broadway Show, cause we found out we both are on the same page.

I went to work last night, had a blast, didn't drink, but got stoned before work, made some money, and danced my butt off. What fun! I feel like a big kid. Running around, swinging like a monkey on the jungle gym... don't get me wrong, I am tired, but I had fun. Lots!!

And then after, I hung out with the two female bartenders, put Lip Venom on every woman I could find, and even got my bald-headed buddy to slather some on, via a smooch. Sweet! Hanging with my co-workers after work, while they got drunk, and I drank two more bottles of water and ate a Chocolate Covered Cherry Cliff Energy Bar, was so nice. We sat around humming the 80s tunes that were playing, and giving each other high fives...

Every once in a while I would yell out: Sade! Tears for Fears! Billy Joel! Poison! Nena! 99 Luftballoons! Kyrie Eleison! Beach Boys!

We were reminiscing about movies like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and Breakfast Club... and singing: <butchers the German language>... Danka Shein, Darling, danka shein... Talking about T-birds, Cameros, Transams... being built for speed. And one of the waitresses said: "How does she have so much fun without being drunk? How does she do that?" She told me later that she loves talking to me in the Dressing Room, cause I use my brain. I said, yeah, its frustrating watching some people dumb themselves down to the point that they have two brain cells left, duking it out for which one gets to live.... And all that alcohol? How the hell would I remember just exactly how much fun I had if I had been drinking it?

I'm fine with being crazy, if being crazy means this much fun.
But, I AM supposed to call people today, so I had better get to bed soon. But before I do, I have to finish today's mantra practice, and add in one for my friend who wants to take his little sister to see the Salvador Dali museum in Tampa before she gets married. Being a Muslim wedding, after the wedding he can't come into town and take her anywhere, because she will be married then. That's such a bummer. So, I said I'd say a mantra for him to be able to get past the obstacles to showing his little sis' a good time before her wedding.

And I added one last week for my Dad, who hurt his big toe, and for my friend Dan, who had a nasty ass cold. Then I get to play my Tibetan bowls, and it is so peaceful, and I wake up feeling awesome! It feels so nice to have people whispering good things behind your back, like: "She's so much fun to be around...", and to be able to say back with genuine feeling: "Y'all are fuckin' fun to be around too. I love y'all!" And I do love my job, even though it hasn't been paying crap lately. I like the close-knit group of co-workers that I hang with now, and I feel so lucky to be a part of so many people's groups. My dance card is full today, and I love it!

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

This post was edited by rosyxxx on May 29, 2005.