Reading harold_maude's journal

Have you ever been in that place where you have to be continually on?
The entertainment, the one who takes care of things, makes things happen, and generally makes everyone elses life liveable?
That's being on.

I've come face to face with the reality that I'm on and it has a strange effect on my sleep patterns, and my life in general.

When I'm in the mode of on I don't sleep. I can't. I'm jumpy and can't relax.

I wish I could take a long vacation and disapear into the woodwork for a very,very long time. Not alot of people would understand that need, as most humans are social creatures who need company.
When the normal avarage well driven person needs to get away they just simply do.

For those who make everything ok, there is no vacation. The making everything ok can either be self imposed, as in control freaks who own businesses and can't trust any manager to run it as well as they do. And the more they need time away, the more the works get fucked up because they make it impossible for anyone to do their job.

They need to be hog tied and made to take a vacation.

Then there are the kinds of people who get placed into the solid rock place by those around them. It's not a choice, it just happens. Where every they go, when ever they are around other people, whether they want it or not they get shoved into possition and then get dumped on. Everybody's shit, every major decision that comes across the line, it ends up in their lap.

Whether I like it or want it or what ever I get shoved into that possition. I don't know why. Maybe it's the strong work eithic I have, or the need to do things when they need to be done and not letting them become a huge mess, or maybe it's because I like to take care of things asap that ends me up here again and again.

I want to go away. Far far away, where someone will take care of me so I can sleep, and wander and not have to think or fix things or make sure things are done on time.

I don't want to have to be the one who makes things ok. But all the major decisions keep ended up being made based on my thoughts and observations here. Even with the choice of the next roommate. They come to me. They get sent to me. And I get to be the one who decides.

For what ever reason, and I have no clue as to why, and I'm too fucking tired to try to figure it all out, I end up being shoved into this possition.

My perfect world would be to have someone come along and see that I need to be able to just lay my head down and not have to be strong, and not have to fix things or make sure the bills are paid on time, or make sure that everyone who can pull the rug out at a moments notice is kept happy.
This person would be stronger than me. But be very peaceable about things. And supporitve when it comes time to doing something nessiary, so that it dosen't act as a major drain of any and all reserves.

This person wouldn't have to be there all the time, and they wouldn't have to be strong all the time. I don't mind needed people, but I would love it if needed people were sometimes strong people. A balance in things. A reasonable balance.
that would be my perfect world.

I doubt if I'll ever know my perfect world. Life, at least my life isn't that easy. And I doubt it ever will be.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.