Reading Saqqara's journal

What is it about relationships that make them work? Is it having a common ground of interests to talk about? Both being sexy as hell and enjoying it? What?

I personally want a partner I can sit down and have an engaging conversation with, one where we can both look at our watches and say, "wow, it's 3 am already?" I don't really care about personal appearance, nor do I care about "status". Someone who genuinely interests me is what I want.

What interests me you ask? I don't know. I like working with computers, but I'm not a computer geek. I like playing games, but I don't form cults and pray that the developers create Doom 2394834 within the next year. There are several things that interest me, not just with computers. Ancient History is a favorite subject of mine. I could spend all day talking about it, to anyone who would listen and reply with more than an "ok" and "how did you say that name?".

I suppose when it boils down to it, I don't really know what I'm looking for. Perhaps it will come, perhaps it won't. I'll bide my time and see.

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts."

Perhaps not having a 3 state gap helps? I really wouldn't know, but trust me, having everything in common is not the ticket. It takes the flavour out of life and while there's that initial rush of euphoria in finding your supposed perfect match, it will always be short lived. Nobody will share all of your interests, and if they did, you'd bore of them quickly. While dependability is key, predictability will bore the piss out of you. Having a reason for discussion is key as well, and usually that's contradicting opinions, which can't be had within your perfect match.

Another key element in any relationship, is the ability to sacrafice. Perhaps what you are really looking for is something you lost within yourself?

"wow, it's 3 am already?"

I know I said that at least once.

And another thing you should consider is not being so selfish. It's not always what you want, and not asking others to not do anything they don't want to do is not an excuse. Give and take is a valuable part of a relationship, because contrary to what you may beleive, sacrafice and giving for somebody you CARE about feels so fucking good, and to deny that of somebody is downright selfish.

I'm sorry that all of a sudden I can't keep a conversation with you. I hope you find what you need, because after all, that's caring. Even if it's not with me. Well, best of luck, love. And I'm sorry, if I said anything mean or harsh... Even though I said I'd prefer to not care, I don't always get what I want.

I should be ashamed of myself.

This post was edited by Aynjell on Jun 26, 2005.

I don't want somebody "just" like me, but it is nice to sit down and have a conversation we both enjoy. Aynjell, you and I did have some interesting conversations, and to some extent, we enjoy the same things. However, we come from a totally different spectrum. It's like saying a cow and a buffalo are the same.

I did what I did because I sat down and reflected, and I honestly couldn't see anything in the future between us. I didn't do it to hurt you, I didn't do it to hurt me. I may be wrong for making the choice I did, who knows.

However, pulling back and choosing not to have anything at all to do with me is your decision. I told you I don't mind remaining friends, playing mario now and then, whatever. I did what I did to keep you from having false hope. You of all people should know that I don't like to lead people on, and I am brutally honest.

As for being selfish, there are some things I don't like to do, and I won't do them for anyone. Sacrifice and all that, yada yada yada, I need to work on it, I know. Like I said, perhaps I made a mistake, only time will tell.

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts."

The "let's just be freinds" line right after a statement like this:

"We never have any interesting conversations, we don't share interests, you don't interest me, etc"

That tends to make a body feel a bit awkward, and even more so, when it's so ass-backwards. I offer you no relational value yet you still want to be freinds? So would that be like lovers turning into fuck buddies? Would I just be an intelligence to power some of your amusement?

I'm sorry, but I'm insulted, and that's why I pulled back. I won't be a toy. I do care, and I always will, but I won't be reminded that I'm not good enough for somebody I cared about. And it's hard to beleive you ever cared seeing how you responded...

I feel like I've been lied to.

I should be ashamed of myself.

This post was edited by Aynjell on Jun 26, 2005.

And it's hard to beleive you ever cared seeing how you responded...

I feel like I've been lied to.

That is exactly what I tried to avoid. I told you I would never say that 3 word phrase unless I really meant it. That's why I never said it. I care about you as a friend Aynjell, but as for a relationship, no, it's not going to happen. I'm not looking for one, and I wasn't when you expressed interest in one, which is why I was so hesitant.

As for not interesting me, I never, never called you a boring person who I did not want to talk to again. We had a few interesting conversations, but we are from two different spectrums, as I said before. I reflected and I could not see myself with you in the future.

Once again, I'm sorry that I hurt you, I did what I did to keep you from having false hope. If you choose not to have a friendship with me, that is your loss.

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts."

This post was edited by Saqqara on Jun 26, 2005.

Oh well. Like you said, we will have to see.

I should be ashamed of myself.