Reading Aynjell's journal

I am beginning to fester with hate. My face is constantly in a frown, and in some cases contorted into a grimace. With a job that takes 12 hours a day out of me (on the days I work), a sister who is running off with a guy that cheats on her and was legally a sex offender when he got her pregnant due to age differences and such, a mother who thinks I'm the fucking devil incarnate, a lack of money, and a ever deteriorating physical condition...

The list goes on and on, but the general point is: I'm not happy with my life, in any way shape or form. Sure, like I said, to a certain degree, due to my hate for myself, I tend to enjoy misery, but man when you want to finally go away, it just sits on you.

I should be ashamed of myself.

Aynjell, I unfortunately know what its like. I have done something wrong recently, and I may have ruined my life all together. And, like in your situation, my parents are being asses... sorry for the word, but, yeah, its true. my now, EX-boyfriend, is scared for me right now, bacause of our... problem... and I broke up with him... like a retard. Now all I can think about is whether or not I am... well, pregnant... and yes its scary. I have nothing else to say now, except, Life is rough, and I know you can pull through... If I can live with this crap... you definately can... I believe in ya... in ALL of you...

Athena, here and there...

Things happen. Just be a good mother, or if your heart leads you to do it, have an abortion. It's frowned upon (putting up for adoption is preferred for whatever reason). All I can say is, things happen.

You are at a fork in the road and going back is not an option. You can sit at the fork and wallow, looking down your previously tread ground, or choose a new path. Choose wisely, though, lest you regret it.

I should be ashamed of myself.

It's amazing how accurate the old roller-coaster cliche really is, if you think back to your first real ride as a kid. Going up and up and up, hearing that godawful crack of the wheels and realizing you couldn't get off if you tried. Not without killing yourself.
I was thinking of that today, before I read your post - specifically about having kids. If you're in a position where you can handle it (at least financially and emotionally) it's worth the ride, but it is as scary as it gets.

...however cunningly it is hidden, a child of the meanest capacity feels it and is repelled by it.

Well, I know I'm not. its really hard for me to live right now though... I'm having tthe hardest time in life, and no one here wants to see that... i'm not complaining... Just making a statement. I love it here, and I wish everything would be like it is here... Oh well.... can blame a girl from wishing... September 19 I turn 18... YAY!!! I'll see ya'll later, ok,

Bye for now.

Athena, here and there...

It's been a while since I talked to you. Life has been busy it would seem for you and everyone else too....
I've been writing alot but tend to avoid much conversation, there are too many thoughts and patterns going on right now and with work...
the list goes on.

And then I found this.

I've been sitting here thinking about everything you've said, and how when I read it, it feels like the whole world is disenigrating in chunks and peices around you.

And I thought if I was sitting in the same room what I would tell you, or try to say to let you know that everything changes, nothing having to do with time ever remains the same.

And I thought about what gift in the middle of all the pain you are standing in that I could give you to help you see things from a different place, and do my best to help you somehow see that there is more here than meets the eye, more than what appears to be so obvious, and has the power to change your life or to distroy your life depending on what you do in response to everything.

...Thoughts about beauty that exists just out of sight, sometimes hidden behind walls of thorns...
thoughts about wisdom that comes from having to walk through terrible things, and find a window to see the sky with blue white clouds, and find peace in seeing that....
Thoughts about so many things...

Here's my gift to you, for here and now:

Look at what is beyond your doors...outside. Really look at it, and when you see a bird, watch it, see how the wind carries it, and know that in life sometimes birds get broken wings, sometimes they get cautght in nets, sometimes they loose eggs out of their nests...but when they ride the wind they are free.
They exist always in this moment, so the world is what it is to them.

Look for an ant, and watch it. See what it does and where it goes. If you step on it, you stop one ant from doing what it was doing, but others will follow the trail left behind the ant, and more will come.
They are if nothing else persistant. They follow chemical trails of each other, so they are never really alone, even when one goes out scouting.
It's what they were ment to do. Do their part in keeping the nest sucessful.
They carry heavy loads, relativly speaking, but they keep going.

If there are flowers near where you live, take time to study them. They are completely dendant on the elements and bees to keep them going.
They are helpless, to keep anything that could distroy them completely, yet there are others like each one, to ensure they will continue.
And they are beautiful, and unique, each species in it's own way.
As it is with all of these, it's the same with you.

In tribal society, every person has a place, even thoes who are out side the norm of the tribe.
Each person has a purpose and a part of the tribe.
We have lost that need about ourselves in this world we participate in and our forfathers create.

We, of all the creatures that live on this planet have one thing that makes us different, the ablity to think about things, and make choices and change things.
We can do one of three things that will determine much about what we know about who we are and our purpose here and now.
We can remain where we are and let what is distroying us keep distroying us.
We can become activists and engage in war.
And we can also choose to make some decisions based on what we want baised on what exists now, and set about achieving the first steps on the road of our life.

You said you hate yourself. Why? What right do you have to take it upon yourself to eat of the most distructive emotions that exists?
Did you choose your life before you arrived?
If, as some claim that we, who are on a very long road of having to do things over and over again until we get it right, choose before we get to this life, the life we will live for the good of all the universe, you did, does it make any sense at all that a person, free of emotion, free of pain and suffering, knowing only the beautiful existance of love and peace with out the limits of time, that they would choose to exist in a place completely oposite of what they know, just so that the universe, of which you are smaller than the smallest grain of sand, realivly speaking, would taste of some minuet good?
And it would seem that if a person had to keep comming back over and over until they got it right, and when their out there one with the universe, they would make sure they didn't have to do it over more than once, don't you think?

I tend to think about the griefs of life as a mirror. It shows us what's inside us.
And if we can manage to look at where we've been, and understand that everything in life has the potental to bring out the best in us or the worst, then the bad stuff that happens takes on a new view.
What your going through now can make you strong.
It can help you when you make choices. You can choose to become observant and then look with in and see how much of the stuff you see you have inside you.
And you can make choices.

It's a kind of freedom in the middle of what seems impossible to change around you.

You are not made up completely of things that other people tell you that you are.
Most people see only part of a person, and if the people viewing another person have no value for human life, they will see that person as worthless.
If that person takes on what they've been told by these people then they will begin to fulfill what they've been told they are.
Words are powerful things.
And most things are said with out much thought.

You are, I believe, highly creative, although you can't see it right now.
I believe that you have the capiblity to love someone with out selfishness, you may know it in your head, but if you hate yourself, how can you even begin to believe that there is anyone who you can love?
You have to learn to see yourself as worth love. That is basic to all of humanity.
I'm not talking about a narcistic kind of childish love here.
I'm talking about seeing that you have value. And that's worth something.
Actually alot.
But most people have forgotten that all life has value, even when it's covered up by scars and wounds or anything different than what they want.
And it's not a pride thing either, the kind of pride thing that makes some people believe they are better than others.
But it's knowing that you are unique in the whole universe, and yet very much connected to the whole universe, and that's worth alot too.

It's knowing that you are put together the way you are because you are a work of art.
A living work of art.
Did it ever cross your mind that the color of your eyes, the color of your skin and hair work and look just right together?
That your bone structure fits you rather well.
And that when you feel extrodinary joy, even though it's been a very long time since you have, that your smile radiates with that joy?
Well it does.
Every person on this planet is like that.

Watch a child when they are truely delighted. Even one who is by this societies standards, retarded or handicaped.
When they feel delight they glow from the inside out.
And nothing can be faked about that kind of a smile.

Did you ever realize that you are a gift, and some people you will meet will actually take the time to see what's on the inside beneath the cover of that gift?
It happens.
But sometimes it's years before those people cross your path.
And the waiting is hard. And lonely. And frustrating. And painful.
And we forget sometimes, that there are people comming our way who we are ment to meet, who will do just that, and see what most other people miss because they can't get past the surface.

All you can see right now is the pain and how much you hurt.
You've loved your misery for so long that it's become like a second skin on you.
And when you try to take it off, you have no clue as to how.

Here's another gift for you. Take time each day to think about something wonderful.
It can be something you want, but at first it's better if's something you can see.
Like the sky. Or the trees, or a bird, or a rock, or the smell of rain, and just think about how awesome it is that you can see it or smell it, or taste it or touch it.
For just a few minuets give your self permission to stop thinking about everything that's wrong so you can enjoy something beautiful.
After awhile it becomes a sanctuary that no one can take away from you.
They can't steal it, they can't tell you that you have to sell it, or you don't have enough money to have it.
It's free.

If you need laughter as your daily dose of sanctuary, watch something that makes you laugh, or read something really stupid or funny or watch a cartoon.

If you need a good cry, chop up some onions or eat some horseradish.
Tears serve a nessiary purpose to the health of your eyes.
Did you know that?
They actually wash your eyes and it feels good too.

If you need to scream try your hand at bread making. You can beat the crap out of bread dough, and the more you beat it up the better it is when it comes out baked.
Then you can sit back and enjoy the warm aroma of fresh baked bread and the awesome taste of home made bread fresh from the over.
If your mom won't let you use her kitchen find someone who will.
It's an amazing experience.
My mom made the best bread that I have ever tasted, and she spent most of the time pissed off at my dad.
I think, no I know, that when she was kneeding the bread and throwing it as hard as she could on the table she was thinking about my dad....

By the time she was done, she was exausted and the bread was amazing.
Somthing to think about.

Remember this, that roses always have thorns...and life is alot like that, I wish it wasn't.
But it is.

I think the people I feel the sorriest for in life are those who go through most of it without facing anything hard.
When hard things come they arn't prepared.
They fall apart.
They can't cope, and sometimes because they have no skills that will help them they spend the rest of their lives trying to recover.
Some never make it.

One other thing to keep in mind in all of this, the choices people make they have to live with the concequences of those choices, and nothing you can say or do will make them do what you want.
People make mistakes. But even in mistakes there is much to learn.

Your sister has to find her own way.
And so does every one else in your family, including you.
You've made mistakes, and bad choices.
But there is nothing that says that your future or your sisters future or anyone elses in your family has to stay the same.
It's all choices.
Our past history doesn't have to determine tomorrow.

I hope all of this is of some help to you. Take what you can use and put the rest away for later.

You are not alone in this...just keep that in mind. Okay?

This post was edited by harold_maude on Aug 22, 2005.