Reading rosyxxx's journal

I have a little ambivalence over current events in my life... concering topics that I have yet to sort through. There are women at work who appear to be throwbacks from high school (imagine that...); people who can't seem to understand that meeting them in a strip club does not give them automatic trust, on the contrary, it breeds distrust; and people who start out doing things for the right reasons, and end up totally screwing up. I'm probably in that latter group, and just don't know it quite yet. Hm.

And yet, I feel put upon. I feel put on the spot. I feel brought to task. I feel picked on. I feel like someone said, "Put your money where your mouth is, and I hadn't even really opened my mouth." I feel like smacking some heads together. Why are there so many people intent on destroying what makes another person happy, what brings them peace? Why do people start out with good intentions to help you, and then try to fuck you, LITERALLY? How could I refuse to see the incipient problem headed my way like a stinking bomb? Nope. Nope. There are no words. But alas, being inclined to verbosity, I will attempt to create them.

I have half a mind, to post the recent financial (oh soooorry, 'stock' advice [/sarcasm];P) advice that was just given to me, so that 'everyone' can use it. And also to point out the fact that what I was told didn't require me getting two hours of sleep; getting up and showering; spending a friggin' hour on the phone arguing about where to meet; getting put on a guilt trip for putting someone out by not going to their home, which would be stupid if I met them in a club, when they OFFERED said advice of their own accord; sitting in a flea/mosquito infested internet cafe, freaking out and getting lost on the way home, having to go sit in a movie theatre and watch Howl's Moving Castle for the second time just to regroup; nor did it require falling asleep with my hairpins stuck up the back of my neck, and my shirt on sideways because I was so fucking tired trying to meet his daytime agenda. He could have given me the info over the bleeping, motherfucking phone! It was that simple, folks.

And not asked me to go to Chicago with him for a 'Stock seminar', nor to lie to his wife about where he met me. If I just met him, and he wants to offer financial/stock advice that's fine. But I don't need to be in his car on a road trip with him.

Mind you, this isn't the first time someone has obseqiously offered such services and let their good intentions go sour. The very friend who suggested a secure place to meet on this one, also connected me with a broker two years ago, who tried to put the moves on me the minute my friend left. Not to mention that he tried to kiss me with an open herpetic sore on his mouth. Yech! And THAT dude, I didn't meet in a strip club. He was a friend of my friend. So go figure. Schmucks and dirty old men are everywhere. Everywhere. I just attract freaks, I guess.

I just have to keep reminding myself that there are good ones too...the disgusting ones have just been popping up a lot here in the past few days. Like for instance, the dude at work last night who had, I'll admit, rather sexy looking incisors, with natural points on them. But, when he bit my neck, I thought he drew blood. And when I looked in the mirror, I had two dots on my neck like a friggin' vampire bit me! I showed the DJ, and he said: "It's like something out of a B-movie, if you turn into a vampire let me know. I wanna be one too..." I guess that was the comic relief. Ha. :-) But I don't like human parasites.

Not to mention getting ate up by fleas or mosquitoes, or what-the-fuck ever was in that internet cafe, that a friend of mine was so kind to suggest as a safe meeting place... which it was, but that is beside the point. I've got bites all over my arms, face and feet. That is the good news here.

One of my very dear friends said: "Sure. Let him give you the advice on investment. It might be damn good advice. But, rest assured... he probably wants something in return, other than coffee. Dress conservatively, stay in public, and by the way, I'll call my friend who owns an internet cafe and tell him to look for you." I should add here, that it was purely stubborn refusal to believe that he had ANY ulterior motives that led me to ignore how much he was balking at going someplace where my 'friends' would be watching me...

I'd like to eventually give him back the book he loaned, but only if he doesn't behave like a stalker. I'm truly sorry that I ever gave my phone number to him. I don't generally do that. I guess some stereotypes are truisms. Don't trust anyone you meet in a strip club. No matter how nice they seem. Too bad. Really...

And lets not forget, that currently, I have no money to invest! So I am in no hurry to learn this info. I should have realized why HE was in a hurry to give it to me. And when he couldn't get dinner out of me, he proceeded to inform me that I really needed to talk to him and get more of his advice, because I was almost 38 (even though he couldn't tell, and had to ask, since he thought I was 25), and my options were running out. Only if I wanna be a wealthy retiree. What a pessimistic jerk. Kind of reminds me of my ex's best friend who tried to get me to fuck him, and when I wouldn't... he felt it necessary, totally not apropos of the solicitious conversation, to ask me if I knew that my ex wasn't coming back then because he had a new girlfriend? Bastard.

Now, I have to go deal with catty bitches. That's next on my agenda. Boy that compassion thing rankles. I don't want to do it, but I know I must if I want to heal. If you don't speak your truth when you first feel it, it quickly can turn into self-pity, repressed rage manifesting in self-destructive tendencies, and/or depression. I'm opting for righteous anger this time out. So there. So much for being a goody-two-shoes. Look out blonde bitches. Stay out of my way, or make my fucking day. And if you can get that straight, THEN we'll talk about compassion being extended. And goodbye Mr. Financial advisor. Oh wait. I forgot. 'Stock' advisor. Whatever.

But never fear, fellow queers, I'll find a spot for forgiveness soon. I know that my 'stock advisor' was probably directed from some 'higher source' to give me that advice... but he's human, and humans let their baser intincts get the best of them sometimes. Heh. Look at me. A regular pot calling the kettle black. Oh well. We can't all be perfect. Doesn't mean I won't try. But at least I don't carry around a fuzzy pink purse that says: "Princess". My momma thought I was special, and that's enough for me.

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Jul 14, 2005.

Ohhh...rubs hands together. It appears that I have offended a 'Stock advisor' or something. How petty. All the pots are black.

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

Here's something both interesting and brief. Mind you, just because it is brief, does not mean that it is not profound...<note to self>...:

Tuesday night at work became Wednesday morning at work after the stroke of midnight. Cinderella's glass slipper disappeared, metaphorically speaking. But there was no prince involved. That was the only problem with the individual who came to see me. For a moment he was inspired to give me useful information. Then his ego decided to use the situation to his advantage, and see if more could come of it. He was only being human. And in my anger and frustration, so was I. Our egos were in full swing.

I believe he knew he was to give me this information. And then he slipped. He wanted more than the knowledge that he had helped someone. I knew he was to give me this gift, and then I slipped. I expected knowledge to come to me perfectly. But people have free will, and they can take what they are given and use it wrongly. Both of us used the situation to inflate our egos. But the only way you can leave the ego behind, is to have at least once known it. If you have not known it, you will likely always wonder what it is in the back of your mind. You know it, you can leave it. And then the mind doesn't exist, eventually...

Interesting to note, that on the 33rd day of the practice I undertook for prosperity (which tends to manifest itself as blessings for all involved, including the one undertaking the practice on behalf of another...) for some friends of mine, a friend of mine really wanted me to go to a seminar on building wealth. Classically, in mantra practice, things tend to happen on the 33rd, the 35th, and the 40th day of practice. After the 30th day, old baggage can come up, and try to make you quit, because your habits are deeply entrenched and don't want to let go.

But that is neither here nor there, unless you understand what I am talking about. Nor is this: The 40th day of practice for my friends, and inadvertently for me, was July 12th. That was Wednesday morning. That was when I met the man who tried to help me, but made me so angry and confused. I understand now. I think.

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

Warning: this one is a little long...just so you know

Last night I went to visit a friend who has been helping me immensely on my spiritual path. He has saved my ass many a time, and listened when I have run afoul of my goals. He's smiled when I said I went back to cursing like a sailor, just to get people to stop calling me a goody-two-shoes. What else can you do but smile, when someone has forgotten how much power their negative words have?

All that reading I did on Dr. Emoto's work with ice crystals... so...I've been slipping. A little. I have let people get under my skin again. And then, I have lied to myself, and told myself what I wanted to believe about the kind of 'gift' I must have been receiving on my 40th day of practice for Lakshmi and wealth for both my friends and myself. I wanted to believe that the Indian guy who offered 'stock advice', and whom for sake of clarity here, I shall call, H., meant well, and he may well have. Initially. For a second. Then desire got the better of him. Desire for a body, desire for control, desire to manipulate.

I had forgotten how angry and hurt I was when my time was wasted by him. I had pushed out of my mind the fact that while talking to him, my skin was breaking out in hives. I looked like I had been bitten by a bazillion mosquitoes. When we walked outside, and I was still trying to get away, I DID get bitten by mosquitoes. Those bites were there the next day...the hives which looked like bites, were gone. My throat itched, I was coughing a little like I used to do.

Then, last night, this guy that I met at my friend's house, we'll call him Mike, started talking to me. I asked him both about this, and another topic that had come up in both one of Namadeva's books, and in a book on Spiritual Travels. It was about people with black eyes with stars in the center. We agreed that if people like that really existed, that they could be equally from both camps, just like most of us can. You can't tell by the cover. He told me to run the Merkaba lines. I asked him why I felt so shaky these days, why I felt I was losing faith in my practice. He suggested that I had refused to see that meeting H. was a lesson. And a lesson IS truly a spiritual gift. That I wanted to believe that the guy had good intentions, when actually, he wanted control, and he wanted my power that I have been working so hard to amass.

I argued that H. seemed originally to want to be of help. Mike said that may have been so, but something else got a hold of H. and turned him. That there could be nothing good about breaking out in hives around H. And how drained I felt... no wonder. Mike warned me against some people I might meet at the bookstores in town where I get my supplies. He said that people even came there to prey upon those who were actually doing the 'praying'...doing the work. They are lazy. They want the benefits without the work, and don't realize that those kind of stolen benefits never stay for long. At least I think that was the gist.

Mike pointed out to me that twice I had said I shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater, meaning to me, not to abandon my spiritual practice, just because I got a hard lesson or two. Isn't that what I asked for? To learn? And he reminded me: 'Chop Wood, Carry Water.' Yes, all of these great gifts are nice, but come back down to earth, and live in the here and now. Don't try to escape through alcohol, drugs, astral traveling, being dreamy...he even said sure, the weed is helping your mood swings, but it still weakens your aura. If you've found another way through chanting to stop the mood swings, then do it. Let the weed go. It's harder than I thought, because it HAS worked for me, but even H., whose primary intentions seemed to have changed to ill, said I should quit. I know I feel so healthy not drinking.

But life in 'reality' is hard. I even agree with a certain someone who said that I was choosing the wrong pill between the red and the blue, like in the Matrix. How odd to think that a movie was real, but he did. And even though, other things he said were very, very fucked up...that one was true. It seems to be about sifting through the bullshit to get at the truth. It's harder to do with some people.

I seem to still be having trouble listening to my intuition, still. Mike told me that I had so much power, so much I didn't even know. He had been so kind to my friend whose stomach was upset, and was being very kind to me. Mike followed me to my exit, but then I decided to go to the grocery store, and ended up meeting some dudes with ill intent. Mike warned me. He told me to be careful. He said it was a full moon. He said that I was not as grounded right now as I could be, and that the wrong people could easily get inside my aura. I didn't listen.

I suspect this was another lesson. Maybe the next time someone gives me good advice, even sage advice, even prophetic advice, I hope I'll listen. I hope I will trust the right people, and stop trusting the wrong ones. I know this, I trust my practice now more than ever, and I am sorry I ever threw my mala beads on the floor, and turned my back on the statues at my altar. I'm not keeping track of the signs I am being given. I'm not sure what they are... maybe I need to use my gift of verbosity to write more detailed descriptions of the things I see in my private diary. I guess now, hives means: go no further. For Namadeva, crows were a warning sign. I just wish that my 'warning signs' were outside my body, and not so physical.

Anyway, the only way that H. is getting his book back, is if we meet inside a church. Not because I am affiliated with any church, but a few that I have been inside are so full of beautiful energy that anything dark wouldn't want to be caught in the light, and exposed for what they are. Some churches, however, are full of darkness. I've met people drawn to the dark side who will go right up to the front doors of a church filled with light and that good kind of thick silence, not the hollow, echoing kind; but not be able to walk inside. They hover on the outer edges, drawn to the light, but afraid of it. I am, however, walking the edge, I could go either way... He'll have to meet me in the narthex of the Episcopalean church, and then he can have his book. I don't feel like getting hives again. I expect I believe in God at this point, or at least the Holy Spirit, and I want it there by my side.

All those names for Mother Mary, they sound like the names of Shakti. Just my humble opinion.

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Jul 24, 2005.