Reading Bunk's journal

(Edit: This post is no longer necessary. Thank you to everyone who replied in support. I've realised though that it's my perogative to move forward and build on this.)

You're here, aren't you? You're talking to me, aren't you?

This post was edited by Bunk on Feb 25, 2006.

This may sound strange, even stupid right now, where you are, but where you are is a really good place to be. And nessiary.
I'm sure you're looking at this and thinking how can this be good or even nessiary.
And you may think I've lost my mind in all of this.

But, my friend, I haven't. It's a good place to be because from here you can see what you can change and want to change and what you can't.
So many people who's lives are going on and see themselves a certian way and feel like they have their shit together and can handle everything often don't see the things they need to.

You've got a great view of it all right now. This is one of the most important places that happen in a person's life, however painful it may be.
The bottom is not the worst place. I've dug dirt under the bottom and being one who can option and think my way through things to figure something out, digging dirt sucks.

Right now in your life it's time to find out who you are, not according to co-workers, they don't live in your skin, not according to parents, they see you somewhere in a mixture of the past and can stero-type you there.
But you get to figure out who you are, how you like your eggs, as it were.

I don't judge anything by co-workers or anyone just passing through as it were.
They don't take care of anything in my life.
I do. I have to live in my skin. Face me and look at the good stuff as well as the shit.
And it's the same with you. Having or not having a girlfriend doesn't define who you are, who you are inside does.

Let me tell you what I know about you. From what you've written, I see a strong intellegent young man who likes to win, and hates to fail.
And failing gets under your skin and makes you crazy. You work hard, and at times are afraid to let people get too close because they won't see the perfect immage that you want to see...in a word you are a driven perfectionist.
That you can change to a point.
Sometimes you gotta just do your best and say that's enough.
Give yourself permission to be less than this thing in your head that runs around like a esspresso driven mouse going "Gotta do more, gotta be the best, gotta be perfect"
That mouse is fucked. And it dosen't have to rule your life.
Do your self a favor and force your self to relax. You'll get less gray hair and less stomach problems if you do.

The next time there is a kick ass sunset, just go out and watch it happen, and take delight in how beautiful it is.
Give your self permission to laugh at you, and how not so perfect things can be.

You can't make a beautiful anything with out the mess. Even forging silver or gold gets messy.
And ya know what? It's ok.
Depression will come, it happens in life. What do you think a midlife crisis is about?
A person who has had things in their life a certian way for so long comes across a time in their life when they are forced to stop and look at everything and the same questions rise up, is this all there is, is this all I am, am I really like this, and all the other things that slam humans around, and they get depressed and rather than let what needs to be done in their life done, they apear to go nuts to everyone around them.
They don't have a clue who the hell they are and how they truly like their eggs.
How you like your eggs is this, just in case your wondering what eggs has to do with anything, the eggs in this case is what you like based on you, not on the influences or preferences of anyone else.
In other words, get to know who you are.

If you find that you are basing what your doing, the clothes your wearing, the music your listening to on what everyone else thinks you should be liking and doing, then your going to fall and fall alot.

By the way, my white star is gone too. And ya know what? I don't care. It doesn't keep me from writing here, and it doesn't make me loose sleep.
It's just something that happened. And it really, in the end, dosen't change anything.

One other thing to remember, every living thing goes through seasons in life. It's the same for humans. Sometimes all depression is an indicator of is a time of winter in a person's life.
We, those of us who do and do and do, have a hard time with stopping, and sometimes life says stop, and we regard it as a time of failure.
It isn't. It's just a quieter time. That's all.

This will pass, this depression. I know it's hard, but it will pass. My experience tells me that it will. So you can do two things here, beat yourself up, or learn who you are, and learn how to change what you can, and try something new. It's completely up to you.

Don't feel alone. The majority of the human race has felt the way you feel at some time to some degree; the very same hopeless, helpless, worthless feeling. It's a vicious cycle, but you're looking at things from the wrong angle. Depression warps perception, remember that. It can make your thought process snowball (id est, no one at work likes me and I don't have a girlfriend, so I must not be worthy of getting a girlfriend, and if that's the case then I may as well just kill myself...). I know of one person who said that he tried everything in his power to not think about killing himself after he failed a test in college. His thought process was, "If I failed this test, I'm going to fail the class, and then I'll fail college so I won't get a decent career, and if I don't have money then I can't provide for my family so I'm going to end up alone and poor eventually anyway so I might as well die."

Do you see how unnatural that is? There are physical ways you can avoid it if it's to a heavy extent. Don't eat sugar, don't drink caffiene, avoid processed foods altogether, get at least one hour of exercise every day (outside, it helps), drink plenty of water. Perhaps a mild anti-depressant would help. Don't stay inside all the time, keep yourself relatively busy. If you reach a really low point and your safety is in jeopardy and you start to lose control of yourself, perscriped breathing helps tremendously. Take ten deep breaths, holding each for twelve seconds. It doesn't sound like it would work, but it's phenomenal.

I don't know if any of that would help you, I'm just telling you what I've done myself to feel better. You should never lose confidence in yourself. All you're guaranteed until you die is yourself. The human body is a universe on its own... it's intricate and amazing and you should never take it for granted.

Post scriptum: in reference to the stars, I'm glad I lost a couple of white ones. Too much pressure. I feel more human now. Haha.

For my next trick, I shall make you all disappear.

This post was edited by Stoic_Slaughter on Jul 04, 2005.

Thank you both. Those were real points you have made, and reality is what i crave right now. That's all i have to say. When i come back for more, it will be with more.

I did have to hit rock bottom, if only to give me something solid to stand upon. (Heh... At least i can still write)

You're here, aren't you? You're talking to me, aren't you?

Please accept my profuse apologies, Bunk. I didn't see your post. I've been so busy, I've only logged on a little these days. I hope the depression has waned like the moon since the 3rd. Well, truth be told, it's been waxing since the 7th, so I guess I should hope that your mood has been waxing happier since the 6th.

At any rate, I would suspect after reading what harold_maude had to say, that just reading her words were uplifting. She's pretty much had that affect on me. Her words are like balm for a wound, and the one thing I kept thinking was: If you could just see the sunset from the window over Forest Park here...find a rooftop and watch...sans alcohol. Worst depressant in the fucking world. And you know what? Harold_maude suggested watching a sunset. Go figure. Simplification of misery to it's core is a gift she has and has given to you and everyone else that read this...

And the bit about the 'crazed espresso driven mouse' made me fall out of my chair; albeit, it needs to be glued back together anyway, because that is the second time it broke, but nonetheless, that image precipitated the experience of falling... which was really grounding...heh.

I read what Stoic_slaughter had to say as well, and I can't agree more. No sugar, no alcohol, plenty of water, exercise, air, sunshine, and breathing exercises. I'd add that once you do those things, your body may start to detox, and paradoxically things might get worse. They might not too. It's a process. The sunshine is absolutely crucial. I'll vouch for that, being a confirmed nightowl, I must get my daily dose by the window, or in the park.

I'd also add that the breathing exercise she mentioned derives from yogic breathing techniques at its core, and it is in effect clearing your body of negative energy. Literally. There is one more thing I'd add on the exercise front. It is recommended by several branches of yoga to either stand on your head (which not everyone can do...admittedly), OR to bend over and touch your toes. Breathing into the stretch, and gently letting your muscles loosen, letting go of the attitude of perfectionism, especially since no one is looking... and holding said stretch for at least two minutes. Very good for releaving depression.

Everyone has had great advice. And I'm kinda glad you posted this, because I periodically get so frustrated with how slow progress is at times, that I have my little depressive bouts. And when they come, the body wants to just give up, and go with the flow of chaos, confusion and destruction. I feel it from time to time, like I used to so often. But having made the changes that Stoic_slaughter and harold_maude suggest, it is no longer as severe as it once was.

I'd venture that medication can sometimes be nothing more than a bandaid, though. The pain is there for a reason, as harold_maude says. This is your opportunity to find out how much you like yourself without letting other people's false opinion of you take precedence. You come across here online as a really funny guy, who is kind-hearted, perfectionistic and somewhat shy. Shy people get so much unnecessary flack, and they are usually the kindest people. People who move through the world with social finesse don't generally seem to understand that the rest of us don't have that charisma naturally, and it's a gift to some, and a cultivated trait to others...

AND, people, when they aren't watching what they are doing, can be like a pack of wild dogs picking on the weak one. Some, even cultivate it into a philosophy of life, a la twisted Nietsche quotes, and move in for the kill, because they think people who feel pain, or stumble are not fit for public consumption. I say Phooey! By breaking, your heart is giving you an opportunity to heal the rawest places in your soul, that people who judge you for your weaknesses don't have. Compassion for them is what works, not despair that they don't understand. And yet, that 'space of compassion' is no fucking picnic to reach...

Again. I am so glad I caught this post. I was slipping into a funk that could have gotten really nasty, myself. I was so angry and hurt at some of the recent turn of events, that I had a hissy fit and threw my mala beads (for chanting) on the ground, and turned my back, quite literally, on my statue of Kuan Yin, the goddess of compassion who hears the cries of the world, both laughter and crying. Metaphorical or real, whatever suits you. But I was crying through my chanting with great gobs of snot running down from my nostrils, and I felt alone for the first time in three months. I was like a little kid and a bitter adult all rolled into one. I basically did the "La,la, la, la, I'm not listening to you" thing. You know, and that's when the next person who touches your shoulder can get the brush off, and if they give up trying to reach you... you slip into the pit of despair. Atrophy.

But you can't let your muscles go. You have to build yourself up, and not give up. Your boldness in admitting your more than funky mood, made me reassess where I was before it got worse. Thank you. Good luck to you too. :-) You are a dear friend, and I wish for your pain to be lifted.

Oh, and screw the fucking white stars. Bullshit anyway... ;P

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Jul 14, 2005.

Nothing like a fine dose of fresh oxygen.

My ego is chopped, minced and discarded. I'm working towards a state of more honesty, more reality and more action. I had neglected this community, because I allowed myself to be drawn in to what other people wanted me to be. There's revelation #1. But it helped a lot to declare it... and then to have people provide insight about it that allowed me to see certain aspects of my situation that I was blind to.

There really was only one person at work who had it in for me. The rest simply deferred to his will, because that's the kind of person he is. I resisted him at first, but under his pressure I weakened and became withdrawn, alienating me from my other co-workers. But I didn't quit the job. And over the last few day, I worked hard, and managed to really improve my standing with my boss and co-workers. I am a good hard worker, god damn it. Even the guy giving me shit thought I was funny.

And then I quit. Not because of my issues, but because of his. This man is no schoolyard bully. He is truly violent and dangerous, even in a work situation. But the boss is determined to straighten him out, so he's giving him responsability and cutting him every break. A noble attempt, but I'm not going to be a part of it. And there were other ridiculous elements... which I will post about in a minute.

Don't get me wrong... there are still things about my life I want to change now. I was sitting still, being complacent and out of it. I definitely agree about the excercise and keeping busy. No meds though. Even if it was still that serious.

Thanks for your concern, and taking notice (stuff gets lost sometimes, I know it well). There's nothing like talking openly to help a situation, and to put things back into perspective.

You're here, aren't you? You're talking to me, aren't you?

This post was edited by Bunk on Jul 15, 2005.

Im not going to write this whole long reply about what you wrote. And the people above me probably said the same thing that im about to say: But the only way to go now is up. You realize your faults, and thats a really good thing. You have not fallen, my bear, you've tripped. And now you're waiting for someone to help you up.
~Ashley~

:Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle: