Reading Current Events

This post was deleted by request of the author.

I should be ashamed of myself.

This post was edited by Aynjell on Jul 27, 2005.

I knew I wasn't _THAT_ tired last night. Wow, everony sucks. The whole lot of ya'. Saqqara is lying and backstabbing, rosyxxx is freaking insane, and I'm the bad guy.

This is the only statement I'm going to concern myself with publicly, because it's painting a picture of me which I don't like. Lying and backstabbing, Aynjell? No. When you asked me if I had spoken to rosyxxx on MSN, before you had gone to bed, I hadn't. That's the honest truth. As I've told you before, I have no need to lie, nor do I about such petty things.

After you left from our convo, I decided to talk to rosyxxx about you, because I don't want to see this huge fight that is still raging. Even she can verify that I didn't speak to her until you left. If speaking to her makes me a lying backstabbing person, then, I suppose I am. But understand this. When you asked if I had spoken to her, I had not. Please don't assume things, it puts you in a world of hurt.

Also understand this about me: anything you have told me that you've asked not to be told to anyone else, I carry to my grave. It hurts to know that you think of me like I'm some little child, running to tattle the first thing I hear, as if I was some gossipy bitch that runs around, telling the whole town everyone else's business other than her own. I said nothing rosyxxx did not know and will continue to remain that way.

I think you need reflect back on this in the third person, Aynjell. You had a good many friends before this outburst, whether it's how you truly feel or not. Some of the things you said I don't agree with, but as I told you, opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one, and they usually stink. I don't consider you not a friend, even though we disagree on this issue. Whatever personal demon you are railing against here, that has given you such rage, take a moment and look at it. Think about it. You haven't been yourself for about a month now. I've noticed it, rosyxxx has noticed it, and I'm quite certain if you ask the others around you everyday, they will have noticed it as well. Take a moment to reflect, that's all I'm asking.

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts."

This post was edited by Saqqara on Jul 27, 2005.

This post was deleted by request of the author.

I should be ashamed of myself.

Fine. Apparently, I indirectly called you a sociopath without meaning to, and I regret that. I came to the conclusion that you were NOT a sociopath. I even repeatedly said that you weren't after the conflicting statement I made, which could be construed as calling you one if you wanted to stretch it. Apparently, I also made a stretch with thinking you were calling me a whore, a harlot, and a lesbian...but you were calling somebody those things, weren't you? Weren't we both doing the same thing? So, it seems that we both have made stretches in what we believe the other has said about us. Everything I said directly, or indirectly I have apologized for...repeatedly...no less. While you continue to call me "schizophrenic", "crazy", "confused", and "psychotic".

Apparently you have no intention of apologizing for any of that, ever. You apparently believe it...and who am I to dissuade you, Aynjell? Though, I'm not the person you met last fall. I'm just someone who has been fucked with alot in the very recent past, and I am scared. But I don't have to have an apology from you to say unconditionally that I am very sorry that I hurt you.

Aynjell, James I never mentioned anything that you didn't say publicly, I don't think. I was very careful not to mention the details of your past. I tried very hard, while at the same time trying both to reach you with what I was saying; as well as defending your accusations against me, and your name-calling. You've told me a lot, more than you probably remember. And yet you seem to want me to cover up what you did say here online. And your way of trying to make me do just that seems to be to call me "crazy" just to protect yourself. That's using me as a 'shield', which you said that you would do, but why do you want to do that?

I was hurt too, deeply, and intended to post everything that I said and much, much more...but had a change of heart. I tried to rewrite the post, and ran out of time. I saw how my anger was just all over the page. I was very disappointed in myself. I saw through some of the ego stuff I had going on right away...forgive me if I didn't see it all. As far as Saqqara, she only confirmed that you had said those things to more than just me. She didn't forsake you...but you seem to be holding such impossibly high standards for your friends.

But me apologizing to you, doesn't fix the real issue. The real issue is getting obscured by this brouhaha between you and me. The real issue is that you were using an awful lot of vitriol, rage, bile, and nastiness to express your opinion before I even happened on the scene. Like I said on the pager, stating your opinion is fine, but not attacking people. I don't have to be a saint to have good advice. And just because I too slipped, doesn't mean that you weren't being really negative to people. Two wrongs don't make a right.

If you've come to terms with the past, I congratulate you! I didn't know that. The last time I talked to you about that stuff you were still hurting over it. Your poem and your words that follow it express that, as well as everything you said to me. And I think I've done my best to maintain your confidence, though it is a huge burden to shoulder. I can be your friend, Aynjell, but I can't take any more of this. Not unless I go back to being the person I was, which I did for a second...and I won't do it again. This toxicity is awful. I've spent too much time trying to explain things. I'm both sad that this has happened and worried that it might not ever end. I don't have anymore to give right now, maybe later.

I care about you, but I can't be your punching bag anymore. If I keep letting you do that to me, while I am learning new habits...I might go back to the old ones. And I don't want to, so I'm not forsaking you, but I can't do THIS anymore. I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't, with you. If I try to be kind, I appear to be taking the 'moral high-ground' and inciting your ire. If I fight fire with fire, then I become a "schizophrenic", "crazy", "confused", and "psychotic". What else is left to say? Your words are like Ice. Your hatred is apparent. If I take up the weapons I need to fight them, I will be doing everyone a disservice. I abdicate. I am sorry for my part in this, and I wish that it had never happened.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Jul 28, 2005.

This post was deleted by request of the author.

I should be ashamed of myself.

This post was edited by Aynjell on Jul 28, 2005.

As I stated before, you are all so open, you are closed to closed mindedness, and trust me, that's not a good thing. You missed my opinions (which were hard and fast, not attacking), and immediately beleived I was attacking rosyxxx, or whomever else got offended. I really do belive all of you missed the point.

Hm hm. I actually wanted to write some post that would've tried to effect kind of a compromise. But then the waves went higher and higher, so I just followed this thread, hoping someone else would do that or at least see the same I saw. Obviously that wasnt see, else it wouldnt have ended all in tears.

.. and i guess someone with a christian view on life is bad. That's what I've learned from this thread. Oh well...

There are christians and christians. The first half is believing in God, the other half is forcing God upon others. Choose your half. I prefer folks of the first half. They're not fanatic. Improper treatment in the past can lead to fanatism.

Hey, maybe we're too European for you? ;)

just my .02 cents about this.
cu, w0lf.

NP: Torment - Chainsaw Massacre

beards are cool. every villain has one!

I do see your point about 'compromise', and I believe I would have been willing to do so...in fact, I did so, sort of...right here. And I meant it. I heard Aynjell's opinion, and I stated mine as well...without attacking or calling people names, or saying they should be killed, or whatever else he said. At least...that's what I set out to do, at first. I specifically said that he was entitled to his own opinion, and that wasn't lip service from me. It was the name-calling of anyone that got me...and so what did I do, eventually? Stoop to the level, just after someone congratulated me for not doing it. Ironic, huh?

I kept pointing out, I'm pretty sure, that he was entitled to his opinion, but that it wasn't WHAT, he was saying, it was HOW he was saying it. And then, basically, I was stupid enough to show by example. *laughs*

But, I'm not crying over this. I just said I can't take that kind of verbal abuse anymore, and that if I continued to communicate with him, for now, I would be in danger of being abusive to him, again, as well. Once, I did that, he stopped directing his ire at me, and directed it back at the entire NAO.

And by the way, there were plenty of other people adding their two cents, besides us.

Aynjell is still my friend, as far as I am concerned. I don't think anything I said could be construed as me saying that he wasn't. I just said I don't have anymore to give him right now. And I have a right to say 'no more', and to say that I will be here, still, when things cool off. That's not tears. That's being smart about it. And it is respecting my own limits.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Jul 29, 2005.

I'm not schizophrenic. And you shouldn't lie. It's not nice. People can look up some of your past posts from way back, and see that you had a history of at least some kind of abuse.

Yeah, ain't that the truth. Google my name and you'll find all kinds of stupid shit. I can't take it back, I really am that lame. Wish I could change but I can't get on the servers and delete the old shit, it's there for everyone to look at. I am that shallow, I really have nothing to say and I wish I did but I don't. I will never be what I wish to be, I will never have much to say, never be that *cool* blogger and never have that *status* as it were...

Oh well...

I might add that I think we had agreed to disagree until some people stirred the flames again. And I really don't think it was either ginsterbusch or Orchid who did that. I'm not naming names, but something stinks here. It stinks to high Heaven. I smell a rat.

If the person you are referring to is me then I apologize for stirring the flames. What I am not sorry for; however, is standing up for what I believe in without succumbing to words filled with complete hatred for any other human being regardless of their beliefs, and/or sexual orientation.

I might not understand why Aynjell feels so compelled to convey such excessive, abusive emotions about this subject and I probably never will, but at this point I don't even care. That might be the only way inwhich he knows how to express his true feelings... With this in mind, next time I won't take his words so close to heart.

I said in a past post that I would never involve myself in any type of controversial conversations again. I failed. I am sorry too if I offended anyone. I cannot change the opinion of others, I already know this, so I won't try to.

When you think about it, this conversation turned out to be completely pointless and didn't cause any kind of closure or understanding. Everyone's beliefs are still set in their minds, only now some friendships might be at stake.

I truely hope that Aynjell and Rosyxxx can reconcile their differences.

In closing, I will continue to live my life based on what I think is right, what I think is natural for myself and myself only, and what makes me happy.

This has truely been an experience that I wish to end.

Take care everyone.

NiQue, I feel that I owe you an apology for the vitriolic way that I pointed out how Aynjell had done his best to contains his harsh words after I first spoke to him, and that further incendiary comments didn't need to be added.

You were dealing with a number of incendiary people, not the least of which was me...I tried to do the right thing first, and then found that my old habits of being bitchy came out again. I tried to fix that as best I could. I wished that Aynjell would not have responded to your comments or anyone else's with all that hate, and had illusions that I could somehow stop that. I was wrong to be upset with you for adding your opinion, when you didn't know that the flames had just recently cooled. And even so, you had every right to say what you did.

I just knew it was shaky territory for him, and I wanted it to end. I wasn't sure why it wasn't ending. I saw the further posts on the subject as if people weren't able to see what had transpired and just wanted to incite riots. I know that isn't true, now. You just spoke up and voiced your objections. And you had every right to do so. And you did so assertively.

I, however, was trying to provide 'damage control', and in the process...ended up being controlling, AND causing more damage myself. *laughs painfully*

I slipped into the very oily pile of vitriol I was trying to avoid. I made a mistake. Please accept my apologies for what they are worth, and I guess maybe both of us probably won't be joining any more such conversations anytime soon. :\

Take care.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Jul 28, 2005.