Reading Prothonotary's journal

Well there isn’t a lot to talk about this time, but there is a lot I would like to talk about but I feel that there will be to many people that wouldn’t understand this information. So far the only people I have told this to is my brother, Bailey and a couple of close friends. Well here goes….

About eight months ago, I got in a relationship with a girl that I had met up here at the Byron Martin Advanced Technology Center. We went out during the school days for about two months and then one night she and I had sex. Well as you already can guess how this one comes out, she got pregnant. She hated me so much that she stopped coming to the ATC and severed all contact with me. About three months ago she called me up and told me that she had gotten an abortion after three months of her getting pregnant. She said that it was her idea and that her family stood behind her 100% on her decision. Of course I was devastated but after a while I figured I would try to get forgiveness for what I had done to her and her family. They all said that they would never forgive me and that I would burn in hell for my wrongdoing.

Well yesterday it was 6 months to the day that it had happened. It was tearing me up so much last Saturday that I thought about and tried to kill myself. Well as you can tell I did not go through with it. I had even written a poem when I was going to do it...

I need a break from it all,
I want it all to end,
The pain,
The memories,
The suffering,
The sickness,
The death,
The anguish.
I need a break from the world.
A break from my feelings
A break from my life
A break from myself.
Pain is the only thing that helps me now,
That takes me away from reality,
Away from it all,
Away from my past wrongs,
Away from the mistakes I have made,
Away from what I have done to other people,
Away from the lives I have ruined,
Away from the lives that could have been,
Away from the LIFE that could have been.
If I end it now, everything will be fine,
There will be no more pain or memories to haunt me
I won’t be living life with this burden hanging over my head,
Constantly weighing me down, tugging at my heart.
If I end it now, everything will be made right…
If I end it now, maybe then I can see the one I killed,
If I end it now, maybe I can finally let go and feel at peace,
If I end it now…If I end it now……

The only thing that kept me from doing it was that I could not do that to Bailey or my family and leave them.

Well I know that I have a lot of people that love me very much because when I talked to them about the way I felt I was continuously told that if I killed myself they would greatly miss me and that if I really did off myself , that they would bring me back and kill me themselves. I still feel like shit when I think back on that but I figure that I have enough friends and family that can help me through this.

Alrighty, it is time for me to get off work… I shall hopefully be back next week. Please feel free to comment and talk. If you want to e-mail me send it to sdevries_777@yahoo.com or call me at 806.789.2502 (I really prefer people e-mailing me instead of calling)

l8rs
~Scott

Take a XANAX, calm down..put your feet on planet EARTH and be smart nstead ofthe sucker you might be

This post was edited by Prothonotary on Dec 08, 2005.

Needless to say, I am sorry for the pain you must have gone and still going through for what happened to you. It is always hard to accept something like that, and I can understand how devastated you must be.

I don't think that this thing can be analized in a rational way, but let's try even if for just a minute. Let me first state that the loss of a baby-to-be must be horrible, and I certainly cannot wish something like that to happen to anybody. However, I am sure that the decision must have been hard for your girlfriend. What I don't understand and I totally don't agree with is that she started to hate you for that, instead of looking for your support for the thing that you two were going through.

I assume that you two cannot be very old, and maybe she was scared of what would have happened to her: her body changing, and a baby she couldn't have possibly been responsible for feeling still a child herself. Maybe having sex was the wrong thing to do, even though it seemed right back then. I have always thought that you shouldn't really have sex if you cannot withstand the possible consequences. And it is more than evident that she wasn't ready; probably you were, but certainly she wasn't.

Since the first time I did it with my now fiancee and soon husband, I knew that if something had happened we would have kept the baby and would have always supported each other like a real family (even though we weren't a family legally yet). And sometimes we did pretty stupid things, that could have caused me to get pregnant...

There have been moments of terror and despair thinking about how stupid we had been, but of course we have always been lucky so far. After those moments of despair, we were thinking that if it had happened, well it would have been our baby and we would have never abandoned him, even though we knew and know perfectly that having a baby now would be quite inconvenient.
I think that this is the kind of maturity people should have when they approach to having sex. You have to do it knowing the 'risk' and also knowing that you can't just do it without thinking, strong of the fact that you can always have an abortion later.

What I can say to you right now is exactly what I feel you should do. You should forget about those people; they are jerks for treating you like that. They have totally forgotten that certain things are done by two people, and not by just one. She was as much responsible as you were, and I hope you realize that, because it would be so bad for you to feel guilty about something that she contribuited to do too.
I don't know how the thing back then went, but if you weren't using any protection, well she should have been the one to stop you. It is very easy to blame you for everything, but that's not how this thing should have been handled.

I think that you should be glad of not having to deal with those people again, and I think that you shouldn't keep trying to get their forgiveness. And besides, forgiveness for what? For getting her pregnant? If she had actually had the baby, both of you would have been responsible for him/her, and she wouldn't have been the only one to be stuck with it or to see her life totally changed. However, I might understand why she wanted an abortion, but what I am totally against is the fact that she didn't consult with you beforehand, and she took a decision without even listening to your opinion.

She wasn't the right girl for you, and you should be glad that in the end you're not related to her somehow anymore. My suggestion to you is to open your heart for a new love to come and take place into it, and next time you feel like having sex with your girlfriend you two should be smart and conscient about it. This means taking precautions, but also being responsible about it and aknowledge the 'risk' you might then encounter.

Un bacio è un'apostrofo rosa scritto tra le parole "ti amo".

I have a few things that I would like to say about all of this...hopefully they will help.
First, it takes two to get someone pregnant. It's not right to lay blame completely on one or the other person.
Both of you had an active part in the process. And both of you knew what could happen. But chose not to do anything to stop or prevent something neither of you were ready to face or be responsible for.
Well, you found out that you would have loved to have another person smaller than you a huge part of your life..i.e. being a parent.

Second, it was her choice to get an abortion, not yours. You weren't given a chance to voice your feelings or what you wanted, and that's not right.
This was your child, part of you as well.
Seems to me, Scott, that you got something taken away from you big time.
And for them to blame and accuse you of being someone who distroyed their family is not only wrong it's down right cruel.

And finally, I'm so glad you didn't commit sucide. She isn't worth that. From where I sit, she isn't worth the dirt you walk on.
No person who refuses to carry responsiblity for their actions, but instead chooses to put all the blame for said actions and the choices that follow on someone else is not worth much.

She will have to deal with what she has done.
Trust me on this, it will come. And when it does, she will suffer greatly. And the really nasty part of that suffering is that you can't make it go away.

You'll carry this with you, and grieve, which is something you need to do.

But time will pass and your broken heart and wounded soul will find healing.
I'm glad your still here.

I am sorry you had such a thing happen.

I recently voiced my opinions on sex, and had them removed for good reason. I will say this much:

It takes two. The only way they can lay blame is if the was against the idea. If she was for when you finally did it, she is just as much to blame.

I think this anger is more or less with themselves. See, I'm not sure where I stand on abortion. Christians say birth, but christians also said to keep the late schaivo alive, when she had a worsening condition and had no chance of revival, they said keep her alive. Let her suffer... But in the rael world, in the natural world she'd had already perished... So, in truth, because christians say abortion is wrong don't make it so. And they of all people talking about hell, they had an abortion! Hypocracy! See, I don't know what I beleive, but I know what christians beleive...

And you know what, you got caught up in the moment. It happens to the best of us mortals. I mean, consider some of the best men in the world, and even in the christian bible. There was no shortage of adulteration.

Here's my big thing for you, though: You made a mistake. Killing yourself won't solve it, and I doubt it'd make the parents of the girlfreind any happier or sadder (if that's what you are after). It only lessens your chances of ever making it right, or even having a relationship with a girl worth having sex with.

I dunno, catch me online again, protho. We'll talk... providing I'm there. :) Should be here all day tuesday. :)

I should be ashamed of myself.