Reading rosyxxx's journal

I'll say this: someone else is reading a very long e-mail...maybe. But I think I should make some mention of the fact that things are a little rocky right now, though I expect it to pass.

So here goes...this is REALLY how I feel today:

You know lately, I've usually been so chipper. I know in my heart of hearts I am making progress, but the things I find most intolerable about myself are glaring at me like shards of glass spread out all over the floor between me and the door, and I have no shoes to get across. As far as my chanting practice...this apparently is supposed to happen if you chant to Kali for help. She is supposed to rip everything wide open. She is the path to change that happens quickly, but she does it by exposing everything you don't want to see about yourself, your life, and those around you.

I'm sure there are some people who think they have done just that for me in my life, but I think there is a distinct difference in opening my eyes to what needs to change about me, versus shoving my face into a pile of shit and misery, and making me pay for every insight with sex. At least Kali only requires the discipline of commitment to chanting. At least in my undistorted book.

There are no human sacrifices here. No animal sacrifices. No drinking of blood, or anything else that gets woefully attributed to Kali, by the miscreants who have treated the lore surrounding Kali like it were a cult. She's just the idea of the ruler of time, and everything I have ever hidden from myself because I couldn't bear seeing it is rushing forward like a freight train. It's definitely disruptive. I hope I will make it through. If she is destroying everything on the battlefield, then when my heart is finally like that of a helpless baby's, I expect she will raise her foot in a mock attempt to crush me, and then stick out her tongue playfully.

I don't want to chant today, but I am doing it anyway. I've had so many days like this...and perserverance is what gets me through. It's mostly what gets me through.

It doesn't help though, that my birthday and my sister's birthday are looming large in the near future...hers on the 25th of next month, and mine on the 28th. I'm not sure I want to see her either. I already told my father that I don't want to arrange a 'birthday meeting' through him. Last year was too awful for words. The air was so taught with dislike that the very molecules holding up the veil of Maya could have shattered and splintered into a thousand tiny pieces. Maybe they did. And maybe one of the shards fell in her eye, like it did in Kay's in Hans Christian Andersen's The Snow Queen. Or maybe she just thinks I am too much of a grown woman not to either have my shit together, or to have babies as an excuse for not having my shit together...like her. The truth hurts for both of us...but I'd rather face my truth without her bad attitude. Even Kali's painful truths come with some amount of compassion.

I just hope that the other people in my life who are presenting me with the few truths about me that haven't come rushing in this month on their own, are doing it with compassion in their hearts, and not meanness.

I don't need people in my life who can only tell me the truth while relishing every bit with jealousy, and hoping that I'll lose what little I do have. Not the twentysomethings at work, nor the people whom I sincerely hope are really my friends. I need people who can be honest and care at the same time.

I've had enough of the above.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Aug 25, 2005.

I can offer little in response to this, only that I hope that Kali can shine on you as I have seen her do on so many others before. Her power is great and her means are direct, but they work to get us where we need to be.

Dude, she is kicking my butt! I debated for a long time about whether to even go near her...but then last week I was very worried by a dream I had had, and didn't want to think about whether it was some kind of warning. At the same time, I figured, there was danger lurking again, and I pulled out all the stops to her and Durga/Chamundi, like I should have done a long, long time ago. I didn't use the 'big doozy of a mantra', but still.

My practice is not what it should be, but it is still there. I am still doing it. I never miss a day. Ever. 1 1/2 - 2 hours everyday, depending on whether I chant slow or fast, or if I am doing all the preamble mantras.

Right about now, I have finished it for today, and yet, I keep finding my mind repeating the 'Om Mani Padme Hum' mantra subconsciously. I hear myself silently reciting it, like a song stuck in my head. Not sure what that means either.

Anyway, I greatly appreciate the sentiment and the encouragement. Thank you. And now, for my next trick, I am going to make some pizza disappear, a la Stoic_Slaughter's recent tagline.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

Hey there.
Family, the kind that isn't by choice, can be the most uncomfortable people to be around.
Too much past and too many expectataions to get past so that it's possible to just spend time together and actually enjoy it.

I wish I had some magic pill to offer you so that the self and soul laying out would be easier, but there isn't.
In reality, this is a good thing.
It's good when it happens, gives a person to clean house so to speak.
The choice is always do we want to or not.

This may give you some comfort though, alot of people here, including me, are going through the same kind of thing.
We are getting to see what's inside of us and what needs to be gotten rid of and at the same time there is also the good stuff that you get to see.
Everybody's stuff is different.

Be patient with yourself my friend. The meditation is a good thing.
That's the gift you give yourself everyday.
Good gift.

hugs

Thank you for your support, and the e-mail you sent. It's nice to feel cared about. I also hear what you are saying about needing 'space to yourself'. Some people, like you and I, recharge in moments when we are alone. Others, seem to recharge more in the company of others. I think I do both...but I find that if too many people are around me for too long, I get antsy. Ants in my pants...whatever. ;P

I have to have time to curl up under the covers and read a book...but it is particulary a good 'recharge' if I can do that in late summer evenings when the cicadas are humming, in early spring mornings when the birds are chirping, in fall when the leaves are rustling and the wind is sweeping through the trees, or in winter, when that quiet snow-blanketed hush falls...

If I had a roommate who had to have me constantly aware of what she was doing, or tried to talk to me while I was in the bathroom with the door shut, or continually invaded my bedroom, I think I would have to scream. I need someone who can chill. And the more I think about it, this dog thing, though I like him...is not likely going to work out. Every once in a while, sure...but regularly, daily...I'll be hell to deal with away from home. Then again, I might become a workaholic just to get away from the dog. I think I am doing well to enjoy Dutch's presence on occasion. It's a step. But, I am beginning to think maybe it is for the best that it looks like she might not be able to move in anyway. Back to the drawing board.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.