Reading harold_maude's journal

Last night after I clocked out and was taking a bag of garbage to the dumpster, I noticed the manager was walking to keep up with me, and proceeded to tell me what I already knew was comming.
I knew on saturday when the feeling like I was sofocating hit me and stayed pretty much through my entire shift.

He told me that because business had been so slow in the evening that I was being cut.
I could see the writing on the wall weeks ago. After the owner helped his sons open this monstrosity and basicly signed the death warrent on his business.
Since the new store opened the place where I work has become a store house for the new store, and a place where massive prep work eats up time like a monster that is never satisfied.

Anyway, so I say to the manager "so is this my last night?"
This guy then says to me that I can finish the week out.
(the dog begging treatment here)
So I tell him, no I just won't come in anymore. And then he says well if we have any openings...and I reply no.

I'm pissed at the owner because he's told me so many times that I'm like the sister he never had, and that I'm family, and all this other bulshit, and doesn't have the respect or deciency to pull me aside before I started my shift, or even last night when I went to pick up the other half of me from the new store to talk to me then.
He tells the person I'm picking up that I won't have to come in on monday, that the day crew will handle things.
I was insulted.
The other reason I'm pissed off is this man, the owner is selling out for money.
He's got a wonderful reputation as making great food, and he's throwing it down the toilet for money.
That is so fucked.

It's funny, but I happen to believe that when a person does a job that it's important to do the very best you can.
It's a standard of integrety, and honor that no amount of money is worth.
If it was about the money for me I would never have taken the job in the first place.
It was about stepping into a new arena of learning, and doing something worth doing.
And this fucker, who is an artist in the kitchen is selling out.
The quality of the food used to be the best, now it's this crap that is only fit as dog or cat food.

When I go to pick up my check, if the owner is there, I will polietly tell him that I'm pissed at him because he made a big deal when he hired me that what he wanted from me was loyalty and honesty.
And I gave him that. I was never late. I went beyond the call of duty. I never wasted time by just standing around.
I got shit done.
And I did my best at everything I put my hands to.
And what does he do? He treats me like a dog and has his manager tell me.
No respect, no honor, no honesty.
He has completely lost his creditiblity with me.
Not that it will change anything in what he's doing. He's headed this wonderful little mom and pop store straight down the toilet, and that's a disgrace.
In this world where more and more everything from products to people are seen as disposable, to take something of real value and distroy it for the sake of money is disgusting and indecient.

A door is closed now. Another will open. There is work to be done.
Not the kind that ends up in a paycheck, but the kind of work that my life is about.
And if I don't do what it is that I was created to do, then my life will be a misery, and I'll have alot to answer for at the end of all things, and since I don't want to have to explain why I didn't do what my life was ment for in favor of doing things that don't matter and are trivial and pointless simply so I could surround myself with useless crap, I will move on to the next door, and when it closes I will move on again.
It's the way things are in my life.

Trying to explain this to people who only see so far is hard.
They don't understand why I see things the way I do.
And they are baffeled by this: I'm an excellent worker. What ever I put my hands to is always the best that I have to give.
And the jobs that I keep ending up in never last very long.

From the currant view of the world it makes no sense.
But that's not how all of this is ment to be viewed.
Each person has work to do. Their life means somthing in the great scheme of things.
The things they are ment to do are specificly their's to do.
They are given tools and equiped for the work ahead in life.
It makes up part of the natural flow of their life.

Problems arise when the flow isn't reconized or is ignored in favor of doing things that are momentary and pointless.
There is a bordom that exists and a disatisfaction that gnaws inside many people because they have no clue as to who they are and why they are here....the two biggest questions that come up and cause midlife crisis' to happen.
Is this all there is? What have I done with my life? Who the hell am I? What is the meaning of life? If I leave my life as it is now maybe it will be better...on and on and on.
When the answer is so simple....know who you are...learn why you are here.
Quiet and still yourself and find out.
And the idea of bordom will fade away. Because when you are doing what it is that you are ment to do, bordom has no place in your world.
It can't exist in a place with purpose.
It can't thrive in a place where everything has meaning.

I'm glad I know who I am. I'm glad I know my purpose. It dosen't make my frustration with the world less, and it dosen't make me grieve over stupid things people do any less deep.
But things will keep going on the way they have been for many many people and they will have mountians of regret at the end of their lives, and wonder why they couldn't see it before.

In reality I haven't lost anything of real value. All I lost with this was a paycheck. And that isn't anything to grieve over.
It's simply one door closing because another one is waiting to open. And that's the way it should be.
Time for change.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

This post was edited by harold_maude on Aug 31, 2005.