Reading harold_maude's journal

I just finished reading my previous journal entry, giving it some breathing space to see if I felt the same this morning after the bomb, so to speak, hit.
And yeah, the same view is present.

I thought about why I see things the way I do, and I keep comming to the same conclusion over and over.
My life, such as it is, keeps getting harder, stuffed deeper into a narrowing tunnel.
Things keep happening just in time to keep death at bay.
It's almost like what I get is just enough to keep me struggling harder and harder to the point where it is now.
If things keep going this way, it will be harder to live.
Due simply to the course of jobs dying out before there is even enough to make ends meet for any length of time.

The thoughts and my observing them, are on some other wave length. Nothing constricts them.
And my emotions are removed from those observations, in short they just come in, I see them and write about what I'm seeing.
Even the flow of them, is a process of unfolding.
Like someone is standing there showing me somthing and when I'm finished writing about that then the next thing is there.
I suppose it would be much like a reporter writing about an accident or an event.
The reporter is just there and their only connection to what they are seeing is based on them being there.

That's how my life and the overflow and all the thoughts and observations feel.
I can't find a better explaintion than this.

My life experiences and the things I've gone through that have given me the perspective I have are a different matter altogether.
And when I write about those it generally takes on a tone of what things are possible and what I've seen as the result of events or personal struggle.

I'm not sure there is any other way to look at all of this.
Maybe durring some sleep cycle I went somewhere and something happened that I don't remember, and that's why my head is on overload the way it is.
Maybe God decited that I should spend my life here as somekind of off the wall observer who's only means of communicating what their seeing is what I'm experiencing so that people who come along who need some missing puzzle peice so they can get further down the road would understand things in their life better, and it would take away some of the obsticles that they couldn't other wise get around.

What my experiences in life tell me is that I'm here for the sole purpose to help other people out.
My own desires, wishes, wants mean nothing.
If they did, I'm of a mind that the same things wouldn't keep happening to me the way they end up.
Something clicks into place, but it never lasts.
The only things that seem to last are the kinds of things that most people would look at and walk away from because of how bad or how worthless they ultimately are,
a job where everything you do get undercut because the manager is a control freak, and you don't get fired because you show up and keep trying to do your job.
A job where the insanity of the company is that the people in charge who are taking you and others who you work with have had no sleep for days and so puts you and everybody else in danger of being in some major life threatening accident.
And that job is never stopped or halted except by you.
A job where the hours you work push you beyond what's reasonable for human endurance and effectiveness, and it's never shut down or stopped until you are so exausted from the insanity of it all that you have two choices, either fall asleep at the wheel because you can't sleep anymore, or keep going and hope things get better.

And the stuff that keeps getting taken away are things you really enjoy, and find a nitch for and they don't run you through some over load physically or mentally.

Looking at this from a distance the conclusions I keep comming back to are the ones I've come up with...

I was going to edit my last entry, or delet it altogether, but it's still the same this morning.
And now on top of all of this, I'm fighting depression again.
I had a great and wonderful weekend, and I didn't get to enjoy it for several days because it got smashed to bits right after it happened.
The story of my life. Lost in reruns of the same same.

I really wonder if I'm not ment to be locked into some state of suffering because I'm a worthless human being that did lots of bad things, like being born into a very distructive and violent family, and now I'm having to spend the remainder of my life paying for being a bad human being...
this is hard to see any other way.
I can't find any other answers for why this keeps happening over and over.
I've tried looking at it from other places, but it all just ends up comming out the same.
And I'm to the point where I'm exausted beyond reason, but I see no change in the future, just a continueing routine of the same, only worse.

It's making it really hard to want to hang on to life, and not just check out.
Really hard.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.