Reading harold_maude's journal

I just finished reading a letter from my daughter. It was full of wonderful things.
I was happy for her, and her brother. And for their father.
He has this wonderful life.
I realize that none of this wonderful would have occured had I stayed.

When I left I never asked for anything. People told me I was crazy. But my thinking and belief on the subject was why should I?
I relinquished all rights to any property, and everything else for that matter. I felt like those things were never mine in anyway shape or form.
In fact, my view at the time was this: I felt like I should be paying him to live in his house.

So I left with my clothes, 3 blankets and a couple of pans some food that would help and about 600 dollars in my pocket that I had saved.

My life now, as it is, has been a lesson in learning that no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do to make a difference it's a moot point.
Anything good that I've said or thought, I believe has come from somewhere other than me.
I can't take credit for anything other than my screw ups.
And the decision I make on several occasions not to become a raging drunk.

The things of wisdom that I have written down have been like birds that have flown in some window in my head and I thought they were pretty cool so I just reported what I was seeing, I think that's why my head is on overload. The window is open 24/7 like a convinence store that stays open all year.

They come from somewhere else, and for what ever reason, I'm just bright enough to write about them.

If they did belong to me, generated from some brilliant hole in my head I think I would know it.
It would feel different when I would see them in my head.

So I've come to this conclusion, I'm dust in waiting.
That's all. That's it.
Bottom line.
I'm very sure there will be arguments to the contrary. But please if there are, kindly say nothing.
There is no point in trying to see what I can see from any other perspective.
The good things that do come arn't for me. I don't get to enjoy them, they are for other people.
I'm just a box, with a lid that someone comes and fills with stuff till it overflows.

I do know this, that who ever is filling the box with the good stuff is very very wise and very smart.
And if your amazed by anything, be amazed by this, that there is someone who would consider putting those things in this box so that they could be said.

I am convinced, by the course of my life, that this is right.
I'm only dust in waiting...that's all.

Okay. I'll be brief, and try to respect your wishes not to have sympathy. I think. You are a conduit for the divine, IMHO. You are like a lightning rod. Either that, or you just have bad days and good days. This sounds like a bad one. I wish I could give you a huge, big fat hug that squeezes all of the dark gray air out of you, so you can breathe in some light.

*blows wind your way* Here. Here is some of mine. Or rather, not mine, but what came my way too...and I am sharing it with you. Some magic dust, a spoonful of sugar...whatever you want to call it. Metaphorically speaking, you understand. But just as valid in my sentiments. You are like my sister. I want your pain to ease. I hope it does soon. I will think good thoughts for you, until this lifts, and probably...even after that- cause I generally do.

Love,
Heather

Take care and rest well when you can. Pet the kittens. Feed the ducks. Whatever else brings you joy.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

I've considered the possiblity that I'm loosing my mind.

Every time I turn around, anything good that falls into my hands is gone...
which makes me afraid to hold the kittens, especially little annie, she is so small, and so sweet...and I find myself worried that she is going to die in my arms, because I'm holding her. She has struggled for life ever since she was born, she weighs less than her sisters...and it wouldn't surprise me at this point if I picked her up and held her gently and she looked up at me and just died...
Something has hit...and I can't shake this one. It came in last night with that letter, and has slammed me hard and fast, and my head is a mess this morning...
i really wonder if im going completely mad...

On the one hand, I want to say that the depression is weighing you down like a brick. It's so hard, and so fast that it's just whipping you around like a crocodile at the bottom of the swamp, after he's pulled you down to kill you.

It's funny...yesterday, I took out my Milla Jovovich CD from 1994 (yes, the supermodel actually sings beautiful folk tunes...), and it is titled: The Divine Comedy. The picture is of a woman with a snake wrapped around her neck,and demons and scrawny skeletons pulling her down, while her hand reaches up to the angels. Heaven and Hell. Or...more like, Depression vs. Euphoria. I want to tell you that it will all be okay, that it is just the hand of depression reaching up from the grave...but I know you. Too well.

I'll be blunt, and say: fuck what anybody else thinks. If anyone thinks what I have to say is all a bunch of hogwash and hooey, then they should start digging into the other unused 90% of their brain, and talk about what they know about. I do. And so do you. I'm not about to hide that I know for a fact that clairvoyance, clairaudience, and clairsentience exist. People like Carolyn Myss, whom I have inadvertently met, and who is a 'medical intuitive', people like Laura Day, whose predictions are almost irrefutable, and my own experiences, and those of others like you are damned hard to dismiss as hogwash.

I think most humans are blind to what their minds are capable of, and they are scared of it as well... for good reason. What is happening to you is good reason. You see things, you feel things...your gut tells you. There is a case to be made for the fact that humans actually have something like a 'second brain' in the abdomen. I don't feel like debating this, and I know that I don't have to with you, Wendy. I know you know this better than even I. This message is to you, and no one else. Anyone who wants to argue these points would do well to argue with someone else...my mind isn't closed, I just don't feel like wasting my time trying to explain to people who just don't get it. It isn't my job to explain the world to everyone. But I think it might open some 'partially closed eyes' to read this, so I posted it. But it is for you, Wendy.

That said, I think what is happening to you, is that your intuition is warning you of things which may come to pass. You are supposed to tell people, but realize that in the very telling, you are changing the outcome. The fact that you don't keep it inside, is already changing things. You have the capacity to be a force for change, though clairsentience that you have right now is so strong, and so frightening that it is bogging you down.

I may be wrong, but I don't think so. Breathe in and out, and open your mind to what you are prompted to do from inside. Your heart, your gut will tell you, if you listen carefully, and try to quell the fear. The fear is what is eating you. Fear that you will lose everything that you touch, as you said, everything that you love. It doesn't have to be that way. Listen to your heart. It is there for you. Your heart is strong, and your will is stronger than you know. I believe in you, and I believe that you have been given a gift that is like a double-edged sword. The insights you get come in faintly sometimes, and because you can't see clearly, or hear clearly, or feel clearly, you freak out. It is understandable. All you can do is go into it, and listen a little closer. Go into the fear and be with it. Befriend it, and it will tell you its secrets.

And beyond that, I am here for you. The time has come, yet again, for me to be there for you, like you have been there for me. You know my number, call if you need it. My e-mail you know as well...whatever you write, I will read. Take care my friend.

My mind is made up...not like my bed, which is a mess.

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Sep 07, 2005.

I hope your right about this simply being a message of somekind.

What it did to me was almost throw me over the edge into an abyss.
It lessened last night, until my sister called, and her news was good.
There has been a door opened to her which will allow her to be able to live from her art.
Then among all the things she said, she says this to me, when things are going good, I want to get you down here, to where she lives in Savanah, because I know they would go crazy over your art here.
Down the road. Words. Words. Words. No substance, just wants and wishes and things that may never come.
And I found this anger rising up. The same kind of anger that has risen up when people tell me what I should be doing, but do nothing to help the process when they could.

My frustration exploded. I told her I'd had enough. That no matter how hard I try it ends up in failure, no matter what I say to someone who is sitting in front of me wanting answers changes the course they've already chosen in the heart.
Often what I've discovered about those encounters is that when they sit there and ask or just show up and things come out of my mouth that I had no idea were going to be said, that what it ends up doing is convincing them of what they already wanted to do, but I just happen to end up giving them a reason to rebel against any sense of reason what so ever.

I keep seeing it, again and again.

Knowing this doesn't releive me of the responsibity of doing what it is that I'm suppose to do, but what it does do is make me shake my head and wonder if that is where they were at, then why even bother having something to give to them in the first place. It makes no senes.

I also told her that I had gotten to the place where I looked up and told the universe that if they wanted thoes things for my life they would have to do it themselves. I'm tired of getting beat up.
Tired of getting handed good things, only to have them ripped out of my hands, or finding out they are for someone else.

I'm tired of having good days, and on the heels of those good days, stuff happening like what happened monday afternoon, and tuesday.
I started really thinking about it all, from a bigger place last night before she called, and something occured to me.
It was the idea of the blessings or curses a father brings or gives to his children.
Words are one of the most powerful tools we have in our grasp.

I thought about my relationship with my father, and how it went, and what I learned 3 weeks before he died.
Every child needs the blessing of the father, in that the father is the one in the parent arena that gives the child their birth right.
The mother gives and teaches the act of nurturing, or denys the child.
The child if deprived can still rise above the lack, but it's harder, and the way more rocky and dangerous.

The father in giving the child the birth right should be the first to acknowledge what gifts the child has been graced with for the journey through this life.
If the seeds that the father emparts to the child are of acknowledgment, the child has a far greater chance of finding their way to the flow of their life.
If they empart distructive seeds to their child, it is in effect a curse upon the child.

Now mind you there are "fathers" out there who work and live and do empart to aimless children those blessings, but there is a journey to find them.

This was one thought that came across my mind. It fit the pattern of many of the things that hit me the day before yesterday and many times in the past.

As children we are entrusted to the care of people who have the responsiblity to help us on our way.
Unfortunately that dosen't always happen.

I thought about that alot last night, and how I'd been feeling, and how what had hit me completely tore to shreds any wonderful I felt about the weekend.
Hence the view that I got punished every time something good came into my life.
Also looking at how things are with my ex and my children now that I'm gone added fuel to this fire gone out of control.
I'm glad it didn't take me over the edge. I wouldn't be sitting here if it did.

Some of the things that have risen out on to the horizon are the idea and reality of words.
I'm not sure, no I know that so many things are said that there is no meaning to, but those words are still as powerful, and they leave seeds behind them, and those seeds do germinate.
Whether we tend them or not.

Words sent out will touch things that are wounded, broken, bruised and battered and do things.
It's the nature of what words are.

I believe that words contain the same creative energy and power as the universe itself. If you put all the stars and planets together in a bottle and saw the power contained, the realization that the in the words we speak, we are releasing the same level of power.
Because that power comes into a life as a seed, the end result of those words may take years to come to full existance.

Much to think about here.

I know that when those words in my head hit me, the effect was as though someone had body slammed me into a concrete wall, and just kept going.

Now if my theory about my father is right, and his words through out my life being not just one curse, but many, the collective effect would be on the scale of what I experienced.

I'm not sure why it subsided, or why it didn't take me over the edge. It came so close. And so fast and so hard.
The culmination of everything that fit into the perameters all at once.

But I can only sumise here and guess.

Today has been a strange day. Almost like what it looks like after a distructive force has run through a town or city.
Makes me wonder many things.

I want to thank you for getting in my face as it were and looking me in the "eye" and saying what you did.
I cannot tell you how much I truely appreciate it.

I was going to start picking up applications today, but have put it off for a few more days since I want to take sometime, and this next weekend, just a few days away, I want to build another fire and this time use the time to quiet and still my self and spend some time drumming on my life drum.
Hopefully things will be dry enough by then to do that.
We had a wild storm here last night, thunder, lightening and rain. Lots and lots of rain.

I may go up to where I orginally opened the love circle on the farm and have the fire there.
It depends much on the weather.
I have my hopes of who will be there. I'm feeling deep inside that I have to do this in order to find out somethings.

A job right now would only make more noise and that's not productive right now.
It's funny, but in the mist of my pain through all of this, and the raging storm that rose up around me, that was the thought that showed up...

I wish you could be here for that. I really, really do.
I'm sure that my roommates would be completely distracted by your presence here, they generally are when a beautiful woman shows up here. :)

Anyway, my dear friend and sister, I'm going forward tord this direction, and I'm hoping it's the right one.