Reading Movies

Have you ever watched a movie that just seemed to change your life in minutes flat? A movie that makes you seriously consider finally selling and giving away all of your possessions, to go work for the Peace Core, or Oxfam, or Human Rights Watch? And to concurrently feel a terrible conflict within at the twin desires to help the world, and make art?

I think what really happened was that I woke up a little more from the dream...And if I have been living in Disneyland, what is the rest of America living in? What about people who have told me that I need to change, but live their lives on Lakefront Property with lions and tigers and girls, oh my! What about the fact that I am a hypocrite too? The fact that I meet so many people with good intentions that co-exist with bad. Which means, that even your worst offenders can have a change of heart, if your own heart can vacillate so much.

This movie, with Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Wiesz left me hunched in a ball, and sobbing by the time I got to my car. Nevermind the fact that the only other people viewing it were a disabled young man in a wheelchair and his nurse. That he sat behind me, and she sat behind him, while I blatantly curled up across two chairs like I was sitting on my sofa at home...something he couldn't do. Nevermind that I know what the movie portrays goes on, and yet, I don't necessarily assuage my guilt like the businessmen selling their Dyprexa, as I do what Ralph Fiennes' character, Justin Quayle does when he says that he "comforts himself with his nasturtium seeds". Meanwhile, his wife, Tessa (Rachel Wietz), is hot on the trail of human rights violations. It is not lost upon me that the main characters have 'Quayle' as their last name. Justin, as the husband, is so oblivious to what his wife is up to, and so afraid of 'getting involved', that he seems just like our illustrious past vice-president Dan Quayle, in some ways...

Even the title of the movie: The Constant Gardener, is a distraction from the real subject. Not that from the previews of movies like: North Country with Charlize Theron, directed by the director of Whale Rider; A History of Violence, and Brokeback Mountain directed by renowned filmaker Ang Lee, with Jake Gyllenhaal of Donnie Darko fame, I couldn't see what was coming. I could. A well done, thought-provoking, gut-wrenching, honest-as-possible for American mainstream-movie-fare-movie about social injustice and headstrong refusal to give up in the face of mounting resistance and sad misunderstanding. Meirelles, the director, does some great set-up shots to clue you into how he conveys his visual symbolism, as well.

The graphic depiction of village environments in Africa, poor health care, unsanitary morgues, dead bodies on gurneys, dead bodies hanging from trees with private parts stuffed in their mouths isn't enough. But it seems to me to be a more humanistic perspective than what we see in the news. When I watch the news, I feel numb. Watching this movie, I felt my heart grow by leaps and bounds. Could I do what she did? Could I do what people like her do?

Am I just dragging my feet, writing here, when I could be doing freelance journalism in parts of the world, including New Orleans, where chaos reigns? Could I be doing it on a less global scale by writing about what happens to people in the dregs of society here in America? Do I have the balls? I don't know...do I have the confidence? Not yet, but soon...I hope. I haven't even had the confidence to go back to painting or jewelry-making, and pound the pavement looking for a good gallery to represent me. And yet, three times this week I've run into artists at the club. All of whom have pressed me to resume my artistic endeavors. But I am doing so by writing. And making art seems uplifting, but what if I were helping young children in Africa and Afghanistan and Pakistan to learn to draw and paint, to create their own works of art, or their own murals? That to me would be more gratifying than making my own art. And I love kids so much.

And I'm passionate. And I do care...but I get wrapped up in the distractions like most people from a first world country. I think too hard about what my hair looks like, instead of looking at the beauty in another person's eyes. It remains to be seen what I will do in the coming years. I hope that it involves helping others to have even the kind of tenuous security that I have... At the very least, while I have been wondering what I want to do with my life from here on out, and haven't thought about going back to school because I don't want to waste precious time and money I don't even have taking classes again, when I haven't known what I really want to do; I could probably squeeze in a journalism class or two, to see if it rings a bell with me...and possibly really focus on learning to speak more than English fluently. And to retain it. So that I could begin to see how the rest of the world lives from the perspective of communicating in other languages that have quite a different 'feel' from English.

Yes, I got all of that, out of that movie. And more. I was blown away by the similarities between myself and Tessa. The hard-headedness, the abrasiveness, the passionate indignation, and...I have to mention, the chill that went up my spine when, after Tessa and Ralph Fienes' character first have sex, he says: "Thank You...for your gift." I used to say that to someone I know, and he would always look at me wierd.

But the thing that sent more chills up my spine than the mangled and tortured body of Tessa's gay friend, was the formation of two flocks of geese that flew over the wastelands where her body was found. The top portion was white, and the bottom was black. Effectively symbolizing that stratum of social acceptance on Earth by color, as well as the well-known dichotomization of black and white, good vs. evil. Nevermind that I was staring at that same sort of depiction on the cover of Milla's Divine Comedy CD yesterday, which I haven't listened to in years...

My distracted little mind was focused on how sexy I think Ralph Fiennes is, but the other half of me was sobbing. And that half, I think, wants to do something more than sit at my computer typing posts for the NAO...no offense, and I hope none taken, by you all. I'd like to make my writing official and write for print media, even if I have to eke out a living doing it. I'd like to be able to make my art on the side too, if that's possible. But maybe writing is what I do best, and will stick with, because it comes the easiest for me. The hard part is facing up to the music of what really goes on in the world.

I didn't leave it because of the dancing, I was already afraid of the world. And oddly enough, through dancing, I have seen a segment of the population that I really wasn't exposed to before going to private schools, and being a good little Southern girl who taught aerobics, sold cosmetics, worked for a bank, a doctor's office and waited tables. I've lost my good girl status, but I see what it is like for people who weren't even middle class, as well as other rebels like me. If I'm so rebellious still at 37, going on 38, somehow, I don't think that is going to change. I might as well put the rebelliousness to better use. Now that my health is stabilizing, I can take a breath and begin to focus on other things than just staying healthy. And it dawns on me daily, that where I was, terribly in the hole last year, and scrambling, trying to make peace with my past...THAT even is a place that many, many, many, many people in countries like Africa would love to be. Just there. Let alone where I can go now. Particularly as a woman.

I wouldn't have these opportunities if I were living in the Sudan, or Jordan, or Pakistan, or the Ukraine, for that matter.

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Sep 08, 2005.

Before I get into my comment, let me first say that I have read a number of your posts and normally search for the ones you have posted because you always seem to say something especially intellectual, not to mention, heartfelt.
With that said, I strongly relate to the feelings you expressed here. There are many times I feel torn between whether I should dedicate my life to something I feel is truly important (helping mankind in general), something I simply love doing (writing, making music, and improving my skills in both), or what is simply more secure (landing a nice job in my current profession).
If we lived in some fairy tale type of existence, then I would split my time between making music, particularly music that would raise people's consciousness of the various sort of problems facing the world today; and actually doing something to prevent these problems and help people from around the world. But of course, we don't live in a fairy tale existence and to help save the worldfrom the road it currently finds itself on would take all one's time and attention.
When we look at all the threats we currently face (war, environmental, whether natural or man-made, technological, etc.) it starts to feel all too daunting. This is not to say we shouldn't try to help others, that is not at all what I'm trying to communicate. For me, I think this type state of affairs is psychological. At the root of it all, I believe everything humans do is ultimately for self, even when it is not necessarily a "selfish" act.
This helps me understand why I tend to focus more heavily on spending my free-time on art. Creating art, especially if you're not depending on it for your own livelihood, is not nearly as daunting of an endeavor, and you can even fool yourself into thinking that you can change the world through it. Though it sounds nice, and it can help to enlighten many of people, art alone will never change the world, it takes action, like the character you described played by Rachel Weisz.
The conflict comes from being able to make yourself as "selfless" as one can possibly be. America institutionalizes us with the idea that we must look a certain way, possess certain things, and a certain amount of things, in order to be happy and content. Going to help others means, at least in part, sacrificing a lot of that. Being 22, and recently complete with a 4-year enlistment in the military, I have the opportunity to begin a great career as a civilian. But, it's not what I truly desire.
I want my life to have a truly significant impact and be a real benefactor to humanity as a whole. On top of that, I want to excel in my ability to write, which I believe is still in a novice stage but has potential. Unfortuanetly, the way society works now, it takes a lot of courage, as you said, to step away from the comforts and securities provided by going along with its system. I hope I too will eventually attain that courage and make that leap as well.

Disclaimer: Before I go, I plan to have the curteousness and decency to reply to everyone who replied to me on topics other than what I most recently wrote in my journal.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your reply, 2nd-Motive, and I must say, it is actually making me wonder if I really want to leave the NAO. I've just been tired of trying to start conversations about things and getting nowhere with a large number of people who seem to only want to delve into bullshit.

Mr. Vicious has pointed out to me some things about myself that I really want to take note of, and also that make me wonder if I am throwing the baby out with the bathwater by leaving here. I don't know. But I do know that what you wrote is exactly the kind of dialogue I want to have online here on the NAO. I enjoyed your post...and it made me think as well.

If you have just completed a 4-year enlistment in the military, then you probably, I would assume, have seen more of what goes on in other parts of the world than most, as well as what goes on here in the States. The perspective from which you are coming must make it doubly hard to think about switching gears to civilian life, with its' Britney Spears and ipods.

The conflict comes from being able to make yourself as "selfless" as one can possibly be. America institutionalizes us with the idea that we must look a certain way, possess certain things, and a certain amount of things, in order to be happy and content. Going to help others means, at least in part, sacrificing a lot of that.

Yes it does, doesn't it?

The man who was stalking me here online, that I used to know offline, tried to impress those thoughts upon me at the same time that his 'alter ego' was destroying my soul. He had a lot of insightful things to say, when he wasn't busy trying to mold me into what he wanted. I learned a lot at the feet of the "master". Though what kind of "master" that was I don't know.

I think, as far as examples of people doing the 'right thing', it is hard to find people doing that well, when they don't have any money. Not impossible, but hard. Rachel Weisz' character in the movie above was obviously independently wealthy if you watch the movie. She was able to do so much because of it. As well as, because she was a beautiful woman, and actually used that to manipulate for the cause. Who knows what's right at times?

I have a friend, here in St. Louis, whom I strip with, who travels extensively to places in the world like South Africa. She teaches English wherever she goes, and is dedicated to helping people. Her trips are vacations for her, in that it is gratifying to her to be helping people, and learning about other cultures. She doesn't stay in fancy hotels, or buy fancy clothes. However, in order to keep making the money stripping that she needs to travel and teach English like that....she has had to keep her body in tip-top shape. She has had electrolosis to remove unwanted body hair, and had her eyeliner tattooed, and her lips done, and her boobs done, and sclerotherapy to remove varicosities, so that she can continue to pull the kind of money that she always has...

She also works out daily for health reasons as well as for the visual effect at work. She does not drink, she is vegan, and she does not do ANY drugs. Prescription or otherwise. When I met her she loved her weed like I do mine. She drank. She was raking in the cash, but already had her head on straight, somewhat. She traveled for fun, and didn't spend a lot of money doing it. Now, she uses her job in this American mess of a culture, to do the work she loves. Working with underprivileged children. Sort of robbing Peter, to pay....?

Anyway...it almost seems as if in order to do what will actually matter at times, that you have to 'play the game' at times. The question for me is: will I come out with my soul still intact? The more important question is: can I make a difference? Beyond that, and more currently: can I forgive the distant as well as, most recent past?

Can I keep my eyes open instead of shutting them?

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Oct 22, 2005.