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Reading broken_dreamer's journal

Worries.

They plague the mind, heart, and soul. They are both good and bad. I worry all the time. I've had terrible worries for the last few days. Part of me tells me they are useless, part of me still believes in their possibilities.

I used to say I worry too much, but not any more. I worry more than I would like to, however, the only way to stop worrying is to stop caring. I care too much about the people in my life to stop.

Worry creates great stress. Everyone says "Go find stress management." I now know that there is no way to manage stress, or stop it. There is only self management - learning how to handle yourself in stressful situations. That can make a big difference.

It is all much easier said than done, as I know from first-hand experience. I'm trying really hard to do these things, but it's difficult not having my therapist to talk to any longer. I really wish he were here. He's the one that told me all these things of worry and caring and whatnot. It's a shame I only got to have five sessions with him. I sometimes think about giving him a call and saying, "I understand your workload is full, what with all the cases and the new births in your family, but is there anyway we could possibly talk whether it be through e-mail or whatever?" But... his wife just had twins, he's busy with them and the two year old. And I remember him talking about all the work he was doing and how tired he looked every week. I don't know. I think I need it. I just hate putting people out. And I don't know that he'd go for it considering it'd be on his on personal time and he would get no money whatsoever for it, and that would be hard with a wife and three kids to take care of and his own practice to run.

I thought about going to see the school counselor, but it isn't the same. The things I need help with, I would need someone who knows a little bit of, shall we say, background. Dr. D only saw me five times, but he already knows a lot about me. I often wonder if I should have talked to him about the possibility of medication. After I began meeting with him, I no longer felt I needed it, but these last few weeks could have been so much better had I had something.

I'm trying to be the happy person everyone thinks I am. I'm trying to fight this depression that I've had for so long. I still have moments, even days of joy, but I still have days where I fall so hard. I guess I wasn't completely prepared for these feelings again. I was doing so much better until I had no therapist. I hate to sound dependant upon one and upon medication, if that should happen. But I have learned that it doesn't matter what people think. I have a terrible medical condition that is the cause of so many deaths. I know I would never do that, but it is still something I find myself thinking about. And no one should have to live with those thoughts..

Few people know of my problems. I know they care about me and try to help me out, but there really isn't anything to be done. In the end, I'm still going to have a chemical imbalance that makes me the way I am. I'm not telling these people to stop by any means. Those moments they give me that make me forget all the pain, even for a very short time, are pure bliss.

Some that may read this or find out may think it's nonsense, that there is no such thing or whathaveyou. But to them I say, it is all fact. I used to think I was making all this pain and sorrow up, so for years I went to no one because I was afraid they would think the same. But it's all very real. It is real pain. Terrible, terrible pain. I don't care what those people think. For once in my life, I just care about me and making myself better. If I am feeling this way all the time, there is no way that I can give everything I have and am to the ones I love. And that is what I want to do, what I feel I have to do. Give all I am to them.

The only reason I have made it this far in life is the by the grace of God. He has been with me every step of the way, even when I failed to believe so at times. He led me to my greatest joy about six months ago and that is what keeps me living. I don't mean living as in on this earth physically, but mentally. As I said before, I would never take my own life, but if I had not had God and the angel He blessed me with, my life, my mental life, my soul, would have been taken from me. It is still trying to escape, but I won't let it. I have the Angel of angels and the King of kings on my side, beside me every step of the way. A guide here on this Earth, and a guide from above. These are my wills for life. The only reason I do no give up. Without them, I don't want to think of where I'd be.

I love my Earthly angel. He supports me no matter what silly goals I may have. He makes me happy beyond words. He sometimes upsets me, but this is good. Feeling anger or sorrow about something reminds us all of what we care about most. I care about him most. My only light in my deep darkness, leading me out of this pit. He doesn't realize that just caring for me is more powerful than all the riches of the world. They would never make me happy. He doesn't have to say anything. Just be. Just care. Though words do help as well. :P

I now understand what my mom has gone through since she was my age. I cry for her. It's so terrible. She is so strong. And my Grannie. Oh, the trials she has had. Both of these women are amazing creatures and anyone who does not see this is blind. They may have the hard outer shell, but that is nothing like what is on the inside. My inspirations. I look up to them both. If they can do it, I can do it. Even if the end often seems near.

I'm feeling a little better now that I've written this. Even if no one reads it, just knowing it's out helps. I'm still wondering about calling Dr. D, but until I decide, I can only take one moment at a time.