Reading harold_maude's journal

It would seem that things go in cycles. Beginning, middle, end.
Repeat.

I'm not sure why, but it seems that somethings keep doing the same cycle no matter how many changes take place.
Like a rut in the road that never gets fixed.

This morning started out fine. Somewhere along about 3-3:30 I began to notice something strange.
Things began to swim in my head. Much like the monday before last when things started crashing.

Only today there was nothing to trigger this.
I can feel the surges of what feels like I'm loosing my mind, and then it quiets down again.
I'm bracing myself for what ever is comming.

I wish I knew why this keeps happening. I wish I could stop it from comming and running over me like a huge truck.

Something that seems to accompany the feelings and thoughts are these strange physical things. Like someone is sticking needles in parts of my feet and hands.
Sharp large needles.

When the pain comes like that I have taken to taking over the counter pain medication to try and stop the pain.
Sometimes it works.

I wish I knew why this keeps happening.
I wish I knew where it comes from, and more importantly how to stop it from comming back.

Sometimes when all of this is going on, there is this overwhelming desire to peel off my skin. It drives me nuts.
It would be wonderful if there was a zipper I could just unzip and get out of my skin.

Monday before last isn't the first time that I ended up feeling like I was going mad, it's just the latest episode.

It used to happen alot, and I would claw at my skin just to stop what ever it was.
After everything was quiet again, I would have scratches all over and my feet would be a mess because of how much skin I had removed with my nails.

If this is the tell tale signs of a nervous break down there is nothing I can do to stop it from comming.
I won't go to the hospital and ask them to help me, they will just lock me up somewhere.
And I don't have the money to go to see anyone anyway, so all I can do is ride it out and hope this passes quickly.

Several years ago when this stuff was daily in my life I did go see a doctor, he confered with another doctor and they recomended observation in the phychward.
They gave me medication which didn't help, it didn't touch the fire that my brain was emersed in or quite the nightmears that were so real that I would wake up in a cold sweat, just ended up costing alot of money, and when things didn't work they tried harder to put me away.

My family stepped in and stopped them.
I wonder if I had been put away if they would have ever let me out.
I don't think they would have because I see things, and hear things that turn out to be real.
I don't think it would be a comfort to anyone to let someone who can see things wandering around the streets doing strange things.
I tend to keep that part of me away as much as I can from the world.
I see things that are inside of people, things that they never want anyone to know about.
Secret things.
I'm pretty sure that's why I scare people sometimes.

I can feel my head pounding again. And it feels like someone is trying to push the walls of my skull out.

This reminds me of the dream I had a couple of nights ago.
Everything was completely white. And I was in a long hall with a room in the middle of the hall.
It was open, no doors.
I was standing there and when I turned around there was this man comming tord me, dressed completely in white, the only thing that wasn't covered was his face.
His eyes were like large pupils with no iris, and he was looking at me, through me saying only this: "I'm in your head. I'm in your head, I'm in your head."
The closer he got the faster he moved and the closer he came the more scared I got, and I started running.

He started running after me screaming the same thing over and over, saying nothing else but that.
I woke up and I was shaking and sweating.
It felt like my legs were waking up from being asleep and there were pins and needles all over them and my feet.
It felt like someone was stabbing my feet with needles.

I don't know what all of this means. I don't know anything of why this has all started again.
I don't know what I did.
If I did, I would try to fix it.

Two afternoons ago I was doing somethings, and suddenly I was overcome by the need to sleep.
I laid down and somewhere in the next 4 hours I had a dream that was really strange.
I found myself in a village that was up in the mountians somewhere, and the houses were built off the ground on high stilts.
The first person I saw in the dream was this man who was dressed in the same kind of coveralls that a mechanic wears.
Although he looked normal, there was something about his eyes.
They were this stange clear blue color, almost void of being human.
He started walking tord me, and smiled. I wasn't scared because there was nothing about this man that seemed scary.
Then out of the blue he jumped on me and started to stangle me.

I was fighting for my life. This other man, a full blood indian, I'm pretty sure it was a medicine man came up behind him and pulled him off me. Then the man in coveralls just vanished.
The indian looked and me, helped me up and said that I needed to come quickly with him.
I noticed his eyes too, they were a clear deep blue, like the sky on a perfect summer day.

I followed as quickly as I could, which was difficult because the floor of the building had spaces between the boards which dropped off into nothingness below me.

As I followed him he spoke to me and told me that I was invited to go through the rituals that the warriors go through, the testings and trials.
It seemed strange because I knew women were never asked to go through the rituals.

Suddenly there were native americans from every tribe that ever existed in this country everywhere.
I noticed everyone's eyes. Different shades of blue. Some happy, some sad, and some with a very far away look about them.
It was like being in a traffic jam with no cars.

I was following the man who saved my life and all of a sudden I kept seeing kevin's face and he was trying to tell me something but I couldn't hear him.
He vanished into the crowd.

The next thing I knew I was standing in a lodge where the first test was to take place.
It was so cold in the building.
The test was made up of a series of short down hill ski jump ramps.
At the bottom there was a long metal pole with a silver ball at the top.
The skis were just longer than my feet, and the idea was to start at the top and then go down the first one and land on the second and so on.
If it was done properly the last one would propell you up the pole and you would grab the silver ball at the top.
I watched on person do it and when they grabbed the ball they were held there frozen for a little while and then they vanished.

It seemed to a door way. As there was no way to get down from the pole and no doors at that end leading out of the building or stairs leading back up to where I was standing.
And under each of the ramps and the pole there was nothing.
It was like what was under the building I started in.

I went to the room where you get dressed in the body suit to do the test and I saw kevin outside.
He was trying to get me to come to him.
I ran outside and there were all these people, and he had vanished.
I wanted to let him know I was going to do the tests and then I woke up.

When I did, there was this friend of ours sitting on the stairs, presumably waiting for me to wake up.
He seemed to want to talk to me about some things.
I could tell by the way his eyes looked when we sat down at the kitchen table.
He didn't say much, but I could see how exausted and troubled he was.
It was almost like he was on the verge of breaking down.

I never really found out what was troubling him, but it felt and looked like he was being pulled and stretched and it was more than he could take.

he stayed for a while and then left

it seems something is goofy with the computer keys
i need to check it out
will finish this later

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.