Reading shakylegs's journal

Where the fuck to start! So much has been happening since I last even logged onto this website. I have changed so much and although I like who I am now because I feel so much more myself, I don’t rely on other peoples likes and dislikes so much as I did when I was as school or college. However, things are bad. I think about how my life has turned out, yesterday I was looking at pictures of me when I was about 7, a cute school girl, so innocent and not really a care in the world. I know I haven’t been through as much as many people have but for me I have. I wish I was that girl again so much.
I have dropped out of college again! I have never had a job. I go out every night. I drink and smoke too much. I have a sexual relationship with the love of my life, unknown to my parents. I find myself hating members of my family. I miss my twin who is in Peru. I cant get a job as I have no qualifications. I have lost a lot of friends. I hurt myself, and I’m only ever happy when I’m with my boyfriend…..were in love. But even then I have issues that make it very difficult even though I love him.

I don’t really expect anyone to read this and give a shit if anything its for me so that in a while I can hopefully look back and say either, well at least I knew it…or say wow thank god someone helped me and I got out of this black dog. I want to get some help. But sometimes I just want to keep it to myself. But mostly I just want to sit down with a stranger and cry and tell them everything. Even tell them that I wish I wasn’t at home so that I didn’t have to face my parents. It would kill them if they ever knew this!

My boyfriend knows how much I want a job and he knows that I cant stand being at home sometimes. But he doesn’t know that when I’m alone and at the height of hating my life that I cry and scream and lash out at myself! I’m being selfish, well I know tats what my mum would say. She would make me feel bad like say that its her fault. She is also very depressed but she doesn’t realise that when she unloads all her problems on me, her only daughter that its killing me inside. I don’t want her to be unhappy and its only ever since I have grown up that she does it. So really it just makes me want to be that little girl again. When I was little I don’t remember my mum crying to me and shouting and saying bad things about everything in her life.

The reason I’m unloading all of this is because, I have tried all morning to get some online but there are no one to one chat based websites for this. Well not free ones anyway. Its crazy. It would be such a great way for people like me to unload.

I feel better writing I think I will start writing here more often now. I used to log on everyday and read other peoples lives but I stopped I really believe it helped slightly!

Also I don’t believe in God and my mum has brought me up pushing it on me. She is very religious and she still expects me to go to church but I haven’t got the heart to tell her I don’t. I know that was random so I might continue this post into another forum post!

Stay above the crowd!
Shaky legs
xxx

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