Reading harold_maude's journal

Friday I entered into what I can only describe as a right of passage.
I've had a few in my life. Not at the time that people normally think they will come, but that's ok. I'm weird and things for me happen on the time line their suppose to.

The first one happened when I turned 28, it was suppose to be when I was 25.
It's the quarter century thing that everyone gets close too and then it hits and whoahhhh!!!
"I'm here...now what?"

I never had one of those when I turned 21, I was too busy trying to be a mom to a very brilliant child.
And I think I was still getting over having a child at all.
When I was 16 I had surgery because my cycle was really messed up and they did tests and told my mother I was sterile.
I just proved them wrong.
It's funny how things like that happen, and what that does to a persons head and life.

The next right of passage came when I hit 35. It was an awesome year. It was a great time of learning and comming to terms with the idea that my life was more than my children.
I'd had my second child at 26.
He was on the other end of the specturm of things from his sister.
He was brilliant too, but just in some really unique ways.
He, like einstine, didn't talk until he was three, and to him the world was this place where...it's hard to explain...he thinks in extreem abstract ways.
He did this picture of the titanic. From the front you see the ocean and the boat going down.
Turn the paper over and you see the ocean and part of the boat that's under the water.
That kind of thing.

So here I've got two kids, both of these people amazing in their own right, and I've been given the privialage of being their mom.
So here comes 35, and it hits, my life is more than being just a mom to these two people, one of which is eventually going to be a vet at 24.

The next right of passage happened when I turned 39. My father died and I found out that I spent my entire life waiting for something that would never come. I was very pissed off.
I spent my whole life waiting for him to tell me that he loved me and was proud that I was his daughter.
I found out 3 weeks before he died.
When he died, I started on the journey to finding out who I was, and he was no longer there to tell me I couldn't or that I would do nothing but fail, etc. etc. etc.
It became clear at that time how much time I'd wasted waiting for something that never came.
To put it mildly I was pissed because I felt completely ripped off in the worst way a person can.
And I'm not going into the comparison of what being raped feels like because I've been there too, and that doesn't come close to what this felt like.

The next right of passage happened when I finally did what I should have done at 19, that is leave your home town.
I was 43.
My children were completely comfortable with me leaving, which doesn't surrprise me.
I got a divorice and it was very peacable, we parted on good terms.
They thought I'd lost my mind, as what I took with me isn't the normal thing a person takes with them when they go.
I took the bare essentals, as far as I was concerned. Things I could use to make a living with based on my talents and skills.
I was headed into the unknown and was on the road to find out who I was, how I liked my eggs, so to speak.

Then last friday, I came to the newest one, turning 47. I'm excited about being 47, I've made it this far. I'm comfortable in my own skin finally, and death is something that will happen at some point.
I've learned that people love to hide, mostly from themselves.
Their too scared to be honest and dig deep inside and deal with the crap that all of us carry around.
I've learned that today is all we get. So it's to our benefit to make it the best day we've ever had.
Even when it's a total shit day, it's still been good.
If you live indoors and got to eat it's a damn fine day.
If you've got toilet paper it's a good day, because having no toliet paper makes the bathroom experience a good one.
I've been without, and it really sucks.
If someone has smiled at you, or you survived the day it's been a good day.
Even when you loose a job, or wonder how your going to make the bills.
Even thoes days have something in them that's worth something.
That's what I've learned.

I've decited that I'm celebrating this entire month. 47 comes only once. I don't feel 47. I doubt I ever will. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel because I've never been here before, and that's completely fine.
There is an incredible year ahead of me. And I'm looking forward to it. Even if I end up in another accident. I was in one last sunday, and the driver was young, I would say barely 20 somthing. She slammed into me comming around a corner doing about 45 at least.
The front of the car she was driving was demolished, and I saved myself from having to be pried from my car by slamming on the breaks so only the front side panel of the car got twisted.
The head light still works and now my lights have a marty feldman thing going on.
I saw her about 3 feet before she hit.
If I hadn't she would have hit the driver's door.
She was in a borrowed car of which the owner had let his insurance laps for 3 months, and she has no insurance, so I have this thing I can't fix.
But the good news is no one got hurt.
There were 5 people in the car with her, and they were all older, and it's curious as to why all thoes people weren't smart enough to drive instead of letting someone who was in too much of a hurry drive.
Go figure.

So now, here I am, a week later, two days into being 47 and the sun is shining, I got to play with this incredible puppy last night named betty.
And it's a great day.
I ate cake sometime after midnight and it was really good.
Apple pie filling as part of the frosting...good stuff.

What ever this year brings, things are new, all of them because each day from here on out is new. All the monster thoughts, all the moments of disapointment all the celebrations, weddings and funreals will be seen in a different light...and that rocks.
It's the right of passage that changes us. It's designed to.
And I am so greatful for that...I would hate to spend the rest of my life in the same place doing the exact same things over and over and never learning anything new.

Here's to the next right of passage that will come. I'm looking forward to it.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.