Reading Jaz's journal

The one unjust part of screwing with someone's confidence in you is that, as the one doing it, you've already talked yourself to a point where you don't give a flying fuck how the other will feel about it. They should be entitled to find comfort in hating your guts, but there's little comfort in hating someone who so obviously couldn't care less.

Doesn't that make it very easy.

'Yeah, That's what Jesus would do. Jesus would bomb Afghanistan. Yeah.' - snowlion

Your right about that. The only way that they could take satisfaction in feeling the same about you is if it was someone who you ment alot to, to begin with.

But it it's someone who cares for you and not just has confidence in you and you know that, very often it's harder to get to the place where you don't give a fuck about how they feel.

I've got family by birth that I used to want to care about me, they had confindence in my ablity to do certian things, but they didn't give a rip about me personally.

I finally got to where you are now. And I realized something about all of that, that the only person suffering at all was me.
Nothing I felt or did affected them because they didn't care in the first place.
I ended up having to just get it, and let it all go so to speak.
My life in that area has been peaceful ever since.
They generally never into my thoughts anymore.
And the only time I'm reminded of them is when I talk to my mother and she tells me about what their doing.

It was to the point where I would wars with this person in my head.
They never knew what was going on.
What I wanted was for them to care so I could hurt them as much as they had hurt me by not carring.
I finally figured out it wasn't going to happen.

Hope this helps.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

What I wanted was for them to care so I could hurt them as much as they had hurt me by not carring. I finally figured out it wasn't going to happen.

Hope this helps.

I'm afraid I can't see how you managed to forego the hope for eventual satisfaction.

'Yeah, That's what Jesus would do. Jesus would bomb Afghanistan. Yeah.' - snowlion

Actually, when I realized how much of my life I was spending waiting for something that was never going to happen, I had to make a decision, that was best for me.

From there it was pretty easy to just let go.
There is no sense standing around loosing weeks and months and sometimes years if nothing is going to happen.
In order for it to have ever happened the people I was waiting on to care about me would have had to have a complete personality change.

And that's like a man waiting to have a baby when he is a hermit, you know what I mean?

I really think what it comes down to is wanting some kind of justice for what we see as crimes that someone else has done against us.
Most of the time it's more this: That when someone doesn't care about us and we want them to, it tells us we are less than, and worthless.
And that hurts. There is no denying that.

Along the way, through several realizations about all of this I realized I needed to learn to believe I was worth something, to me.
That who I was, my value as a person wasn't dependant on anyone else.
That took a while to get to. For years I was subject to the want of other people's approval because I never saw myself as having any value.
Comming face to face with that wasn't the hard part, I knew that for a long time.
What I did to myself, all the distructive things, in an attempt to errase my existance, was the evidence of what I believed.

I had to learn that I did have value, and was worth something even if everyone in the whole world thought I was crap.
No one else was living in my shoes.

So I decited to try to get comfortable in my own skin. At first it felt stupid, and out of place. It was out of place, my comfort zone was in hating myself.
It took time, but it changed.
Now I don't care how anyone feels about me. It doesn't change anything in my life.
I'm still me.
I don't need anyone's approval for anything. When I do something, it's based on my ethics and work values.
And if the whole world thinks that's a waste, that's their problem.

As a result of all this long road, I enjoy my company and can be alone with myself without feeling overwhelmed and needing to go out and do something.
It's a good place to be.
Now when I care about someone it doesn't matter how they feel about me, that's up to them.
I can choose to care or not care, that's up to me.
Whether anything ever comes of it, that doesn't matter.
My life is getting better because of where this road has taken me.

I have lost the need for revenge, but sometimes the want for
justice still comes round.
I've learned that things balance out, somewhere along the line they do.
I may not be there to see it, but it happens.
That's the law of what goes around comes around.
For ever action there is a concequence.
That's part of this too, and it's something to remember when your fighting with the need to see someone else suffer because you mean nothing to them, in the same way you have.

Alot to think about.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

This is one of the more awesome things ever posted here, so I'm going to print it out and glue it too my wall.

'Yeah, That's what Jesus would do. Jesus would bomb Afghanistan. Yeah.' - snowlion

Thank you,(...uh..this is really humbling..) I'm glad it helped.

It only looks that way because your standing on your head.

Now when I care about someone it doesn't matter how they feel about me, that's up to them.
I can choose to care or not care, that's up to me.
Whether anything ever comes of it, that doesn't matter.
My life is getting better because of where this road has taken me.

Thats such a powerfull statement man, thats so true, this has actually stuck in my head and i try and think like that now.
Thanks for that Harold_Maude

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