Reading rosyxxx's journal

Wow! I am quite literally shaking with rage. If you all don't know me well enough to know that the post I wrote in my journal was ABSOULUTELY POSITIVELY PRETEND, AS THE VERY, VERY LAST SENTENCE MAKES CLEAR TO THOSE WHO ACTUALLY HAVE AN IQ......then fuck you.

Have you not ever had the wish that your dead mother could write you from the grave? Hey, at least a few people got it. Yes I am still me. Probably the most honest fucking bitch on here. I don't even hide my social life, and my suicide attempts. Not that those exist for me (except for the one at 16, over 20 years ago...do the math idiots!), because they don't. But I've listened to so much crap in private from people here, who have attempted it, and they don't even have the balls like I do to be honest about who they really are.

I've had to listen to so much whiny crap from people who have never really had it hard at all...and certainly aren't old enough to know any better. But that is beside the point, and yet...still, somehow relevant.

You should all know just exactly how much contempt I have for each and every one of you who wants their NASTY LITTLE POSTS deleted so nobody can see what an ass they are at times. While I am busy sitting on my high horse, I'll tell you that the ONLY posts I've EVER had deleted were deleted against my will. Not by choice. Certainly not because I went whining to null or Jaz about what an idiot I was (as a NUMBER of you have done on certain occasions here....), begging to have the disgusting entrails of my bad behaviour removed so I can pretend I am nothing but nice. I've never done that, like some of you have. The dead carcasses of my shit swing around like pirates on a gallows here, and as far as I am concerned they shall continue to do so.

Actually, that isn't exactly true. I DID have "1" post deleted because I was worried that if it remained, Mr. Potato Head would come strolling along and try to fuck with the person I mentioned in it. I did it to protect someone else. Not me. Unlike the reasons for which most of you here have had your indiscretions deleted.

Everyone else should only be so real. And yes, in that respect, I do think that I am better than most of you. So now you know. I despise people who pretend to be other than what they are...and that was part of the irony of the post. Part of pretending includes not wanting people to see the sides of you that you least like. How can you possibly ever change them if you hide them from everyone including yourself? Things you put on the shelf in the darkness only fester more.

Maybe right now you could say I am having issues with my ego...but I suspect that eventually I will make peace with them as a result of my candidness; whereas the vast majority of people will continue to flounder around.

I'm not always nice. Nor should I be. And neither is anyone else here. But most of you want to run hiding after you've insulted the fuck out of somebody. Never fear, people do send copies of your posts that get deleted so no one else can see what an ass you've been. And as for all the other arguments here on the NAO that included me, my bullshit remains for your perusal. Whereas, almost everyone else has asked for their shit to disappear. As far as people who OWN both their dark and light sides, Ginsterbusch, null and Jaz pretty much come to mind. And I doubt that any of them have had their bullshit deleted. They show themselves warts and all, just like I do.

Then there are the few who are too cowardly to take the risk of getting 'rated down', and never speak their minds. I'm obviously not one of them.

For those of you barely able to hang onto your IQs which rest at a level close to that of a styrofoam cup, I am still me. I am Heather Marie Beebe. I am now 38. My measurements are: 36-25-38, last I checked[/sarcasm]. Nothing in my posts is a lie. Fuck you very much for saying so...and even at that, you have no idea the self-restraint I exercise. My god, this should be self-explanatory. I did and do have a stalker. He could probably tell you my social security number. He knows everything else about me, anyway.

None of what happened to me online here was a joke. And I am a stripper. I could have my bosses call you all to prove it if you want. I could also send you each a copy of my passport to prove where I've traveled, and a copy of my driver's license, social security card, and birth certificate.

I could also continue to write posts about the revealations I have attained in Yoga class recently, but considering the reception I got on that one.......probably I won't.

For your freaking information, I have been very, very, very, very busy drafting up a new resume, finally getting my bosses at the STRIPCLUB to consider having me off-schedule after ten fucking years of bogus bullshit, so that I don't have to put up with the ignorant, assanine, juvenile, hedonistic, motherfucking piece of shit, pompous, bastard, sons-of-bitches asshole new managers that come strolling through our doors on a day to day basis. I particulary have been busy restraining myself from saying what I'd need to say to get one particular jackass fired for what he tried to do on Tuesday of this week, not to mention last week.

Everything in my family life, as well, has been stepped up a notch, and I additionally have Five Trojan Horses.

The good news (Hello people???? GOOD NEWS? As if most of you gave a shit about that kind of thing, shitmongers that quite a few of you truly are...) is that I not only now have two new part-time jobs to add to my workload, but I finally was able to work out an arrangement with my club manager to put me in a position never to have to deal with the newbies' assanine behaviour again. I am absolutely positively excited about all of this, as well as the progress I have been making on getting into grad school. I'll be taking advantage of the B.F.A. with a studio emphasis, and the minor in Psychology that was only one class short of a Major, AND my fucking 3.94 GPA, and Magna Cum Laude graduation status. AND, I MIGHT ADD, I MANAGED TO GRADUATE AS SUCH WHILE BEING SEXUALLY, PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSED. I DOUBT, SERIOUSLY, THAT MANY OF YOU COULD SAY THE SAME. So much for being "just a stripper", as some of you have so ineloquently put it. In addition I have several dozen knitted Christmas presents to finish. But everything else finally came to a head this weekend. And I must say, everything OUTSIDE of the NAO was positive.

The conclusion I have reached about this place, is that it is not what it seems to be. Quite a few people here do nothing but read controversial posts, and set the good ones aside. You live for trauma and unrest, and feast upon it like vultures. The few human beings who exist here, I'd be happy to keep as friends.......OUTSIDE OF THE NAO.

I doubt I'll be writing again at all, e especially with this kind of assanine behaviour coming from you people. With the exception of the few whom I trust, and you know who you are......the rest of you can just...

Btw, null thank you. I got your birthday present in the mail. I have not opened it yet. Fairly soon after I sit down to meditate and take a quick toke, I shall. And shall be shortly mailing your birthday scarf and one for Orchid as well. Any further communication between you and anyone else who wishes to communicate with me can be conducted through e-mail, or snail mail...until further notice. This place has succeeded in royally pissing me the fuck off. For too many reasons to count beyond the current one.

Oh and by the way, today is my parents wedding anniversary. You know, the minister for a father, the dead mom who is probably nothing but rotting bones and tattered clothes in her shell of a coffin in a Michigan cemetery right now. The mother who was so kind as to hang herself on the 3rd of August nine years ago. Yup. That couple. They were married today, I am pretty sure, in a little San Lorenzo church.

I think I'll think about formerly happy events like that one right now, rather than the bullshit here from now on. Excuse while I attend to some other more important pursuits.

Addendum: Just for the record, I wrote the post, in my mother's hand, after viewing Neil Gaiman's movie Mirrormask. He's written several stories about the lies we live with daily....and I would have loved to have written a effort-consuming post (as most of mine are) about that movie. But I doubt that I shall now....I doubt that if I had it would have even been read. Considering how much most of you simply thrive on nothing but controversy. I'm betting you'll all be dying to 'rubberneck' on this accident, instead of responding to more important posts.

But hey, I could be proven wrong. I certainly hope so. Right now, I don't hold out much hope for the NAO.

And if you don't like the length of this post, too fucking bad. :( Rate away jerks. I'm sure those of you who go around randomly rating posts because you are either to the extreme religious right, or think that 'even one obscenity' is grounds for your judgement will have a nice satisfying orgasmic experience after rating this one. I dare you. I double dare you. Prove me right. Or don't. Restrain your hungry little anonymous fingers and just read without having to rate every goddamn thing you see like a bunch of cliqueish little children. I dare you to simply read.

I hate to say it though, it might be a cold day in Hell before I read any responses to this journal entry though. So don't wait anxiously for me to reply. I am busy doing more important things than logging on here to see this shit.

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Oct 22, 2005.

Well...I see you said you won't be looking at these replies anytime soon, but I chose to reply anyway. I read this after reading your reply to my response on your Constant Gardener post, noticing that you said you're planning on leaving this board. I don't know about the comments or other incidents that led to this entry so it would be wrong for me to comment on that. I'll just say I found out about this site through one of my boys, because we both were desperately seeking some intellectual conversation and thought provoking comments by people other than ourselves. Thinking about it now, that probably means nothing to you though.

I guess my point is, that there are people, myself at least, that enjoy your posts. I was happy to see you reply to mine, definetely good to converse with someone I consider an intellectual. This is even more besides the point, but I'll tell you anyway. I'm 22, male, and black. Most of the people I would call "friends" are into the "what's hot" type thing, zombies to American pop culture, the "media black person stereotype" I guess you call it. Not trying to get into a racial dialogue with you, I tell you that to say on the outside I can fit in with that crowd, but it doesn't fit who I am really am.

But since many people have prejudices, and I dress and use some of "slang" the ignorant person would expect me to use, it's often very hard to simply join crowds that are into art, different sorts of music other than hip hop (though I love rapping myself), literature, and what have you. This site, as I don't know of any others like as of yet, is like the sole place where I can be myself and not worry about people's prejudices preventing any worthwhile convo. Then again, from what you've said, that's not always the case.

This was a lot of babbling, that doesn't even address what you've said. What I am ultimately getting at is there are people here, if only myself, who appreciate the good conversation and the contributions people like yourself make to it. And if only myself, which I'm sure it's not, love engaging in dialogue, because personally I've learned quite a bit the few weeks I've been a member. I've checked out people's favorite books, movies, and learned from them. I even read up on a pantoum, it was actually the first post I read when I joined. So anyways...

P.S. I'm not trying to make a pass at you, I hope it doesn't come off that way.

Stay up.

Please understand that I consider this "leaving" to be a hiatus, both to get my head on straight and get over my anger and rage...as well as to finally get the ball rolling towards my Master's degree, devote more time to two new part-time, albeit unpaid jobs that will look very good on my resume, which was almost becoming obsolete. Of lesser importance, I think, is getting the virii removed from my computer. It must seem to some people here that I ALWAYS have problems with my computer at a time of other crises. I don't plan it that way, it just happens.

So, my plate was already full, and then I just got really pissed. I can't afford to have something cause that much rage in my life right now. I need to stay focused. Until I can firmly ground that focus, I need to take a breather.

I shall be back, that is my intention, as none other than 'rosy', and looking forward to more conversations with you, and hopefully less heated entries on my part.

I would hope that you will not let my frustrations color your perception of the NAO too much. Get to know everyone here. You will find many more who will intelligently converse with you...you'll have to skirt around the Braindeads, though....

I expect that when I get back, you may be so busy conversing with other members here, that your time may be a bit monopolized, and I might find it difficult to find a place in your sphere. I hope that shall not be the case. And rest assured, I appreciated the time you took to respond to that post very much. It was one of many that I wished someone would at least answer. Thank you. You are a very thoughtful person, from what I can tell, and one that I would like to get to know. I don't take your comments in anything other than a friendly vein at all. Good luck to you, and welcome here, if I may be so bold as to say so...

With that I shall take my leave. I am long overdue. Here's to seeing you in a month or so....

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

-- CAUTION: This post is totally devoid of grammar --

I've been here and I left myself and I perhaps took it to an all time extreme, had all my posts deleted then created a new account and the other old account is now disabled. I get a blank page when I log in with it.

When one announces to the public that they are leaving, that is a cry for help. Was in my case and I came back because I was searching for something that I could not find, still haven't. There is absolutely no reason to announce publicly that you are leaving unless you are crying out for some type of sympathy. I've been here. These people don't know me, they have never seen my face in reality. Why would I and believe me I have done this announce publicly that I'm fucking outta here?? Dunno but I did it. I was searching, I was longing, I wanted some type of bond from this shit that I couldn't get. The problem isn't Netalive.org or the community or whatever they think and feel, the problem was within myself and I have come to terms with that and have moved on.

Believe me, my life is my life and if I don't type www.netalive.org into my browser then I'll still live. This place doesn't make me and it does not factor into my trials in life. I come here because I want to and when I left I was stupid. I was dumb. I was searching for a bond from a community that has no basis in reality, they don't know me and will never probably because of the distances involved.

Ok, I'm rambling but suffice it to say, announcing publicly that you are fed up and need a break is just a cry for help. There is no reason to announce to people that have never seen your face in life that you are leaving, most people will not care. And I don't say this because I hate anyone, I say this because I've been there and done that and have probably been the most extreme at it.

Ask Null or Jaz, they will tell you about me!

-- CAUTION: This post is totally devoid of grammar --

This post was edited by majic on Oct 23, 2005.

Note: technically this post is addressed to majic, and his more recent response, but really it is just a Goodbye note. The 'hiatus' was sort of like a two-week notice for a job. You could SAY I have a better job.

As far as the reference to your lack of grammar...don't worry, I can understand you. I don't typically tend to be 'one of the ones' who bitches about grammar and spelling. I have dyslexic friends. I care. ;p

Ok, I'm rambling(,) but suffice it to say, announcing publicly that you are fed up and need a break is just a cry for help. There is no reason to announce to people that have never seen your face in life that you are leaving, most people will not care.

As to latter part of the statement: the people who DO care have e-mailed me. Those who were only "coattail-riders" and superficial have not. I like this. It tells me who was really my friend and who wasn't. Those who took the time to page and write, including yourself, I count as friends. As to saying that this place has no 'basis in reality'?...maybe it doesn't for you, but then maybe no one from the NAO ever called you at home to check on you, or mailed you a letter, or sent you a care package? For me, those things have been a reality, therefore, I find that the NAO does have a basis in reality. Saying that it doesn't is like saying that a phone conversation isn't real. O_o.

As far as your former statement, to the effect that publicly announcing that I need a 'hiatus' is just a cry for help, and that there is no reason to announce that I am leaving.....could I surmise from the above statement that you are the type of person to quit a job without giving two weeks notice? :) Don't take that comment personal, as it isn't; especially according to your standards of NAOplay...

Suffice it to say, majic, that I am just the sort of person who doesn't just disappear from either jobs, rooms, relationships, friendships, sexual encounters or anything else, without saying goodbye (or warning that I am close to doing so). Not that it is necessarily bad if you don't give fair warning to all the people who took the time to read your writing and/or work and relate with you, mind you (depending upon the situation or person), but it just isn't me.

So....I am formally saying goodbye. You guys enjoy yourselves. Maybe I'll come back someday...who knows? But for right now, my life is waaaay too busy for this mess.

But anyway...I can ramble too, as we all know. Point being, unlike you I don't feel that I was stupid to leave, I think I was wise to leave, and that I would be wise to continue to stay away. Those whom I care about, the TRUE friendships that I have gleaned from this site will remain on my e-mail contact list. Those people I will MAKE time for, even though my life is far busier than it has been in the past year, and I don't have time to just dick around on the NAO. And yet, some of the people I have met here, I consider VERY real and worthy of my precious time, as I've said only just recently, elsewhere in this post. Their voices on the phone were 'real', their mail was 'real' (I'm pretty sure that the U.S. Currency someone sent me in the mail was REAL as well...I haven't checked for a 'red strip' or watermark though...I'll go do that, since the bill is tacked to my fridge along with the note from the person who sent it...:D), and I'm sure that at least the one wedding of certain NAO members that I have been informally invited to will likely be real. My intention is to be there, and be REAL. :)

And I think the rest of the further points I could make upon this subject, most of you are intelligent enough to surmise for yourselves. I say: most. Take care and enjoy the NAO.

Just being polite and explaining why I am saying goodbye. It's just my way....I guess I must be old-fashioned, huh? [/rhetorical question, as I won't be back to answer it]

If you have my e-mail, you are welcome to use it. But mind you, I am a 'real' person, and I will respond with 'real' e-mails.;P

Also, I've been informed that you and Wendy are holding down the Poetry Forum fort. Thank you. I worked my ass off to get that forum in place, so it's nice that there are people writing good poetry, instead of some the crap I was seeing. (Additionally, it is a bit of a relief to know that most of my poetry is so far back in the archives, that not too many people will be finding it and reading it at 'OpenMike' nites across the country, and proclaiming it erroneously as their own. Heh. Though I am sure there are some fuck-ups out there who have nothing better to do...:))

It HAS been real, it has been fun, people, and it has been REAL fun.

Sorry my computer has been down for all those who e-mailed and have not yet received a reply. You will receive such posthaste. This means Bernie/Orchid, Elena/Neil, wOlf and James, and MelMel. I haven't forgotten...

Ciao bello/ciao bella, rosyxxx

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.... now rosyxxx, don't come back a month later (I posted this Oct 23rd, you replied Nov 20) and pull my writing out of context. We have talked offline. Don't read too much into what I wrote. I am not out to get you. I'm not the bad guy here. Geesh. Infact until you replied I had all but forgotten about your hiatus, you know there are a million things on my plate as well. I don't think it's very nice to come back almost 30 days later and start bashing on spilled milk. There was never any hard feelings and there never will be. Take all the time you want, it's your world, not mine.

As far as the reference to your lack of grammar...don't worry, I can understand you. I don't typically tend to be 'one of the ones' who bitches about grammar and spelling. I have dyslexic friends. I care. ;p

Got no idea what you are talking about here, you lost me.

could I surmise from the above statement that you are the type of person to quit a job without giving two weeks notice?

My last job was 8 years 8 months and 10 days, US Army. Thanks for trying to pick a fight but it won't work.

Don't take that comment personal, as it isn't; especially according to your standards of NAOplay...

not sure what you mean by that.

But anyway...I can ramble too, as we all know. Point being, unlike you I don't feel that I was stupid to leave,

This looks like you are trying to pick a fight here. Not sure what you mean again.

Also, I've been informed that you and Wendy are holding down the Poetry Forum fort. Thank you. I worked my ass off to get that forum in place,

actually we aren't. I put mine in my journal.

This post was edited by majic on Nov 21, 2005.

I think like with several other people before (including myself) the problem you face is not with this site or the people being around here, but only within yourself and you're not ready (yet?) to face that. Or you DO face it and give a shit about how it appears to others. But I tend to think you're a person with a serious identity crisis deep down inside. You're trying your level best to conceal it (even from yourself may be) by various activities and interests, but at the end of the day you're only searching, searching for a sense in it all, like all of us do.

You are wrong, if you think this site is around to do something for you or help you with anything. YOU are this site, like I am or anybody else logging in for that matter. And you cannot expect to come to a place and change it, even less the people being there, to your liking. You may have a more or less strong impact on what the place looks like as a whole, but still the place worked and will work without you.

Not everybody expects the same things from life, from conversations, from discussion, from exchange of opinions as you do. While you prefer the personal exchange going deep down inside on a very personal level, other people might just come here to relax and learn, or for completely disqualifying ramble, if need be. The kind of exchange you seek is in my view - and that's JUST my opinion - way better done in private, by email or in one-on-one-chat, not on a public board. Not everybody feels comfortable to strip ones own emotions bare in public like you do. Not everybody is an as extroverted, outspoken character as you seem to be in the save environment of the net. And its more than unfair to disrespect and name calling other people's characters, if they turn out to be different than you are.

You are a part of something, let it be your personal neighborhood where you're living, the place you're working at, the circle of friends you're moving in, yes, even in the virtual world of the net, where you "meet" people you like or dislike. But being a part of anything means to accept the role of being able to shape the environment you want to be in. That only works with actively participating. Mind you, "participating", which means contributing *at eye level* with everybody else being around. It doesn't mean forcing your own rules to your environment, neither does it mean to sit quiet and swallow rules forced onto you. But if you're trying to project your very own view of things, your tastes, your opinions, and, most of all, your expectations onto the group, you're sentenced to fail and most likely gonna end up alone. You only find disappointment, if you expect the world to act and re-act like you do, or meet other people with the arrogance of feeling as a better human being than they are.

I wont ask you to stay. Cause by now everybody, who ever said to leave for reasons of anger and disappointment came back anyway. And if anyone ever returns again then its you, Heather, cause from the intensity of your posts and the emotions you show towards anything happening here, its easy to see how important a platform like this is to you. Take your break, take a deep breath or two, you'll be back, and there will be lots of people waiting with open arms, if you need that feeling...

After decades of construction my website is finally up an running: www.kkds.de

And here comes Martin to the rescue from high atop his philosophical mountain... w00t!

I don't think any of us that have left are in a position to try to understand or rationolize why a person has felt the need to leave.

The search goes on...

This post was edited by majic on Oct 23, 2005.

Just so that this shit is over and done with Mr. Martin, I have a couple of problems with your reply. Not the least of which is the highly flawed, overly judgemental (methinks thou art a hypocrite yourself, so get off your damn high horse too...), and completely uninformed position that you take. You are neither a psychological professional (to my knowledge), nor are you aware just exactly who in particular that name calling was directed at, because null deleted the bitch's post. But before I get into all of that, I must take issue with this statement:

But I tend to think you are a person with a serious identity crisis deep down inside.

I'd beg to differ. And anyone else who really knows me, which you have never really bothered to take the time to do, as it appears a number whom I thought did have not, would know that. Additionally, I cannot simultaneously be an "extroverted, outspoken character" as you so eloquently describe me AND be having an identity crisis. Maybe the crux of the matter is that I know EXACTLY who I am. ;P And who I am is someone who didn't have to have harold_maude's nasty little, now deleted post directed at me because she couldn't and hadn't paid attention to the details of the end of my mother's life (which was and still is so devastating to me.....), and also because she didn't think her e-mails to me got responded to as quickly as her impatient self would have liked; finally attacking me outright and ONLINE for everyone to see...until it was deleted.

Moving on....you tell me when you've lost your mother and best friend if you ever finally come to grips with it, and how you do so. Most people carry the pain of death to their own graves, but lie and say that they don't. I can't have been the first person to creatively write in the voice of a very dead parent. If harold_maude had truly known me, and paid attention to the details of my life, the way I paid attention to hers in her equally long pager messages and e-mails and posts, she would have known like most who knew me and read the "infamous journal entry", that it was definitely me talking in my mother's voice to myself indirectly.

A bit of a 'creative writing' exercise, but obviously one well over the head of apparently you as well.

You are wrong if you think this site is around to do something for you or help you with anything.

I guess I was????[/sarcasm due to the fact that the statement is doubtful]...and so must you have been when you ranted and raved about the loss of your significant other. An episode, I am sure, just as devastating to you as the loss of my mother continues to be for me. If you only knew how much time and effort I put into reading all of your and everyone else's posts because I actually give a fuck.

Anyway, if you knew me, you'd know that I've pretty much been putting my life "on hold" since her death, as well as since the unfortunate hook-up with that jackass who logged on with my full name as a member here... You have no idea the years it took to get out of his clutches, and coming to this place did more for me than any overpriced counselor. (So much for your assertion that I can expect to get nothing out of this place...) I didn't realize how much he really was keeping tabs on me through other venues outside of the NAO for the past several years, until I truly saw his behaviour here. And, I might add, those who truly know me saw what he did, saw the ridiculous website he set up in my name, and know that it was not a lie. While harold_maude and others were probably busy thinking I was nuts. But no matter, the few who were there for me have not gone unappreciated. Ginsterbusch called repeatedly, as did null, and null was busy and has been busy all of this time thwarting that asshole's efforts. Because he cares. Because he gives a damn. Ditto Elena and her honey, Neil. Ditto Aynjell, or James, who spent many, many nights, mornings, weekends, and countless untold hours being of support. And harold_maude of course, even though I am madder than a hornet at her right now, I have not forgotten the kindnesses she originally extended.

My quibble is with the masses of fools who are on this site. And I'm not the only one sick of Braindeads. I think I'll let you extract whatever you'd like to out of that statement.

I may have HAD an "identity crisis" at one point and time, but I have pretty much come out of it, which is the very reason I feel perfectly comfortable with my choice to tell you where to go. And in the future, I won't be whining to null or Jaz to delete my potentially offensive posts, like some people who shall remain nameless here have done.

That was one of my major points: owning up to your own, or anyone's bullshit.

If I currently had an "identity crisis" truly, I'd be a coward and want my nastiness deleted. But I own it, along with my sweet personality. The bitch and the sweetie are both there, and I certainly have no intention of hiding them from each other.

I respect ginsterbusch for having the balls to do the same. He and majic may have originally wanted to hide their pasts, but they reluctantly, to a greater or lesser extent, accept their pasts and own them. That's also the reason that they feel free to be so vocal, honest and genuine on here. They are definitely not pompous. No....I think that characterization you share with me. We are both pompous assholes. And I'd personally prefer, I don't know about you, to be a little less pompous, which is exactly why I want some time away from this place. Capiche?

People like ginsterbusch and majic are some of the most honest and genuine people on here, besides null. They are no longer hypocrites like some people, and it is to them and to null that I owe my respect. Null should of course know, that that is not "lipservice", because I pretty much speak my mind and stick with it. I don't need to kiss ass, when I am genuine. A 38-year-old willing to look up to those much younger than herself, does not have an "identity crisis". And yes, you did hit a hotbutton, Mr. Martin. Not, as you might think, because your characterization of me was true, but simply because I absolutely DESPISE untruths.

If you really want to piss me off, tell me to smile, call me a liar, or pepper my character with untruths.

Getting back to your assertion that I cannot expect to gain anything here, well....

For your information, a number of people here, including ginsterbusch, null, andromacha, and others were EXTREMELY helpful in helping to change my life for the better. So as far as "expecting something" from this site, I didn't, but I certainly got it. }:-> This isn't as 'virtual reality' as you might think it is; unlike you, I have no intention of disappearing without much of a word, and then coming back when it suits me. I intend to take a hiatus, and tie up some more of the lose ends in my life, and then come back AS rosyxxx. No new "identities" for me. I was offered that when my nemisis was stalking me, but I knew better. That's no way to firm up your identity, is it? So, I'm just me, Heather, rosy, Brianna the stripper, if you must know. My stalker certainly does.... I have no intention of changing my name or my identity, unless that asshole causes any further problems. In which case, I will call the social security administration, as I did before, as well as numerous other organizations, and get the ball rolling. But that, I doubt, will be necessary.

I'm sure he has got better things to do with his life than waste it with that shit. He'd better get cracking too, because life is truly short.

Mr. Martin, if you had bothered to inform yourself well on the topic of my temporarily leaving, then you would have read the brief responses I made to people before I left, so that I didn't drop them cold, and found that I was, and am, well aware that I ALSO have "issues" which I need to deal with.....but they certainly aren't an identity crisis, Mr. Martin.

As far as your own hypocrisy witnessed right here within this post of yours, maybe I should clarify by comparison of three statements of yours:

And you cannot expect to come to a place and change it, even less the people being there, to your liking.

The kind of exchange you seek is in my view - and that's JUST my opinion - way better done in private, by e-mail, or in one-on-one-chat, not on a public board.

But being a part of anything means to accept the role of being able to shape the environment you want to be in. That only works with actively participating.

And you should know, Mr. Martin, as majic stated, when you dissapear for almost more than half a year....about that. :/ Is it not glaringly obvious to you the HUGE discrepancy in your statements above? Need I s-p-e-l-l it out for you? It is illogical to both tell me that I cannot expect to change this place, and then turn around in almost the same breath and tell me that I need to be a part of this place in "shaping" the environment. Of course it only works with actively participating. Something, I think, I could lay claim to more recently than you have. Did you get a poetry forum set up through your bitchy, extroverted efforts like I did, Mr. Martin? No.....you didn't. Do you keep track of what is going on there, as an unlauded, impromptu sort of off-the-clock moderator? No, you don't. You haven't really even been here, so you should be the last person to speak on this subject.

Getting back to the subject of my assumed 'identity crisis'. You bet, baby, I did have one, and I used to be extremely shy and very much a wallflower. Lonely. Quiet. Never spoke. But I took the MMPI one day, came out an INFP, and the instructor said that if we didn't like something about our personality profiles we could change it. That was over 18 years ago, at 20. And believe me, I changed. I made myself get up the guts to ask my boss at The Sports Barn in Chattanooga if I could teach aerobics. The first class I taught I could barely speak. For a good year, I could only speak to people in the mirror. But I persevered. At my current job (and there were many, many, many inbetween), I was so shy all over again, in a new environment, that I ran and hid from people. When I could have been making money hand-over-fist, I was hiding in the dressing room talking to people through the mirror. I don't do that anymore.

In fact, I am one of the most outspoken and thoughtful people at my job, standing up for new employees who get shit on, and championing their cause. I've kept girls from getting fired, and been a sort of Mata Hari for many an entertainer. A mom, a shoulder to cry on, someone to put their wings around you when you are hurting. I've tried to do it for people here, and it doesn't always seem to be appreciated as much, but that is beside the point.

The new management staff we have at work, actually have IQs and are aware of how to run a business, it has just taken time for them to sort things out...as it does for people and groups sometimes, which is the very reason, personally, that I decided to take a much needed hiatus. It shall hopefully help me to do some soul-searching, and to spend the time I have formerly spent here getting the rest of my life in order. That same process is the process our club has gone through to finally get back on some decent footing.

The bitching and pushing I've done there has been one of the many, many things to occur in that place that HAS changed it. And NOT, just to my liking, but toward it's betterment as a work environment for everyone. Maybe I sense a certain amount of jealousy on your part Martin, that in coming here, I HAVE been one of the forces for change, and not just for my benefit. I am not as self-centered and self-involved as you think. You should have gotten to know me better. I expect that my walls will be rather high for you to scale right about now, not quite as high as the 'almost insurmountable one' which now exists for harold_maude, but not that, I think, you'd probably care.

I consider it no loss though. However, there are people on this site whose friendships I would not want to lose, and for that reason, I specifically stated that I was ONLY taking a hiatus. Call it making a grand exit, or whatever you or someone else might, but at least I don't plan on just disappearing and coming and going when I please, with no regard for the friendships I've made here, nor the time it takes, and the effort it takes for OTHER people to respond to my posts. I don't intend to just leave people "hanging", after all the efforts they've made. I have taken a great deal of time out of my life and put it here; as do many people. I wish everyone's efforts were more often appreciated.

Part of the reason I want a hiatus, is so that I can come to terms on a more visceral level (because intellectually I already know this to be true...contrary to what you might think) with the fact that people can always let you down, and you shouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water. But if you'd read my more recent posts than the one which you just responded to, you'd know that.....wouldn't you?

Boundaries are not quite the problem for me that they once were. So maybe with your impromptu layperson's diagnosis you would have been on your mark even a year ago, but rest assured, that the kindness extended by a handful of NAO members out of, what I consider to be a multitude of unenlightened people HAS changed my life. I consider what people like null, and even harold_maude, as much as she pisses me off right now, Aynjell, andromacha, ginsterbusch and others have done to have successfully broken the hold that my stalker had upon me. An almost sinister, charismatic, and very manipulative hold. If you want to harangue someone for trying to adjust the world exactly to their liking, maybe you should look him up. I'm sure null could provide you, as well as harold_maude (oh, you doubting Thomases...) with evidence that such a person exists.

I know who has been of help to me here, and who hasn't. Including the ones who really are fucking pissing me off right now. I'm sure I'll eventually get over it. Right now I am madder than a hornet still, and to that end, I am taking my stinking hiatus. Of course I have my own work to do. I thought that was a given. Apparently I am not the only one who can be redundant and overstate the known.

If mountain goats like living at high elevations, why do none live in high rise apartment buildings?

This post was edited by rosyxxx on Oct 23, 2005.