Reading Douche's journal

“I don’t know where this is headed or how it is going to end. I don’t even know if this is the right thing and I should leave it.” I try to say in one complete sentence without breaking. I had been planning it all night and day till now. Stop looking at me so emptily. He stares and swallows hard as if preparing himself for the worst.
“I don’t know how to say this and its very difficult for me because I don’t want to hurt you” he interrupts with his hands but I carry on anyway, “please understand its me and not you, I know people always say that but it really is my problem, and I’m sorry I have left it so long to share with you.” I sigh because saying it just hits me even harder as I really have left it too long and not just left it but lied for weeks about it. Even when he asked me I lied, mostly because I wasn’t prepared to discuss this delicate topic.
“Has something happened, what is it, I’m listening!” he reaches and holds my hand and damn I start crying, I wanted to try not to, mostly so I wasn’t an ugly blubbering mess and easier to understand. His hands are so soft and strong that I start to wish I’d never started talking and instead kissed him. But it’s too late and he is upset too now. “Don’t be sad, don’t be sad.” He keeps repeating and strokes my back. I feel desperate now and start to whimper. He sees how upset I am and leans closer to cuddle me and as he does so I turn and hug him hard.

Perhaps tomorrow will go like this, or perhaps I will be telling another story at the weekend. My brother has told me it might be a mistake but the truth shall set me free from this horrible lie.

Douche

I almost had you

God, how I have been there, standing where you were, attempting to be the strong one and face what I cannot stand to face. Where it is eating away at you from the inside until it drives you crazy with despiration, wild fantasies of catastrophic events that will force the issue to be resolved.

I know I'm dead on the surface But I'm screaming underneath

Exactly, I just have to do it now and its like I have told myself its time and I have set the date and time and what Im going to say and I must stick by this! Its hapening in a few hours I'm really nervous, when ever I think about it and his reaction its like there is a sewing machine in my stomach tring to sew my insides together!

Sometimes I try and think 'maybe I could live like it and nothing has to be said' but I know I cant and its far enough into this relationship and if it goes any further I will break and it will be a much worse outcome.

it drives you crazy

couldnt have put it better myself!
douche

I almost had you

It is also a telling sign that instead of feeling loss or depression at having to do it, you feel anxiety at HAVING to do it. That should convince you that it is the right thing. If it weren't, you would know and that sewing machine feeling would be more like a knife through the heart.

Remember that when the time comes, I, for one, will be thinking of you and sending all the mental strength I can through the ether.

*hugs*

I know I'm dead on the surface But I'm screaming underneath

Goddamit, your words have hit me somewhere in the gut. It's making me relive these moments from my past.

That's All This Is

It’s almost over.
The game is about to be played.
The distance is calling me and as I look at you
we can’t be saved.
It’s almost over.
The world’s lost its contrast.
I almost can envy you feeling the way you must feel,
how you craved.

But I know that I cannot keep lying like this.
And I know that you love me and that’s all this is.

It’s almost over.
Hear your footsteps in my hall.
Like pounding of nails in the lid of the coffin that we,
we built each night.
It’s almost over.
I know I must say it.
I know you’ll be all right when she comes along to
hold, hold you tight.

But I know I cannot keep on lying like this.
And I know that you love me and that’s all this is.
When I look at you I know that that’s all the love that there is.

I know I'm dead on the surface But I'm screaming underneath

This really moved me, its over now. Its been done...and it really couldn't have been more perfect. Someone up there likes me to bless me so kindly. Even though I feel, after everything, I don't deserve it.

It never went as I planned and it was a lot harder then I thought. In so many words this is how I felt.
This song really couldnt fit any better!

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to form
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking, feeling
Spin me around again
And rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets
Amess with people
Would stop to hold
Their heads heavy
Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life
Hide and Seek
Trains and sewing machines you won't catch me around here
Blood and Tears
They were here first
Hmm, what'd you say, that you only meant well?
Well, of course you did.
what'd you say? that it's all for the best?
Of course it is.
what'd you say? that it's just what we need
You decided this?
what'd you say, what did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit
Hide and Seek
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs
Hide and Seek
Speak no feeling, I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a, you don't care a bit
Oh no, You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit.

I almost had you