Reading jpf's journal

Disclaimer:
I'm not a doctor. My experience with anti-depressants is mine alone and I make no assertion it will have the same effect on others.

For the better part of 23 years I've dealt with chronic depression and anxiety (diagnosed) . I can't even measure the damage its done on my life. It had developed to the point where I would minimize contact with others, this was mostly in effort to stifle the pain to keep it from effecting other people. Different things I tried to fix it: changed my environment(traveling, floundering in college, then enlisting in the military, still there, doing well now), anything to derive pleasure, different kinds of addictions (long history of online gaming here), excessive spending on cars, alcohol, food, masochism. The only thing I ever really enjoyed was sleep, I was socially dead to the world, with maybe one or two friends who could tolerate me at most on an infrequent contact basis. I had very little drive or goals. I never wanted to admit I had it, despite an unavoidable facial complexion which had developed overtime into a permanent scowl. (for this reason the scowl habit remains as an odd quirk in my personality, independent of mood, though I'm working to fix this *smile*). I just didn't want to see the writing on the wall. Depression sucks, its not trendy, its not emo, its not cool. It destroys your life, and going untreated amounts to nothing more then selfishness and/or negligence as it draws those around you into empathizing and seeing you in pain on a constant basis. I was always of the firm belief that it was a brain chemistry issue. At a certain point I decided I couldn't take it anymore and saw a psychiatrist, after several visits, meds were finally used as the last option.

First some things both drugs have in common. After over a month of use of each consecutively, neither had a noticeable effect with the Wellbutrin at 125mg and Paxil at 20mg, after an upping to 300 and 40 I started noticing things. Simply put, both had successfully treated my condition.

Wellbutrin seemed to have of a positive mood effect, while Paxil just put you in a neutral feeling-less state of mind. As far as side effects Paxil had the worst, namely temporary impotence and reduction in sex drive to nothing (but this could also be preferred depending on the situation), thats all I really have to say on Paxil, needless to say I stopped using it and found a better alternative. Wellbutrin in short has changed my life. It put what I describe as a "wall" or "barrier" in my mind which prevents any kind of prolonged sadness or "negative" feelings.
In addition to this; Its increased my attentiveness, cognitive ability, energy, and much needed appetite reduction, (I've lost considerable weight on it). Side effects are the occasional insomnia, and I have to stay away from any sort of caffeine, if I drink even one can it has an energy catalytic effect with the med and I end up awake for days on end. Another is amplified irritation, such that just the same things will irritate you as before, only they'll irritate you even more and it can make you impulsively lash out. Perhaps the most significant effect is the blind inconsiderate happiness it can create. My biggest concern with the drug at this point is the long term effects and the positive vibe that doesn't seem natural or appropriate when compared to the situation. Its not normal, but neither was my condition prior to the drug, and I refuse to go back. That said, I'm glad to be part of something resembling the human race once again.